Procrastination Bites (MCC 2014 Pilot Binge #23-26)

State of Affairs!

No need to fret, Ms. Heigl. Grey’s Anatomy can’t hurt you anymore.

Bloggers love writing prompts. Toss them a random topic, see what they can do with it, cross your fingers and wish them the best on their mental exercise. I don’t mind them myself, sometimes. If there’s a subject on which I have even the most tangential thought, in many cases I can find something creative and/or catchy to do with it, provided there’s no vital scheduling needs involved.

Writing prompts are an enjoyable challenge for me if everyone’s fine waiting anywhere from two days to three years for my results. It doesn’t matter if the idea came from the WordPress.com Daily Post. It doesn’t matter if it came from current events. And as I’ve discovered over the past four months, it makes no difference if the idea was mine.

Speaking of which: I have a commitment to fulfill and a project I said I’d finish.

Right this way for the grand finale!

2014 Road Trip Photos #6: Shiny Happy Madison

Wisconsin State Capitol!

As you drive southwest on Washington Avenue, the Wisconsin State Capitol dome is kind of hard to miss.

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Each year from 2003 to 2013 my wife, my son, and your humble writer headed out on a long road trip to anywhere but here. Our 2014 road trip represented a milestone of sorts: our first vacation in over a decade without my son tagging along for the ride. At my wife’s prodding, I examined our vacation options and decided we ought to make this year a milestone in another way — our first sequel vacation. This year’s objective, then: a return to Wisconsin and Minnesota. In my mind, our 2006 road trip was a good start, but in some ways a surface-skimming of what each state has to offer. I wanted a do-over.

After dinner at Ella’s Deli, we headed straight to downtown Madison, and I do mean straight. Our hotel was on the northeast end of Washington Avenue; downtown is on its southwest end; and Ella’s Deli is likewise on Washington Avenue, somewhere near the middle. Navigating was a snap. Unfortunately, downtown parking on a Saturday night wasn’t. We just so happened to be in Madison the same weekend as an annual art festival held all around the city square. Though the festival itself was shut down for the evening, all the parallel-parking spaces were still taken. Since most non-food businesses were surely closed by now anyway, we retreated back to the hotel and planned a do-over on the morning of Day Two…

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My Super Awesome “Frosty the Snowman” Reboot Pitch

Frosty the Snowman!

Millions of viewers used to love watching Frosty the Snowman every year when it aired around Christmastime. The beloved 1969 animated special was one of several perennial favorites in my childhood household. We knew the song, we knew most of the lines, we recognized those familiar cartoon voices, and we knew every beat of the story, from the flop magician to the snowman’s parting promise. Frosty was common knowledge among us kids.

See that face up there, full of angst and pathos and magic? That classic hero just turned 45 years old. Isn’t it time for his 21st-century reboot?

I don’t mean as a feature film, because that declining box office is depressing. I also don’t mean another one-time TV Christmas special, because that’s thinking too small. See, I’m thinking live-action regular series. So many facets of this undervalued intellectual property yearn for a modern update with better fashions, extra pizzazz, hipper attitudes, and supernatural warfare. Frosty himself could stay CG, but there’s no reason Karen, her friends, the other townspeople, and most of the town scoundrels couldn’t be played by real actors so we can crank out episodes more quickly and minimize our animation needs. Unless we send this proposal to Fox, animating it will get us nowhere. I say it’s time for Frosty to start over, but this time keep it real.

I’ve taken the liberty of mapping out a hypothetical thirteen-episode first season that would rebuild the Frosty universe from the ground up and make it relevant and “sick” to a whole new generation of impressionable prime-time viewers. This, then, is what my preliminary episode guide looks like for…

SNOWMAN: THE SERIES!

Right this way for capsule summaries of all thirteen season-one episodes and a sneak preview of future storylines!

A Fond Farewell to the Chapel of Love

The Old Chapel!

Ten years ago, these were the pews where 60+ friends, relatives, and hangers-on gathered to watch a truly peachy-keen woman agree to holy matrimony with this one dorky guy who read too many comics.

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MCC’s Top 15 Favorite Cosplay Photos of 2014

Bucky, OLD SCHOOL.

Extremely honorable mention: Captain America’s sidekick Bucky, comics old-school style.

