“Sleepy Hollow” 11/19/2015: Sumerian Gothic

Etu'ilu!

“I got a rock.”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: a Norse monster pack tore each other apart; Pandora summoned her evil husband into our plane of reality; Jenny got powers but was summoned to the Dark Side; Sophie Foster, relic hunter, stood revealed as Agent Foster, FBI; and “fan favorite” Joe Corbin got kissed, pretty much his career highlight.

On tonight’s fall finale, “Novus Ordo Seclorum”: Pandora stands by her man, who’s not Anubis! Ichabod Crane goes to college! Joe is tempted to get tough! And when the dust settles, one of our cast members is gone!

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 11/12/2015: Berserk du Soleil

Norse Berserkers!

Meet your obscure monsters of the week: the Cult of Curly Joe.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes fought a wild ‘n’ wispy wasp woman; Pandora escaped inside her creepy blue Hellmouth tree; and we learned all this season’s previous monsters just barely had a meaningless connection with each other, kind of like a bunch of James Bond villains supposedly belonging to the same criminal organization but never lending each other a hand, so their secret evil fraternity doesn’t mean much to them or to viewers.

On tonight’s new episode, “The Art of War”: an ancient threat emerges from Scandinavia; Jenny has superpowers; Crane quotes Sun Tzu and touts the virtues of horsehair fishing lines; Abbie shows her mad chess skillz; “fan favorite” Joe Corbin has his first kiss; the Great-Big Bad behind our two Big Bads makes his grand entrance; and Betsy Ross, Action Spy, is off this week, probably on special flashback assignment or something.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 11/5/2015: Swarm Front

Sleepy Hollow!

“Fascinating. You know, Benjamin Franklin’s notebooks contain numerous recipes for delectable wasp cuisine.”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes met Team Bones, borrowed some of their ratings, and spent Halloween fighting Zombie General Howe and his zombie Redcoats with magic blue napalm bazookas. Meanwhile, “fan favorite” Joe Corbin nearly sold out the mysterious Shard of Anubis to new baddie Augustus Nevins over his daddy issues. He’s an excellent team member.

On tonight’s new episode, “This Red Lady from Caribee”: Joey Jo-Jo Junior’s daddy issues make things worse! Our Heroes fight a woman made of wasps, and when she yells, she shoots wasps from her mouth! Pandora reveals slightly more of her horticultural master plan! And the ostensibly sinister Augustus Nevins finally appears onscreen, played by veteran character actor Bill Irwin, last heard as the voice of the robot TARS from Interstellar.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/29/2015: The Deadcoats are Coming! The Deadcoats are Coming!

Sleepy Hollow Meets Bones!

Agent. Agent. Doctor. “Curator”.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes fought a creepy, bendy Tooth Fairy; Pandora was mean to little girls; and Ichabod Crane traded hundreds of texts goofy emoji with his new friend Zoe Corinth.

On tonight’s new episode, “Dead Men Tell No Tales”: it’s a very special crossover with Bones! The venerable Fox procedural drama, now in its thirty-seventh season, has been gracious enough to share Thursdays with Sleepy Hollow this season, and since both series feature FBI agents and fish-out-of-water geniuses partnering to fight crime, someone up high decided both series should go on a two-hour double-date based on their matching profile results from TVMingle.com. One focuses on forensic analysis and cutting-edge science and the world’s weirdest desiccated corpses; the other has sinister artifacts and killer demons and a 250-year-old spy. Obviously these two kooky shows are ready for their Vegas wedding.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/22/2015: Better Living Through Dentistry

Sleepy Hollow!

“Little girl, by my count this American coin contains no less than six different lies. How many can YOU discern?”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: We learned the absolutely true story of the eternal Jack the Ripper; our man Crane boldly decided to become a legal immigrant; Jenny Mills caught yet another competitive relic hunter stepping on her turf; and “fan favorite” Joe Corbin was, y’know, there.

On tonight’s new episode, “The Sisters Mills”: the season’s best outing so far sees Abbie and Jenny comparing notes over family matters, Crane and Zoe Corinth trading designer emoji, and we’re told Everything You Know About the Tooth Fairy Is WRONG. Tonight is brought to you by guest director Guillermo Navarro, best known as the cinematographer on most of Guillermo del Toro’s films, having won an Academy Award for his memorable work on Pan’s Labyrinth, and helmed half a dozen episodes of NBC’s Hannibal. As you’d expect, this week’s monster looks fabulously disturbing.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/15/2015: Yours Truly, Nelson the Ripper

Sleepy Hollow Ripper!

How the killer sees himself…

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes fought a stabby shadow that preyed on evil accountants with dark secrets; sister Jenny showed off her martial arts training against a rival relic hunter, but he got what he came for; Joe Corbin, son of Sheriff, showed up; and the showrunners tried to break the primetime record for most love triangles in a single show with less than six main cast members.

