Author Archives: Randall A. Golden

WordPress.com Magic Elves Offer Colorful Second Opinion of My 2012

January 1, 2013 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 11 Comments

Important part first: Happy New Year’s to one and all!

Here’s hoping 2013 will be Best Year Ever for all of you, whether you’re planning to expand on your 2012 achievements and victories, secretly wishing for a complete do-over, or were born within the past hour and have no basis for comparison.

Since most readers are either partying or recovering (depending on how soon this is being read), I’ve allowed myself to relax a little more than usual tonight, spending more time with family than with keyboard. It’s my understanding that correcting this imbalance at least three or four days per year is strongly recommended by most of my relatives, biased though they are. That meant less time for writing and more for board games, but in my mind it’s an exchange more than fair, even though my wife and son refused to let me unleash our Scrabble set and trounce them both just once.

In lieu of an overlong piece about New Year’s resolutions (expect something along those lines tomorrow, because of worldwide mandatory blogging bylaws), the following Very Special Report is provided as a treat for my fellow blog stat junkies, or for fans of cute animated fireworks.

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My 2012 in Pictures: a Montage of Montages Past and Future

December 30, 2012 By in Conventions & Events, Meta, Travel Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

From a purely photographic perspective, our family found 2012 far from boring, to say the least. It wasn’t without its share of trials, tears, and terrors, but it’s my fervent hope that the memories of those invigorating events caught on camera should outlast the emotional scars of the uglier incidents for years to come.

Some of the following subjects are from photo parades previously shared here on MCC. Some are from events that occurred prior to MCC’s inception on April 28, 2012. Some of these are sneak previews of photo parades that have been held in reserve until the conclusion of the 2012 Road Trip series, which is not represented in this gallery since it has its very own de facto home page.

That being said: the lighter side of 2012 from my limited vantage point appeared as follows. Continue reading →

2012 Road Trip Photos #40: The Season Finale: Look Back in Outtakes

December 29, 2012 By in Travel Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Nine days. Five states. 2,887 miles. 828 photos. One mountaintop. Fourteen stops for gas. Innumerable sights and memories. Nine consecutive entries for journals written on location. Forty entries for photos, additional commentary, and hindsight. My wife and I have taken a road trip in some fashion each year since 1999 — before we were married or even dating, back when we were best friends. Our week-plus excursion to Colorado via Kansas was one of our most ambitious, successful, and draining road trips to date. Thanks sincerely to those lovable readers who followed along with us and offered encouragement throughout the process, whether in ways great or small, conscious or unwitting.

As my way of concluding the “2012 Road Trip Photos” series and holding the blogging equivalent of a post-production wrap party, please enjoy this assortment of previously unshared photos from the journey. Some are alternate viewpoints of sights you’ve seen; some are little moments bypassed till now. For the complete itinerary, check out the 2012 Road Trip checklist for the ultimate reading guide, with links to all the notes and photos, day by day. They’re a fun way to kill an afternoon or help decide how your own future trips to these locales will be even better.

Let the montage begin!

F-14 Tomcast, WaKeeney, Kansas

DAY TWO: my wife peeks out from underneath the F-14 Tomcat in WaKeeney, Kansas.

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 3 of 3: Live from Super Bowl Village

December 28, 2012 By in Indiana, Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

For those just joining us: today concludes the three-part landmark miniseries that chronicles my few feeble forays into the world of video. Not one of these three videos is a crowning achievement; they’re the aesthetic equivalent of lower-tier DVD extras. It’s no coincidence that the sharing of this humbling collection coincides with one of the Internet’s traditionally quietest weeks of the year. Those brash young YouTube stars make it look so simple, but not all of us have the knack for that art form.

In Part One, we watched Chinese acrobats from the sidelines. In Part Two, we watched the award-non-winning live-action short film “Bear on Scooter”. In Part Three, I move from behind the camera to glorious center stage.

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 2 of 3: Bear on Scooter

December 27, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

In our previous precarious episode, the balancing bedazzlement of Chinese acrobats was the first humble example of my limited, sub-amateur experiences in the video medium.

One year later, at the 2010 Indiana State Fair I was stricken a second time by the impulse to test-drive my camera’s modest video function while watching live-action entertainment, just to see what would happen. I vaguely recalled a couple of mistakes not to repeat. This time we had front-facing seats; I kept the running time under a minute; and I found an odder subject.

With no schooling or forethought I created a modern masterpiece of bravery and stunt work, never to be duplicated or understood by rival artistes. The juxtaposition of a formidable force of nature with an understated man-made artifact examines the stark contrast between our attempts to navigate our world and nature’s cold-hearted insistence on denying the fundamental superiority of manifest destiny. On a deeper psychological level, the uneasy alliance between the avatars of ferocity and technology is an exemplary illustration of that innate contradiction known as the duality of man.