As of last weekend my wife and I officially finished our 2014 convention schedule. We attended seven cons this year, our new all-time record. In addition to our annual Chicago trips, Indianapolis itself became the epicenter of a Midwest convention explosion and offered us more opportunities than ever to meet comics creators, greet actors old and young, buy cool stuff, and see lovingly crafted costumes drawn from across several decades and all available media. Some cons fared better than others; some will return in 2015 with lessons learned and bigger plans than ever; and at least one will be a mere footnote in local geek history. At least two more newcomers, Wizard World Indianapolis and Culture Shock, are also inviting themselves to the dance for 2015. Somehow our convention bubble is bursting and expanding at the same time.

We here at Midlife Crisis Crossover would like to thank the crew and guests of all the cons we attended this year, throw a shout-out to those people we met whose names we didn’t catch (and vice versa), and salute the scores of cosplayers we saw, photographed, and appreciated for their presence, their fandom, their inspired creativity, and their fortitude in the face of the physical rigors, the construction costs, the naysayers, the gatekeepers, and the gawkers like us who stop you every three feet because either (a) we don’t get you but we love what you did, or (b) we do get you and your brilliant character choice just made our day.

In particular, this entry goes out to fifteen of the standouts we captured from among that vast, maddeningly talented crowd. Thanks for helping make our 2014 an unprecedented, wondrous, far-out year of geekiness.

Right this way for the niftiest of the nifty!

Excerpts from “The Grand Jury Jokebook”

Jury Duty!

“Ha! I can do this grand-jurying thing with my eyes shut! In fact, I think I will!”

Q: How many grand jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The bulb is burned out, but they’ve ruled it doesn’t need to be changed

Q: Why did the grand jury cross the road?
A: To get to the wrong conclusion

Q: How can a grand jury tell that an elephant has been in their fridge?
A: Those giant footprints in the peanut butter could belong to some other animal, so we have no idea

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: The grand jury has heard insufficient testimony proving that suspenders are a thing

Q: Knock, knock!
A: Who’s there?
Q: Grand jury.
A: We’re not home.
Q: Oh, okay, bye.

Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A grand jury with a checkerboard

Q: Why is a raven like a grand jury?
A: Both invoke sadness, grief, and parody

Q: Why is a grand jury like a writing desk?
A: You can use both to write whatever narrative you want

(If you think these are terrible jokes, by all means, let us speak of things that are like a terrible joke…)

Starbase Indy 2014 Photos, Part 2 of 2: Major Kira and the House of Quark

Ferengi!

Ferengi reunion! Max Grodenchik and Aron Eisenberg visited Indianapolis and revisited the roles of Rom and Nog from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Ferengi makeup effects provided by John Paladin. (Not made-up: this writer and his wife.)

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: on Thanksgiving weekend my wife and I attended the nineteenth Starbase Indy, a homegrown, fan-run convention that’s more intimate than your Wizard Worlds and more stable than your out-of-town, fly-by-night upstarts.

Part One was the costumes; in Part 2, the actors and special guests. A few even dressed up for the occasion.

Right this way for a very special Star Trek reunion!

“Sleepy Hollow” 12/1/2014 (spoilers): The Savage Sword of Irving

Frank Irving, Man of Action!

“By the power of Methuselah, I HAVE THE POWER!”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Crane find the legendary Sword of Methuselah, which can slay any being around, including Big Bads; an escaped Captain Irving goes into hiding; Henry Parish (f/k/a Jeremy Crane) sounds the first of three horn-blows that signal the Endtimes opening ceremonies; his demon boss Moloch blossoms into his final form; the Headless Horseman and the still-unnamed Blazing Sword Armor Golem both stand by, ready for evil action; and Katrina Crane, Undercover Spy Witch, turns out once again to be a useless liability.

In tonight’s fall finale, “The Akeda”: the promo promised “SOMEONE MUST FALL”, and sure enough, Our Heroes come face to face with the Big Bad himself, and not everyone makes it out alive. And nearly everyone’s here: Crane! Abbie! Katrina! Jenny! Irving! Hawley! Moloch! Henry! Bram! The War armor! Alas, Captain Reyes is nowhere in sight, because only those who believe in magic are allowed inside this climactic, tragic episode.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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Starbase Indy 2014 Photos, Part 1 of 2: Costumes and Pastimes

Darth Predator Maul!

Darth Maul/Predator mash-up. Call him Maulator.

