Hey, remember when he was in movies? Good times, am I right? Oh, hey, there’s Schwarzenegger on the right, too.
Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: the recurring feature that’s me jotting down capsule-sized notes about Stuff I Recently Watched at home. In this batch: Aragorn, Ah-nuld, and two former teen stars — one all grown up, and one grown up only on the inside.
No need to fret, Ms. Heigl. Grey’s Anatomy can’t hurt you anymore.
Bloggers love writing prompts. Toss them a random topic, see what they can do with it, cross your fingers and wish them the best on their mental exercise. I don’t mind them myself, sometimes. If there’s a subject on which I have even the most tangential thought, in many cases I can find something creative and/or catchy to do with it, provided there’s no vital scheduling needs involved.
Writing prompts are an enjoyable challenge for me if everyone’s fine waiting anywhere from two days to three years for my results. It doesn’t matter if the idea came from the WordPress.com Daily Post. It doesn’t matter if it came from current events. And as I’ve discovered over the past four months, it makes no difference if the idea was mine.
Speaking of which: I have a commitment to fulfill and a project I said I’d finish.
Millions of viewers used to love watching Frosty the Snowman every year when it aired around Christmastime. The beloved 1969 animated special was one of several perennial favorites in my childhood household. We knew the song, we knew most of the lines, we recognized those familiar cartoon voices, and we knew every beat of the story, from the flop magician to the snowman’s parting promise. Frosty was common knowledge among us kids.
See that face up there, full of angst and pathos and magic? That classic hero just turned 45 years old. Isn’t it time for his 21st-century reboot?
I don’t mean as a feature film, because that declining box office is depressing. I also don’t mean another one-time TV Christmas special, because that’s thinking too small. See, I’m thinking live-action regular series. So many facets of this undervalued intellectual property yearn for a modern update with better fashions, extra pizzazz, hipper attitudes, and supernatural warfare. Frosty himself could stay CG, but there’s no reason Karen, her friends, the other townspeople, and most of the town scoundrels couldn’t be played by real actors so we can crank out episodes more quickly and minimize our animation needs. Unless we send this proposal to Fox, animating it will get us nowhere. I say it’s time for Frosty to start over, but this time keep it real.
I’ve taken the liberty of mapping out a hypothetical thirteen-episode first season that would rebuild the Frosty universe from the ground up and make it relevant and “sick” to a whole new generation of impressionable prime-time viewers. This, then, is what my preliminary episode guide looks like for…
SNOWMAN: THE SERIES!
“By the power of Methuselah, I HAVE THE POWER!”
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Crane find the legendary Sword of Methuselah, which can slay any being around, including Big Bads; an escaped Captain Irving goes into hiding; Henry Parish (f/k/a Jeremy Crane) sounds the first of three horn-blows that signal the Endtimes opening ceremonies; his demon boss Moloch blossoms into his final form; the Headless Horseman and the still-unnamed Blazing Sword Armor Golem both stand by, ready for evil action; and Katrina Crane, Undercover Spy Witch, turns out once again to be a useless liability.
In tonight’s fall finale, “The Akeda”: the promo promised “SOMEONE MUST FALL”, and sure enough, Our Heroes come face to face with the Big Bad himself, and not everyone makes it out alive. And nearly everyone’s here: Crane! Abbie! Katrina! Jenny! Irving! Hawley! Moloch! Henry! Bram! The War armor! Alas, Captain Reyes is nowhere in sight, because only those who believe in magic are allowed inside this climactic, tragic episode.
For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
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Abigail Mills and the Next Crusade after the Last Crusade, Which Turned Out to Be the Next-to-Last Crusade, Unless This One Isn’t the Last Crusade Either, In Which Case That One and This One Each Turned Out to Be Just *A* Crusade.
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Jenny’s dead mom finally earned release to the next life by saving them from the clutches of a raging Cynthia Stevenson, who used to be Bob Newhart’s merry daughter on Bob; Captain Irving escaped Tarrytown Psychiatric in hopes of avoiding Henry Parish’s evil clutches and somehow breaking his soul contract; and an ailing Ichabod Crane learned the common cold hasn’t changed much in 250 years.
In tonight’s new episode, “Magnum Opus”: a MacGuffin quest, a mythical monster, deep thoughts about the life decisions we let others make for us, and more fun with Crane’s phone, as he uses it to play Who Am I? with Abbie, Google “sunrise times”, and view creatures through the camera so their looks won’t kill him.
For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
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The stars of Zero Dark Thirty and Gone Baby Gone spent months crafting an accurate portrayal of apocalyptic farm life.