My thirty-nine-second magnum opus is called “Bear on Scooter”:

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 1 of 3: the Chinese Acrobats

December 26, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Some people are skilled with video cameras. Some are talented in front of cameras. Those who lack proper training for either side will see their amateur attempts at moving pictures yield mixed results. This three-part miniseries will clarify for the record why I’m not a vlogger, even though nobody asked.

I’ve never owned a dedicated video camera in my life, never even held or operated someone else’s. My camera has a video function, but it wasn’t a consideration when I bought it because I’ve never been a fan of home movies. I was under the impression that the average camera owner dedicates its use largely to birthday parties, Christmas Day in the living room, and grade-school recitals starring children who aren’t mine. Perhaps other families turn their gatherings into elaborate stage productions, complete with musical numbers and action scenes worth immortalizing for future generations. Our family, not so much. We’re big on photos, but minimalist on real-time recordings.

One sweltering August day at the 2009 Indiana State Fair, I was struck by one of my frequent random whims that always start with the question, “What happens when I do this?” My wife and I had been enjoying the fairground attractions and decided to sample one of the live entertainment options, a troupe of Chinese acrobats who were appearing gratis and weren’t prefaced with stringent disclaimers forbidding A/V recording devices. Just for fun, I decided to see what would happen if I tried filming them instead of merely photographing them, using the camera feature I’d never accessed before.

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2012 Road Trip Photos #39: Prolonged Missouri

December 25, 2012 By in Travel Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

On Day Nine, we prepared to exit Webb City and begin the last section of our 2012 road trip. We had very few stops planned on this eight-hour leg and hoped Missouri would grant us the courtesy of safe, expedient passage.

After bidding my in-laws farewell, we detoured for one last sight in town — giant praying hands that stand tall down the street from Ozark Christian College. We took comfort in their presence and prayed they were a good sign that our journey would be under watchful, merciful eyes.

Giant Praying Hands, Webb City, MIssouri

No one likes to see their hopes answered hours later with an ill omen.

Smoke on I-44

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What Christmas is All About: an Imaginary Dramatic Reading

December 24, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , 3 Comments

As a gift to loyal Midlife Crisis Crossover readers, allow me to perform a simple act of kindness: my shortest post of the month. If I put my mind to it, I’m sure I could plan a 300-word post about What Christmas Is All About and watch it spiral out of control past the 1500-word mark…or I could acknowledge the hectic week before me and refrain from siphoning too much of your free time.

Pardon me while I step back and defer instead to a famous TV soliloquy, a more wizened reading voice, and a face that launched a thousand viral placards:

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A Scorecard for Judging Your Christmas Gifts

December 23, 2012 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Christmas currencyImagine the following scenario:

Your friends and/or family gather for the holidays. After a shared meal and perhaps some conversation, a large table is cleared and everyone sits around it. Each person lays a twenty-dollar bill on the table. At the host’s signal, each person moves their bill toward the person on their left. Everyone then takes the bill passed to them from their right.

Congratulations! Your friends and/or family have just celebrated an efficient, low-impact, bloodless Christmas, bereft of personal touch or recognition.

I realize gifts aren’t the reason for the season. I know I’m at an age when I should be less excited about what I might be getting for Christmas and more excited about the spiritual and emotional aspects. I’m lamentably aware that the person who buys me the best gifts is myself, because I know me best and I don’t limit my self-gift-giving to just Christmastime.

And yet…when I buy gifts for other people, I try to brainstorm ideas for the loved one in question with a modicum of creativity. I don’t always succeed, but I do try. The act of gift-giving itself can, for better or worse, reveal how well you know a person, how much of an effort you think they’re worth, and how imaginatively you can apply your problem-solving skills to such a task.

Obvious moral disclaimer: judging the gifts you’ve been given is frequently not cool. However, in my weaker moments, it’s not hard for the darker part of my subconscious to observe something I’ve just unwrapped and begin running background calculations to ascertain how much or how little thought or care went into the exchange.

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A Few of My Favorite Apocalypses

December 23, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Roland Emmerich's "2012"Remember that time when the world ended on December 21st? And before that on January 1, 2000, at the hands of the Y2K bugaboo? And before that in 1994 as Nostradamus predicted in The Man Who Saw Tomorrow? Neither do I. As the humble survivor of at least three documented ends of the world, I count my blessings and try not to take the failures of those premature endtimes for granted.