On this weekend in 1988, the inaugural Starbase Indy introduced Indianapolis to the amazing world of Star Trek conventions, though it later expanded its dominion into other sci-fi TV shows. Setting aside several years skipped during turbulent times, SBI is one of the most persistent fan-run geek conventions in Indianapolis. It’s a fraction the size of Gen Con, Wizard World, and our other regular cons, but we’ve attended SBI more times than we have any other con. The smaller scale allows for shorter lines and less suffocating crowds, while still attracting talented guests from shows and works we know rather well (and some we don’t). For local geeks such as my wife and myself, it’s a regular highlight of our average Thanksgiving weekend, more fun and with far fewer confirmed fatalities than Black Friday.

2014 marks SBI’s nineteenth iteration, and a more diversified guest list not only from Star Trek, but also from the worlds of Stargate and Battlestar Galactica. Before we cover the guest list, though: mandatory costume photos!

Right this way for a few more costumes!

My So-Called “Black Friday” 2014

Barnes & Noble!

Hero Blogger Looks for Black Friday War Stories in All the Wrong Places

It was that time of year again! Black Friday has become that highly anticipated, deeply dreaded, beneficial, violent, invigorating, intimidating, fulfilling, decaying, economically necessary, ethically questionable, joyous holiday and/or time of mourning for everyone’s souls. Depending on who’s asking, it’s shopping as a competitive sport, or shopping as the closest American society comes to legalizing The Purge. It’s a great time for rock-bottom bargains, or it’s a time for suckers to get stuck with retailers’ unwanted, defective leftovers. It’s when the Christmas season begins for real, or it’s the ultimate defamation to the name of Christ.

Reporters spend the day prowling for cautionary tales of merchandise hoarding gone wrong, of consumer entitlement run amuck, of retailer manipulation backfiring, of fisticuffs and gunfights, of hair-pulling and cheek-slapping. Somewhere out there, shoppers will be boxing for the privilege to take home a ten-dollar panini maker that the manufacturer discontinued due to exploding wiring, and any number of news crews mean to catch it on tape before some lucky amateurs capture and post it on YouTube first. Everyone tells themselves it’s all part of the Game and complains about the system while continuing to do their part.

Black Friday used to be my thing. In recent years I’ve scaled back my expectations and participation. No more arising at 4 a.m. or earlier like a shopping zombie that thinks “doorbusters” is a synonym for “brains”. No more scheming for the largest tech items that’ll be stocked at a maximum of two per store. No more long shopping lists requiring fifteen or twenty stops’ worth of hunting and gathering.

This year I implemented more modifications to my approach. This is how my Black Friday 2014 turned out:

Right this way for a certain level of disappointment!

Happy Thanksgiving from MCC!

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!

Every chef’s least favorite part of the Thanksgiving experience: the customer complaints.

In the spirit of the American holiday, the management here at Midlife Crisis Crossover would like to wish a Happy Thanksgiving upon you ‘n’ yours, and to express our sincerest gratitude to You, the Viewers at Home. Thanks for stopping by. Thanks very much for your generous encouragement signals in all their varied forms. Danke schön for making this long-term hobby experiment enjoyable even when it’s not easy. And enjoy a Special Thanks during the end credits for just being You.

Whether you’re visiting loved ones, liked ones, or other ones, or opting out of the visiting experience altogether, may your celebratory meals be enjoyed in peace, love, harmony, and kindness in both spirit and tongue. May your gathering remain festive and filled with fellowship, and may it not turn into a flame war so atrocious that it earnsits own hashtag.

And don’t forget to thank the hard-working chef(s) and collaborators who made your Turkey Day feeding possible. Even if the turkey is a little dry, or the dinner rolls are a little overcooked, or they forgot to salt anything, or they think jellybeans are an acceptable substitute for stuffing, or they’re serving their homemade off-putting cranberry-rhubarb-coconut cobbler again, their generosity, diligence, and talents nonetheless deserve a round of recognition. After you’ve complimented them or handed them awards, then you can go fall asleep in their favorite recliner or on their living room rug. Cheers!

“Sleepy Hollow” 11/24/2014 (spoilers): Requiem for Methuselah

Sleepy Hollow Swords!

Abigail Mills and the Next Crusade after the Last Crusade, Which Turned Out to Be the Next-to-Last Crusade, Unless This One Isn’t the Last Crusade Either, In Which Case That One and This One Each Turned Out to Be Just *A* Crusade.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Jenny’s dead mom finally earned release to the next life by saving them from the clutches of a raging Cynthia Stevenson, who used to be Bob Newhart’s merry daughter on Bob; Captain Irving escaped Tarrytown Psychiatric in hopes of avoiding Henry Parish’s evil clutches and somehow breaking his soul contract; and an ailing Ichabod Crane learned the common cold hasn’t changed much in 250 years.