[Courtesy Spoiler Warning. Plot points ahead.]
So you and your friends have turned Interstellar nitpicking into your new favorite spectator sport? You say you’re not content with forgiving the movie its flaws, or with engaging in the more challenging activity of brainstorming reasons why they’re maybe not flaws? Or you’re possibly dissatisfied because Christopher Nolan’s new movie barely passes the Bechdel test and only scores 1/3 on the Blackdel Test. (The latter is of course rarer and tougher, requiring a movie to contain (1) at least 2 black characters (2) who talk to each other (3) about anything except race. And a 1/3 is an amazing score compared to most other major-studio films.)
Internet users have had no shortage of axes to grind over the movie, and it’s telling that Interstellar has pulled in over $120 million at the U.S. box office without winning the #1 position in its first three weeks of release. It’s on track to become Nolan’s lowest-grossing film since The Prestige, possibly because everyone has been quick to dissect it and find faults since it doesn’t meet their narrow expectations of what a film about spaceflight should look like. Or everyone’s still bitter about The Dark Knight Rises. Hard to say.
Personally, I liked what Interstellar tried to do and appreciated what it accomplished, even if it may not become The Film That Saved NASA. I embraced it despite its problems, theorized why some viewers may have been overthinking it, and thought that some of its errors, omissions, and outrageous fallacies were actually pretty cool.
From the Home Office in Indianapolis, IN: Top 10 Best Scientific Inaccuracies in Interstellar:
10. Tom eating a giant dust burrito and exclaiming, “Mmmmm, farm-to-table dust!”
9. The tap-dance shoe-clicking in Anne Hathaway’s zero-G musical number
8. McConaughey insisting he needs to lose forty pounds
7. The ship slingshots around the black hole and reappears in the Enterprise‘s 1986 humpback-whale tank
6. Waterworld suspiciously free of the wreckage of Kevin Costner’s career
5. Reciting the same poem three times somehow does not summon the ghost of Dylan Thomas
4. Fifth Dimension ruled by a black gay female Mr. Mxyzptlk
3. Rocket fuel magically synthesized from used copies of Failure to Launch
2. Matt Damon in a movie without top billing
And the number one Scientific Inaccuracy in Interstellar:
1. God appears to the crew; reveals His true name is Oscar Consideration.
“Hey, kids! Wanna journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination?”
Not all of Christopher Nolan’s films are five-star masterpieces (here’s nodding off at you, Dark Knight Rises), but the foundation of new ideas that underpin each production guarantees we’re in for a unique cinematic experience rather than prefab Hollywood conveyor-belt product. Witness the debate-class spectacle that is Interstellar — one-half homage to 2001: a Space Odyssey, one-half admitted love letter from Nolan to his daughter bearing messages of hope, curiosity, science, human achievement, and the strength of intangible, immeasurable bonds that keep us connected even when we’re parsecs apart.
Remember when watching home movies was a fun family experience?
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes defeated a succubus; Katrina returned to the waiting arms of undead ex-fiancé Bram; Henry presided over the crib of a bouncing baby Moloch; and Crane found himself bewitched by the inexplicable forces of reality TV.
In tonight’s new episode, “Mama”, we meet Abbie and Jenny’s mom! Guest star Aunjanue Ellis (The Help, Ray) is the late Lori Mills, who committed suicide in Tarrytown Psychiatric Hospital years ago, leaving her daughters to fend for themselves in the face of a demonic conspiracy. As with every other death in town, of course we learn not all was as it seemed, and she’s not out of the game yet. Meanwhile, Ichabod Crane is down for most of the episode with a nasty cold. He spends half the time resting of his own volition, and the other half knocked out by drugged matzo ball soup, courtesy of the “privateer” Hawley, who’s happy to help even though his actions don’t earn him a single dime this week.
For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
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We’re gonna go save the world just as soon as this kitty is sufficiently petted.
When The Walt Disney Company acquired Marvel Entertainment in 2009, fans on all sides wondered what sort of corporate synergy we’d see between the two in future projects. For the most part the companies have kept their logos in separate spaces, but Big Hero 6 represents the first truly co-op experience: a Disney animated film based on a Marvel property, albeit very loosely (whose creators, Steven T. Seagle and Duncan Rouleau, later became part of the think tank responsible for Ben 10). Sharing between Disney and Marvel came easily to them this time, most likely because the characters had become instantly obscure and tossed in the back of the Marvel IP closet, upsetting maybe five or ten fans at most. If a reboot went wrong, they had nothing to lose.