In honor of Earth living to rotate another day, I present this cursory clipfest of a few of the most memorable incidents in which someone or something threatened to end or merely ruin life on Earth as we know it. In some cases the day was saved thanks to some meddling kids; in other cases, Earth lost and the survivors pressed on because life had to find a new way. At the bottom are a few provisional inclusions — two stories I haven’t seen through to their conclusions, and two stories I could’ve lived without knowing.

(This list is clearly far from all-inclusive. Beyond what I’m forgetting or dismissing, I’m also setting aside the most famous of all, the one that will end with the Lord’s victory, because of obvious Hall of Fame status. Unfair competition, you see.)

On with the countdown, preferably timed with a red digital readout:

* Falling Skies — If the War of the Worlds Martians had better immune systems, even in victory they’d still have to reckon with the uppity spiritual descendants of America’s founding fathers. As led by the earnest but damaged Noah Wyle and Armageddon survivor Will Patton, the Second Mass is more organized and logical than Revolution, more hope-filled and less defeatist than The Walking Dead, and a lot less canceled than FlashForward.

* 2012 — Not the year itself, but the arguably greatest film of Roland Emmerich’s career has better effects than Godzilla, less jingoism than Independence Day, and higher-quality schmaltz than The Day After Tomorrow. Add in a histrionic John Cusack, a self-parodying Woody Harrelson, and a mandatory impassionate speech at the end delivered by Serenity‘s amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor. With these key components, Emmerich finally nailed the formula he’d striven for years to perfect.

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“Freshly Pressed” Post Saves Earth, Foils Millennia-Old Mayan Armageddon Scheme

December 21, 2012 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Tomazooma

If there were a Mayan Galactus, he would dress exactly like Tomazooma.

One of the first things I noticed when I woke up December 21, 2012, is that I woke up December 21, 2012, a day that The Powerless Who Wish They Were The Powers That Be duly notified us years in advance would not exist. In direct defiance of this premonition, there I was, groggy, breathing, existent, and hearing my wife out in the living room yelling at our dog. None of these things could possibly be happening. Pundits had told me so.

Clearly someone had meddled in the long-term machinations of those pesky Mayans. Who could have saved the day, and all the days after it? Did God smite them? Was their forbidden stronghold located and smashed to pieces by a South American super-hero team? Did a suspicious policeman stumble upon their ringleaders and call in reinforcements? Did their primitive doomsday device slip a cog? Or did their sleeper agents forget to set their alarm clocks for the right time to rise up and decimate?

I was clueless. My mostly ordinary work day failed to shed any light or unearth new evidence to this mystery…for the first half of the day, anyway. At lunchtime I found my answer.

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2012 Road Trip Photos #38: the Landscape of Joplin-That-Will-Be

December 20, 2012 By in Travel Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Our family had an ulterior motive for cruising Route 66 on Day Eight besides meeting Mater. It was the most straightforward path from the Little House Museum to our relatives who live across the Kansas/Missouri border in a town called Webb City. After so many days on the road with just our trio keeping each other company, it was a relief to unwind and chat with other familiar folks. My wife’s sister, her husband, and our irrepressible li’l nephew have called it home for several years, at a distance hard from us to traverse under normal circumstances. Luckily for us, this year’s itinerary provided a convenient excuse to veer in their direction for a visit.

Times in the area hadn’t been easy over the previous fourteen months. Webb City neighbors a nationally recognized city called Joplin, which occupied headlines in May 2011 when an F5 tornado wrought over twenty-two miles’ worth of obliteration and sorrow.

After our first home-cooked meal in a week, my gracious sister-in-law offered us a status update of Joplin via personal guided tour. Even though fourteen months had elapsed, I hoped we wouldn’t be ghoulishly gawking at a DMZ of too many sobering sights.

St Johns Hospital, Joplin, Missouri

Lingering destruction comprised a minute portion of what we encountered. Continue reading →

The Songs That Sweeten My Christmas Spirit

December 20, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , 8 Comments

A Charlie Brown ChristmasConsider this list an overdue companion piece to my previous entry, “The Songs That Sour My Christmas Spirit“, in which I griped at length about lumps of audio coal guaranteed never to appear on my personal Christmas playlist. Let it not be said that my only thoughts on the subject are entirely negative, though. There, I tooketh away; here, I giveth.

The songs of the season that catch my ear, lift my spirit, and chase away the holiday errand-running blues, include but are hardly limited to the following, in no particular order:

* * * * *

* Dido, “Christmas Day“ — I’m not usually a fan of love songs, but I like the ethereal vocals, dreamlike gait, touches of electronica, and the lyrical tale of an anticipated traveler that may or may not be romantic.