In tonight’s new episode, “Magnum Opus”: a MacGuffin quest, a mythical monster, deep thoughts about the life decisions we let others make for us, and more fun with Crane’s phone, as he uses it to play Who Am I? with Abbie, Google “sunrise times”, and view creatures through the camera so their looks won’t kill him.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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Entry Postponed on Account of Powderkeg Detonation

Ferguson 11-24-14.

America tonight in a nutshell. (Source: somewhere down in the Twitter fusillades.)

The Midlife Crisis Crossover management regrets that tonight’s regularly scheduled Sleepy Hollow recap has been postponed until Tuesday night on account of breaking developments in the infamous town of Ferguson, MO, where the grand jury in the Michael Brown shooting, given five possible options on which to indict Officer Darren Wilson, has chosen exactly zero of those options and determined amongst themselves that the case doesn’t merit going to an actual capital-T Trial in court.

According to a lengthy statement recited on live TV by St. Louis County Prosecuting Attorney Bob McCulloch, the grand jury reached this decision after hearing conflicting testimonies from five dozen witnesses, three autopsies that all agreed with each other, lots of documents, folders, samples, forensic thingamabobs, and so on but I think America as a whole stopped listening to McCulloch several minutes before he finished and retreated to an undisclosed safe location from which he could monitor any unsightly damage inflicted on his Wikipedia entry.

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Top 10 Best Scientific Inaccuracies in “Interstellar”

Interstellar!

The stars of Zero Dark Thirty and Gone Baby Gone spent months crafting an accurate portrayal of apocalyptic farm life.

[Courtesy Spoiler Warning. Plot points ahead.]

So you and your friends have turned Interstellar nitpicking into your new favorite spectator sport? You say you’re not content with forgiving the movie its flaws, or with engaging in the more challenging activity of brainstorming reasons why they’re maybe not flaws? Or you’re possibly dissatisfied because Christopher Nolan’s new movie barely passes the Bechdel test and only scores 1/3 on the Blackdel Test. (The latter is of course rarer and tougher, requiring a movie to contain (1) at least 2 black characters (2) who talk to each other (3) about anything except race. And a 1/3 is an amazing score compared to most other major-studio films.)

Internet users have had no shortage of axes to grind over the movie, and it’s telling that Interstellar has pulled in over $120 million at the U.S. box office without winning the #1 position in its first three weeks of release. It’s on track to become Nolan’s lowest-grossing film since The Prestige, possibly because everyone has been quick to dissect it and find faults since it doesn’t meet their narrow expectations of what a film about spaceflight should look like. Or everyone’s still bitter about The Dark Knight Rises. Hard to say.

Personally, I liked what Interstellar tried to do and appreciated what it accomplished, even if it may not become The Film That Saved NASA. I embraced it despite its problems, theorized why some viewers may have been overthinking it, and thought that some of its errors, omissions, and outrageous fallacies were actually pretty cool.

From the Home Office in Indianapolis, IN: Top 10 Best Scientific Inaccuracies in Interstellar:

10. Tom eating a giant dust burrito and exclaiming, “Mmmmm, farm-to-table dust!”
9. The tap-dance shoe-clicking in Anne Hathaway’s zero-G musical number
8. McConaughey insisting he needs to lose forty pounds
7. The ship slingshots around the black hole and reappears in the Enterprise‘s 1986 humpback-whale tank
6. Waterworld suspiciously free of the wreckage of Kevin Costner’s career
5. Reciting the same poem three times somehow does not summon the ghost of Dylan Thomas
4. Fifth Dimension ruled by a black gay female Mr. Mxyzptlk
3. Rocket fuel magically synthesized from used copies of Failure to Launch
2. Matt Damon in a movie without top billing

And the number one Scientific Inaccuracy in Interstellar:

1. God appears to the crew; reveals His true name is Oscar Consideration.

“Interstellar”: Space Enough at Last

Interstellar!

“Hey, kids! Wanna journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination?”

Not all of Christopher Nolan’s films are five-star masterpieces (here’s nodding off at you, Dark Knight Rises), but the foundation of new ideas that underpin each production guarantees we’re in for a unique cinematic experience rather than prefab Hollywood conveyor-belt product. Witness the debate-class spectacle that is Interstellar — one-half homage to 2001: a Space Odyssey, one-half admitted love letter from Nolan to his daughter bearing messages of hope, curiosity, science, human achievement, and the strength of intangible, immeasurable bonds that keep us connected even when we’re parsecs apart.