In tonight’s new episode, “Blood and Fear”: Ichabod Crane versus his old foe, Jack the Ripper! Well, technically. Their lives were lived a century apart, but nothing solves a seeming anachronism like a magical MacGuffin. And for those following along with the show in their Sleepy Hollow Vocabulary Workbooks, tonight’s secret word was “exsanguination”. Remember: for the rest of the week, whenever anyone says the secret word, scream real loud!

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/8/2015: The Greatest Spectacle in Wraithing

Sleepy Hollow!

Can two appointed Witnesses share a house without driving each other crazy?

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Agent Abbie Mills has now followed Mulder and Scully into the ranks of the FBI; our man Ichabod Crane strongly believes the second Tribulation is nigh; sister Jenny was among the few to survive the great cast-pruning of 2015; Crane has flashbacks about his old colleague Betsy Ross, American Action Spy; and good ol’ Tarrytown welcomed a new Big Bad, the scheming Pandora. (No, not the music service.)

In tonight’s new episode, “Whispers in the Dark”: Abbie and Crane reveal some new secrets, the show adds a few replacement male characters, more tidbits are revealed from the nine-month time-jump, Crane throws himself into some intense household chores, and there’s a Dementor on the loose with an oddly specific serial-killing fetish.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/1/2015: Red Hide, White Eyes, Blue Crane

Sleepy Hollow goes to Colonial Times!

Also mentioned tonight but not pictured: the I Cannot Tell a Lie Cherry Pie. With a name like that, the first ingredient had better be real cherries.

Sleepy Hollow is back! The third season kicked off tonight in its new time slot, where it’ll be competing against ABC’s invincible Shonda Rhimes lineup instead of CBS’ Scorpion. I’m not sure this move is an upgrade. More troubling was the departure of the previous showrunners and several cast members, including the Headless Horseman and the great Orlando Jones, who’ll be truly missed. Tom Mison, Nicole Beharie, and Lyndie Greenwood are still around, joined by new cast members, new monsters, presumably a new Big Bad, new artifacts, new vocabulary words, and wacky new collisions between our man Ichabod Crane and the bemusing 21st century America. Midlife Crisis Crossover previously brought you speedy, after-show recaps of Season One and Season Two, and we’re stubbornly sticking with the tradition until it’s canceled or turns unwatchable, whichever comes first. I’m pretty okay with neither eventuality happening, really.

The season premiere, “I, Witness”, as directed by Robocop‘s Peter Weller, kept our reunion simple with a straightforward demon hunt, leavened with a flashback to a historical friend, hints of another sinister long-term scheme in the works, and a merry visit to a themed restaurant called Colonial Times, which is like a Medieval Times sequel with a longer, cheesier menu.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 2/23/2015: Yankee Doodle Abbie

Sleepy Hollow!

Abbie Mills is not impressed with the new Fox series Oz 1781.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Katrina von Tassel Crane, occasionally functional witch and former member of the Sisters of the Radiant Heart, let her son’s machinations and his death sway her over to the Dark Side, then hopped back in time Quantum Leap style into the body of her 1781 self so she can secure his gestation and childhood, even if she has to kill her own husband to do it. The goodly Lieutenant Abbie Mills time-jumped behind her Army of Darkness style and was swiftly imprisoned by Redcoats for the crime of Unsupervised Blackness.

In tonight’s season finale, “Tempus Fugit”: it’s a time-travel episode! And one of the series’ best romps to date, featuring a new kind of Abbie/Crane team-up, the return of the Hessian, a visit from a Founding Father, a selfie that saves the day, and bittersweet closure in case of unfair cancellation.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

Right this way to go forward to the past!

“Sleepy Hollow” 2/16/2015: Crane Vs. Crane

Ichabod Crane!

Blatant foreshadowing for a potential season-3 episode involving tiny killer gnomes that worked for Oliver Cromwell.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes thought it a brilliant sacrifice to destroy an eighteenth-century holodeck containing the thoughts and memories of Thomas Jefferson held and animated inside a sentient hologram and an extensive Rupert Giles hero library just so a bunch of mad, starving Morlocks who hadn’t eaten in 250 years could get killed in a single explosion instead of having to put forth a little effort to slay them one at a time. Meanwhile, Henry Parrish tempted his mom Katrina with Dark Willow magic. At the same time, the resurrected Frank Irving took a break from Henry’s secret domination over him to go steal the Hellfire Club’s accounting records so that he could embezzle some getaway money for his family.

In tonight’s new episode, “Awakening”: Henry reveals his new plan, which has nothing to do with apocalypses or Witnesses or demons or Horsemen! Jenny Mills has a gunfight! Frank Irving goes a little mad! Katrina’s magic works! And it works a lot for a change!

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 2/9/2015: The Phantom Forefather’s Forbidden Fortress

Sleepy Hollow!