* Anyone who cares to sing it, “The First Noel“ — I’ve been partial to this tune ever since I sang it solo in my school’s Christmas program in sixth grade. As I’ve aged and my spiritual outlook has metamorphosed since then, it’s taken on deeper level of meanings for me. Of all the Christmas songs we learned in school, it arguably receives the least radio airplay and is seldom covered by today’s artists. I’m sad when a song I like is never played, but I appreciate it when it’s not overplayed. For some songs that’s a tough middle ground to find. (I’m looking in your direction, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”.)

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Midlife Crisis Crossover 2012 in Review, Assuming the Next Thirteen Days are a Complete Write-Off

December 18, 2012 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 34 Comments

Midlife Crisis Crossover was launched April 28, 2012, as a creative attempt to do something different with my spare time, my ostensible talents, and four decades of accumulated monumental mistakes and mental minutiae. Though it wasn’t my first blog, it was my first time attempting a blog without an immediate support system or preexisting audience. The MCC experience has been eight curious months of dedication, persistence, failures, sleep deprivation, loneliness, stubbornness, prayer, and occasional wild luck. Over the course of the first 240 posts I’ve discovered new peers, made new friends, learned new things about myself and HTML, improved 2% at photography, and remembered one or two stylistic rules I’d forgotten since college, with several more still repressed and yet to be rediscovered.

Empty Obama Chair, Clint Eastwood's arch-enemy

The infamous empty chair, a.k.a. “Obamachair”

The WordPress.com Weekly Writing Challenge has encouraged us to look back at our year and remember where we’ve been. Even before I began assembling my MCC year-end lists, I already knew which post would top most of them: “The Day an Empty Chair Ruled the Internet” was the watershed event that drew the most Likes, Comments, and Shares (and nearly the most traffic) of anything else I’ve written this year, arguably even in my full thirteen years of Internet participation, thanks in large part to its “Freshly Pressed” status that saw it spotlighted for all WordPress users to see over Labor Day weekend.

For its outstanding achievement of Attracting an Audience, “Empty Chair” is the first and only entry in the MCC Hall of Fame, even though it was about political events and my incredulous disdain for same. If we set it aside in a class by itself, my memories of 2012 look like so:

* * * * *

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Morgan Freeman Photos Convey Authority, Win Debates, Certify Anything as Gold

December 17, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Morgan FreemanDuring the solemn, lamentable weekend following last Friday’s senseless tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, Facebook users who were already struggling with their own reactions, the reactions of their friends, and the fights breaking out between friends of conflicting reactions all found themselves interrupted dozens of times over the course of the weekend by the reassuring face of Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman, perceived as one of the kindliest, most grandfatherly figures in all of Hollywood. His face was attached to a short essay decrying the culpability of mass media in encouraging too many broken young men to become power-tripping mass murderers because of the seedy allure of posthumous headlines and ten minutes of front-page infamy. Few would argue with the content of the well-meaning essay, but this wasn’t just any old essay written by an ostensibly intelligent typist. This was an essay attached to a photo of Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman.

Somehow the photo imbued those words with a godlike acumen that transcended all racial, economic, and spiritual barriers. Within seconds one out of every one-and-a-half Facebook users was forwarding the words and picture to everyone in striking distance under the assumption that they naturally had something to do with each other. No need for fact-checking, no verifying sources, no asking why Freeman would release a public statement as if he’s an official White House spokesman — someone they knew forwarded it to them, so it had to be true.

What you saw probably resembled this, except more professionally cobbled together and without my modified attribution:

Morgan Freeman Fraud Sample

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MCC Request Line #5: “Gossip Girl”

December 17, 2012 By in TV/DVD Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Robert John Burke, Gossip Girl, The CW

An All-Star Salute to Big Bad Bart Bass

Welcome back to the Midlife Crisis Crossover Request Line, in which recommendations from MCC fans send me reading, viewing, or reviewing objects of varying qualities of attempted art, either because they think highly of them or because they want to see me squirm. Today’s suggestion came from the Tugboat Captain’s Wife over at Enchanted Seashells, a longtime fan who could probably already guess where this is headed.

Today’s subject: The long-running CW series Gossip Girl, whose two-hour series finale is scheduled to air Monday, December 17th. Rather than endure a potentially lethal double dosage, I’ll be watching last Monday’s penultimate episode called “The Revengers”. I presume this episode will not contain a single reference to the obscure 1980s Neal Adams/Continuity Studios comic book of the same name.