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2014 Road Trip Photos #5: You Can’t Spell “Psychedelic” Without “Deli”

Ella's Deli!

You are about to enter another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of food.

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Each year from 2003 to 2013 my wife, my son, and your humble writer headed out on a long road trip to anywhere but here. Our 2014 road trip represented a milestone of sorts: our first vacation in over a decade without my son tagging along for the ride. At my wife’s prodding, I examined our vacation options and decided we ought to make this year a milestone in another way — our first sequel vacation. This year’s objective, then: a return to Wisconsin and Minnesota. In my mind, our 2006 road trip was a good start, but in some ways a surface-skimming of what each state has to offer. I wanted a do-over.

Our Day One drive through Wisconsin took us in the late afternoon from downtown Milwaukee to the state capital of Madison. We’d driven through Wisconsin in 2006 and 2009, but this was our first time detouring in Madison’s direction. If you’re only looking for roadside oddities, nearly everything on their to-do list is located along a five-mile stretch of Washington Avenue running diagonally southwest-to-northeast between Lake Monona and Lake Mendota. Our hotel was at the northeast end; the State Capitol was at the southwest end. Plotting directions was a cinch.

Between the two endpoints was our dinner destination, Ella’s Deli and Ice Cream Parlor, all decked out like a TGIFriday’s hoarding novelty antiques.

Right this way for a lavishly eye-popping Day-Glo extravaganza!

“Sleepy Hollow” 11/17/2014 (spoilers): Mama Said There’d Be Demons Like These

Sleepy Hollow!

Remember when watching home movies was a fun family experience?

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes defeated a succubus; Katrina returned to the waiting arms of undead ex-fiancé Bram; Henry presided over the crib of a bouncing baby Moloch; and Crane found himself bewitched by the inexplicable forces of reality TV.

In tonight’s new episode, “Mama”, we meet Abbie and Jenny’s mom! Guest star Aunjanue Ellis (The Help, Ray) is the late Lori Mills, who committed suicide in Tarrytown Psychiatric Hospital years ago, leaving her daughters to fend for themselves in the face of a demonic conspiracy. As with every other death in town, of course we learn not all was as it seemed, and she’s not out of the game yet. Meanwhile, Ichabod Crane is down for most of the episode with a nasty cold. He spends half the time resting of his own volition, and the other half knocked out by drugged matzo ball soup, courtesy of the “privateer” Hawley, who’s happy to help even though his actions don’t earn him a single dime this week.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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Yes, There’s a Scene After the “Big Hero 6” End Credits

Big Hero 6!

We’re gonna go save the world just as soon as this kitty is sufficiently petted.

When The Walt Disney Company acquired Marvel Entertainment in 2009, fans on all sides wondered what sort of corporate synergy we’d see between the two in future projects. For the most part the companies have kept their logos in separate spaces, but Big Hero 6 represents the first truly co-op experience: a Disney animated film based on a Marvel property, albeit very loosely (whose creators, Steven T. Seagle and Duncan Rouleau, later became part of the think tank responsible for Ben 10). Sharing between Disney and Marvel came easily to them this time, most likely because the characters had become instantly obscure and tossed in the back of the Marvel IP closet, upsetting maybe five or ten fans at most. If a reboot went wrong, they had nothing to lose.

Someone somewhere spotted them on a list, figured they were practically a blank slate, dusted them off, shined them up, upgraded them for a younger audience, deleted all the X-Men connections that got them published in the first place, and now here we are with the next Walt Disney Animated Classic — the all-new, all-different Big Hero 6.

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“Birdman”: Dancing with the Devil in the Broadway Lights

Birdman!

My expression most of the time while watching.

Two weeks ago we drove to the other side of the city to see Birdman in the only art-film theater in Indianapolis. I’m annoyed that it later opened more widely and is now showing at two theaters much closer to home, but there’s no use crying over wasted gas. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to translate my reaction into words that capture my enthusiastic response without being mere labels. There’s a scene about that, and it’s been bugging me ever since.

If you know the movie only from its elliptical ads, you’ll quickly learn Birdman is not slapstick superhero spoof. This isn’t Condorman or Superhero Movie with better effects and a more famous cast. Satire is one of the film’s numerous modes, but costumed metahumans and the summer action blockbusters they inhabit are just a couple of the many subjects facing the scrutiny of director Alejandro González Iñárritu (Babel), who’s more interested in deeper goals than in brainstorming cheap Batman jokes.

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