Tonight’s episode has a flashback in which Ichabod Crane acts as Thomas Jefferson’s beta reader for the Declaration of Independence. When you have scenes like that giving Mr. Peabody and Sherman a run for their money, adding funny captions to the proceedings is just gilding the lily, isn’t it?

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: a bitter 17th-century sorcerer tempted Katrina with Dark Side blood magic; the returned Captain Irving acted in cahoots with the fiendish Henry Parrish, who added the Grand Grimoire to his evil book collection; and Our Heroes learned the shocking true story of the Salem Witch Trials that The MAN thought we couldn’t handle.

In tonight’s new episode, “What Lies Beneath”, special guest Steven Weber (Wings, NCIS New Orleans, Studio 60, more more more) brings to life the man, the myth, the legend, the Founding Father, the third President of the United States of America, the one and only Thomas Jefferson. And not just in flashback.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 2/2/2015: Salem Witch Trials and Tribulations

Sleepy Hollow!

And men shall call this villain…Power Pilgrim! Colonel Colonial! Professor Puritan! The Thanksgiving Thaumaturge!

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes kept Hawley’s vampire godmother from using a Kali statue inappropriately; Crane learned karaoke works better when Abbie picks the songs; the Ford Motor Company revealed their hopes and dreams for your future; and the resurrected Captain Irving emerged from Purgatory but couldn’t see his reflection, which meant four more weeks of evil.

In tonight’s new episode, “Spellcaster”, another Purgatory fugitive teaches us a new kind of magic; Crane goes house-hunting and works on his trash-talk; Irving’s problems make strange bedfellows; Katrina’s witch powers work for a while; and we finally catch up with Henry Parish — slayer of Moloch, a Horseman no more, still a diorama maker extraordinaire.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 1/26/2015: Haul Out the Hawley

Ford Presents Sleepy Hollow!

Ford’s Theatre presents Sleepy Hollow! Brought to you by Ford, who are slightly less than half Ichabod Crane’s age!

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod and Katrina Crane tried rekindling their marriage by taking on a homicidal painting; Buffy’s sister Dawn got to wear an old-timey dress; and Captain Frank Irving rose from the dead and back into policy custody.

In tonight’s new episode, “Kali Yuga”: a woman from Hawley’s past convinces him to go on one last heist Or Else; Abbie teaches Crane the joys and the jeopardy of karaoke; Irving has a terrific day, mostly; and the Ford Motor Company lets You, the Viewers at Home, peek inside the all-new Ford Mustang, examine its spacious interiors, gaze upon its 21st-century Broadway-lit dashboard, and marvel at driving the perfect amount of horsepower to run down a Horseman. And the 2015 Mustang, like Crane himself, is BUILT FORD TOUGH. Brought to you by Ford.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 1/19/2015: The Art is a Lonely Hunter

James Colby!

Portrait of the artist who’s out to get you.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: an angel came to Sleepy Hollow, not with glad tidings from the Lord, but with a wish for the power of Death. So then that didn’t come to pass and we may or may not see the angel Orion again, because Fox execs recently revealed they’re actively tinkering with the show, taking a break from the ongoing apocalypse storyline for a while in favor of more done-in-one monster-of-the-week episodes, like what we used to see on Fringe or Smallville. If they keep focusing on evil-artifacts-of-the-week plots, I’d also toss in the long-forgotten Friday the 13th syndicated series, since that was the show’s exact premise.

In tonight’s new episode, “Pittura Infamante”: Ichabod and Katrina go on their first date since her return from Purgatory; Captain Irving’s return raises questions; special guest Michelle Trachtenberg (Buffy’s sister Dawn) appears in flashbacks as second First Lady Abigail Adams; and the Monster of the Week is a work of art best described as…cutting-edge! (Cue Crypt-Keeper laugh.)

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 1/5/2015: Reaping Angels

The Angel Orion!

Our Heroes should’ve known something was wrong as soon as they saw the angel holding a halo over his own head. Truly good angels buy the pricey, floaty kind of halo.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: One hero fought valiantly but died; one villain died harder when another villain turned betrayer at the last minute; still another villain found himself in chains; and our man Ichabod Crane rode his first motorcycle, possibly not his last.

In tonight’s new episode, “Paradise Lost”: new villains succeed the old; a new outcast offers his services for a price; one old villain seeks redemption; and Katrina Crane gives everyone new reasons to gnash their teeth and rend their garments every time she talks.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 12/1/2014 (spoilers): The Savage Sword of Irving

Frank Irving, Man of Action!