Someone somewhere spotted them on a list, figured they were practically a blank slate, dusted them off, shined them up, upgraded them for a younger audience, deleted all the X-Men connections that got them published in the first place, and now here we are with the next Walt Disney Animated Classic — the all-new, all-different Big Hero 6.
My expression most of the time while watching.
Two weeks ago we drove to the other side of the city to see Birdman in the only art-film theater in Indianapolis. I’m annoyed that it later opened more widely and is now showing at two theaters much closer to home, but there’s no use crying over wasted gas. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to translate my reaction into words that capture my enthusiastic response without being mere labels. There’s a scene about that, and it’s been bugging me ever since.
If you know the movie only from its elliptical ads, you’ll quickly learn Birdman is not slapstick superhero spoof. This isn’t Condorman or Superhero Movie with better effects and a more famous cast. Satire is one of the film’s numerous modes, but costumed metahumans and the summer action blockbusters they inhabit are just a couple of the many subjects facing the scrutiny of director Alejandro GonzĂ¡lez IĂ±Ă¡rritu (Babel), who’s more interested in deeper goals than in brainstorming cheap Batman jokes.
Merchandise and props are keen to look at, but every convention needs guests, fans, and a functional staff. (Photo: outtake from our C2E2 2014 collection.)
After our mixed experience with the first last month, my wife and I were disappointed to learn today that their next show, Awesome Con Milwaukee, which had been scheduled for the weekend before Thanksgiving, has been canceled. On November 5th Awesome Conventions President Ben Penrod posted a statement on their official Facebook page that read in part:
We initially planned for this event to be a huge celebration of comics and pop culture, but we had a number of challenges, and things just weren’t coming together in a few areas. Providing an unforgettable convention experience is key to Awesome Con’s entire existence, but it was looking more and more like this con wasn’t going to be able to live up to its name or your expectations for what Awesome Con is. Rather than falling short, we have decided to cancel this year’s event.
I’m truly sorry, and I’m sad, and I completely understand that you will be upset with us (and we are upset, as well). I appreciate everyone who signed up for the con, everyone who bought a table or booth, everyone who supported us and all of our partners in Milwaukee. It means a lot to us and we’re very sorry that we are letting you down.
Right this way for a few more stories, and our own upcoming con plans…
Soul-sucking demon or not, nightclub mood lighting isn’t flattering to anyone.
In tonight’s new episode, “Heartless”…it’s Our Heroes versus a succubus! I first learned about those from the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. Or maybe it was the Fiend Folio. I forget which. That game taught me a lot of mythology and folklore at an early age. Succubi definitely weren’t a Level-1 monster, I remember that much.
For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
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Coming next fall to The CW: Winklevoss and Wonka! They’re loose-cannon buddy-cops, hot on the trail of Mike Teavee and the Facebook Staff!
Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: the recurring feature that’s me jotting down capsule-sized notes about Stuff I Recently Watched at home. In this batch: an expensive tale about Massive Explosions of the Oooold West; an epic from the end of China’s Warring States period; a World War II short story about the time they almost killed Hitler; and an animated sort-of adaptation of a famous novel about an honorary teen pirate.
It’s Election Day in Sleepy Hollow! May the best not-evil, not-undead candidate win!
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: the late Sheriff Corbin’s long-lost son became a Wendigo; the jailed Captain Irving got more charges added on to his rap sheet; Crane learned to hate yoga; we learned the truth about Squire Boone, secret cannibal; and Henry sent a magical spider made of super-poison to sneak inside a sleeping Katrina’s open mouth.
In tonight’s new episode, “Deliverance”, Our Heroes face an immaculate inception, moral debates about elderly little boys lost, a new name for Moloch, the secret healing power of the Northern Lights, and the wonder of Election Day. Crane’s fake papers may not be enough to bypass local voter ID laws, but he’s more than happy to offer suggestions to Lieutenant Abbie, who’s proud that it only took 180 years and two amendments before American black women like her could finally vote, so you darn well better believe she’s gonna. As a consolation prize, Abbie gives Crane her “I Voted” sticker, so no one can say the democratic process left this privileged white man totally empty-handed.
For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
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I haven’t forgotten about this very special project, but I had a certain viewing/posting order in mind that would’ve put some thematic coupling to these entries. That plan was derailed when two of the pilots on the master list were not available for viewing On Demand, my primary source of after-airing catch-up. I’m in the process of making special arrangements to see those two without resorting to pirating or (ugh) buying them on iTunes. That leaves me with two pilots I’ve watched in the past month that share absolutely nothing in common except that I haven’t covered them yet. Maybe this works if we all agree to pretend Jane the Virgin and Mike Tyson are mismatched buddy-cops who have to get along for the sake of their jobs, and that there are high stakes and…I don’t even know how to finish this sentence in any remotely entertaining manner. The two series are like comparing apples and Edsels. I give.