“By the power of Methuselah, I HAVE THE POWER!”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Crane find the legendary Sword of Methuselah, which can slay any being around, including Big Bads; an escaped Captain Irving goes into hiding; Henry Parish (f/k/a Jeremy Crane) sounds the first of three horn-blows that signal the Endtimes opening ceremonies; his demon boss Moloch blossoms into his final form; the Headless Horseman and the still-unnamed Blazing Sword Armor Golem both stand by, ready for evil action; and Katrina Crane, Undercover Spy Witch, turns out once again to be a useless liability.

In tonight’s fall finale, “The Akeda”: the promo promised “SOMEONE MUST FALL”, and sure enough, Our Heroes come face to face with the Big Bad himself, and not everyone makes it out alive. And nearly everyone’s here: Crane! Abbie! Katrina! Jenny! Irving! Hawley! Moloch! Henry! Bram! The War armor! Alas, Captain Reyes is nowhere in sight, because only those who believe in magic are allowed inside this climactic, tragic episode.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 11/24/2014 (spoilers): Requiem for Methuselah

Sleepy Hollow Swords!

Abigail Mills and the Next Crusade after the Last Crusade, Which Turned Out to Be the Next-to-Last Crusade, Unless This One Isn’t the Last Crusade Either, In Which Case That One and This One Each Turned Out to Be Just *A* Crusade.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Jenny’s dead mom finally earned release to the next life by saving them from the clutches of a raging Cynthia Stevenson, who used to be Bob Newhart’s merry daughter on Bob; Captain Irving escaped Tarrytown Psychiatric in hopes of avoiding Henry Parish’s evil clutches and somehow breaking his soul contract; and an ailing Ichabod Crane learned the common cold hasn’t changed much in 250 years.

In tonight’s new episode, “Magnum Opus”: a MacGuffin quest, a mythical monster, deep thoughts about the life decisions we let others make for us, and more fun with Crane’s phone, as he uses it to play Who Am I? with Abbie, Google “sunrise times”, and view creatures through the camera so their looks won’t kill him.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 11/10/2014 (spoilers): Soul Food and Heartburn

Blue Succubus!

Soul-sucking demon or not, nightclub mood lighting isn’t flattering to anyone.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Katrina Crane escaped the villains’ grasp, only to be cursed with a magical evil pregnancy intended to birth a bouncing baby Moloch, which her husband Ichabod thwarted by using an artifact to upconvert ordinary sunlight into the Aurora Borealis, a demon baby’s one weakness. An unperturbed Henry Parish moved quickly to his next scheme involving a jar of red liquid with large contaminants floating around inside. Meanwhile, Abbie Mills showed up for Election Day but never found out if her vote made a difference.

In tonight’s new episode, “Heartless”…it’s Our Heroes versus a succubus! I first learned about those from the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. Or maybe it was the Fiend Folio. I forget which. That game taught me a lot of mythology and folklore at an early age. Succubi definitely weren’t a Level-1 monster, I remember that much.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 11/3/2014 (spoilers): Katrina the Pregnant Witch

Sleepy Hollow!

It’s Election Day in Sleepy Hollow! May the best not-evil, not-undead candidate win!

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: the late Sheriff Corbin’s long-lost son became a Wendigo; the jailed Captain Irving got more charges added on to his rap sheet; Crane learned to hate yoga; we learned the truth about Squire Boone, secret cannibal; and Henry sent a magical spider made of super-poison to sneak inside a sleeping Katrina’s open mouth.

In tonight’s new episode, “Deliverance”, Our Heroes face an immaculate inception, moral debates about elderly little boys lost, a new name for Moloch, the secret healing power of the Northern Lights, and the wonder of Election Day. Crane’s fake papers may not be enough to bypass local voter ID laws, but he’s more than happy to offer suggestions to Lieutenant Abbie, who’s proud that it only took 180 years and two amendments before American black women like her could finally vote, so you darn well better believe she’s gonna. As a consolation prize, Abbie gives Crane her “I Voted” sticker, so no one can say the democratic process left this privileged white man totally empty-handed.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/27/2014 (spoilers): Everyone Knows It’s Wendigo

Sleepy Hollow!

Abbie and Crane share drinks and toast to absent characters at the Tarrytown Cheers.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Crane learned his beloved Katrina was keeping yet another secret from him, this one involving the accidental death (or was it murder) of his long-lost ex-fiancé, who returned from the dead as a zombie naiad and killed a dear friend. Meanwhile, Crane’s evil son Henry Parish received evil demerits from his demon overlord Moloch for not submitting this petty revenge exercise through the proper evil approval channels.

In tonight’s new episode, “And the Abyss Gazes Back”, it’s time to meet yet another long-lost family member we never knew: Our Heroes meet Zach Appelman as Joe Corbin, son of the late Sheriff Corbin, for which Clancy Brown returns in another minute of new voiceover. Joe’s got a secret, Henry’s got plans, Hawley brings friends, Jenny brings organs, Captain Irving faces temptation, and Crane faces the sinister threat of backstabbing gamers. Also, there’s a monster.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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