Onward, then:
The protesters were right all along: Harry Potter is the Devil.
Horror is rarely my thing anymore, but Horns was a different, rarer event for me: a movie based on a novel I’d actually read. Checking out the original book was a natural leap since I was a fan of author Joe Hill’s comics series Locke & Key. I was also curious to see how his writing style compared to his famous father’s. (Summed up: Hill’s dark, rural underside doesn’t have his dad’s grandiloquent flourishes, but his lean-‘n’-mean approach is pretty propulsive nonetheless.)
My reaction to the novel was a bit mixed, but I felt compelled to check out the movie version anyway — partly out of curiosity, and partly because nearly three months had passed since I watched any 2014 releases (my last theater trip was for Guardians of the Galaxy) and I’ve been itching to see something new. And Horns happened to be available On Demand before its U.S. theatrical release on Halloween, so I figured why not. ‘Twas the season.
…and I have to mention it stars the Daniel Radcliffe, the Man Who Lived. That part’s important to some, I suppose.
Chadwick Boseman: a black hero in a white genre.
Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: we launched a new recurring feature that’s me jotting down capsule-sized notes about not-new movies I catch at home. In this batch of Stuff I Recently Watched: two recent horror DVDs that were given to me for free, just in time for Halloween; one Shakespearean adaptation with a most unusual costuming approach; and one period-piece/biopic featuring an actor whose biggest starring role yet was just announced earlier today with much delightful fanfare.
Abbie and Crane share drinks and toast to absent characters at the Tarrytown Cheers.
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Crane learned his beloved Katrina was keeping yet another secret from him, this one involving the accidental death (or was it murder) of his long-lost ex-fiancĂ©, who returned from the dead as a zombie naiad and killed a dear friend. Meanwhile, Crane’s evil son Henry Parish received evil demerits from his demon overlord Moloch for not submitting this petty revenge exercise through the proper evil approval channels.
In tonight’s new episode, “And the Abyss Gazes Back”, it’s time to meet yet another long-lost family member we never knew: Our Heroes meet Zach Appelman as Joe Corbin, son of the late Sheriff Corbin, for which Clancy Brown returns in another minute of new voiceover. Joe’s got a secret, Henry’s got plans, Hawley brings friends, Jenny brings organs, Captain Irving faces temptation, and Crane faces the sinister threat of backstabbing gamers. Also, there’s a monster.
For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
“The power of comics compels you to watch! The power of comics compels you to watch! Um, uh, accio remote!“
It’s time for more comic book TV! Longtime readers know John Constantine from his first appearance as an obnoxious Swamp Thing ally and/or as the star of his own mature-readers DC/Vertigo series that ran for 25 years before it was canceled and replaced by a more mainstream version ready-made for super-hero crossovers. Too many movie viewers first knew him as the focus of just another failed Keanu Reeves vehicle, whose high point was Tilda Swinton as a creepy angel. The new John in NBC’s Constantine is basically Dr. Strange on zero hours’ sleep wearing Harvey Bullock’s clothes. Regardless, the cunning yet selfish antihero has been handled by so many great writers over the decades, shown in so many states of mind operating in so many peculiar ways, that this pilot had no chance of pleasing all the people all of the time.
A not-quite-tender moment between Abraham van Brunt (Neil Jackson), a.k.a. the Headless Horseman, a.k.a. Death, and Katrina Crane, Spy Witch (Katia Winter).
(…because it would’ve been too easy to run with “The Rain of Pain Falls Mainly on Crane”.)
Anyway. Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes killed a Pied Piper, our man Crane (Tom Mison) became an unlicensed stunt driver, Nick Hawley (Matt Barr) got paid for broken merchandise, Henry Parish (John Noble) added some crushed bone flute to his pantry, and the Sleepy Hollow Word of the Day was “gillygaupus”, which means “a stupid, awkward person”. Did you use it in a sentence this week? Good job! Was it directed at someone else online? If so, why am I not surprised?
In tonight’s new episode, “The Weeping Lady”, mean Captain Reyes and the entire Irving family remain offstage as Our Heroes must face the undead threat of…Ichabod Crane’s evil ex-girlfriend!
For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…
Midlife Crisis Crossover! 