What I knew beforehand: Rich, promiscuous, young adults in upscale Manhattan are plagued by the menace of an anonymous blogger who writes annoying things. The stars of the show are Blake Lively (Green Lantern, The Town) and some actor name Chace, which may or may not be pronounced “Chachi”. That’s literally all I know off the top of my head.

Why I hadn’t tried it before: I go to great lengths to avoid the subgenre of young-adult softcore soap opera. But a reader suggestion is a reader suggestion.

The above intro was written before pressing “play”. And then this happened.

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2012 Road Trip Photos #37: Tow Mater Welcomes You to Route 66

December 15, 2012 By in Travel Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

The scenery east of the Little House Museum remained steady and unremarkable until we navigated our way to famous Historic Route 66. Originally connecting Chicago and Los Angeles, the formerly cross-country thoroughfare that inspired a TV show, a Pixar film, and innumerable road trips was ignobly decommissioned decades ago when it found itself superseded by the newfangled interstate system. Many sections were downgraded, renamed, or scuppered altogether. A few segments across America retain the original name, shape, and celebrity, including a few miles’ worth in southwest Kansas, leading east into Missouri.

Historic Route 66 road sign

Some locals still cherish the heritage of Route 66 and cheerfully commemorate its legacy and impact on pop culture. Galena, for example, is a rare small town that can justify boasting about a life-sized stand-in for the one and only Tow Mater.

Tow Mater, Route 66, Galena, Kansas

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The Parable of the Little Reindeer Candle

December 14, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Once upon a time, there was a cute little reindeer candle. I have no idea who gave him to us or on which Christmas, but we accepted him with open arms into our diverse family of Christmas decorations. Unlike other reindeer, he was white and chubby, but no one made cruel albino jokes or excluded him from reindeer games. If anything, he reminded me of me. Like many other candles, he was made of wax and topped with a fuse. Perhaps he was made to chase away the dark, but to us he was too cute and innocuous to light up.

When I retrieved our Christmas decorations from the attic last week, during the unpacking phase I discovered to my dismay that the attic’s complete lack of environmental controls had taken an unkind toll on the little reindeer candle. The summer heat had jump-started the melting process, no open flame required. His hooves and horns were now deformed. A homemade yarn-and-popsicle-stick from someone’s childhood had melded with his poor, softened, formerly rotund face. I yanked it off as delicately as I could, but several strands and dog hairs were stuck fast, leaving him with a scraggly, patchy, mountain-man countenance. He didn’t look very happy to be rescued.

Little Reindeer Candle

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The Time-Honored Family Tradition of the Overwhelming Christmas To-Do List

December 13, 2012 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , 7 Comments

christmas tree 2012

“Family Christmas Tree” side quest — status: Completed!

Once again the busiest month of the year demands more of our free time than any other holiday. Given its significance to our family, that’s not entirely unjustified, but we struggle just the same to strike a balance between Christmas activities, usual mandatory chores, everyday downtime, and time-sensitive fun options that have the misfortune of being scheduled in December. I’m usually plagued by to-do lists year-round as it is, but Christmastime never fails to send me into sudden-death double overtime to accomplish all the requirements and expected acts of cheer.

(I’m sure my wife’s to-do list is twice as long as mine, but she’ll be fine because she’s more magical than Santa.)

I’m shockingly ahead of schedule this year. My scorecard so far:

COMPLETED TASKS:

* Put up Christmas tree and indoor decorations. I refuse to retrieve our Christmas decorations from our attic until after Thanksgiving is over. That’s partly because I believe in celebrating a maximum of one (1) holiday at a time. That’s also partly because I hate going up in the attic. It’s cramped and uncomfortable and the door is hard to access and there are harmful pointy nails everywhere. I call it “the Danger Room”. But it has to be done within a week of Thanksgiving or else I suffer my wife’s adorable Christmas-loving wrath. The enclosed photo evidence confirms Christmas tree is go; we have themed wreaths and other Christmas knickknacks in place; and Christmas dinnerware is now in effect for extra credit.

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How the CALM Act Promises to End Our Regular Games of TV Volume-Control Teeter-Totter

December 13, 2012 By in TV/DVD Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

TV volume control, CALM Act

“Left! Left! GO LEFT! The Cialis spokesman will wake the baby!”

As a habitual night-owl who does his best to permit his normalized family their precious circadian rhythms, I’ve found that watching TV in the evening requires continuous vigilance to ensure that my programs don’t detonate a virtual sonic bomb in the living room when they go to commercial. Some channels have been better than others. It took me a fair amount of trial-and-error to determine the exact volume numbers to use as my thresholds while watching NBC’s Revolution on our set — up to 19 during the show, down to 14 during commercial breaks — to minimize my disturbance of others. Up and down, back and forth, ping and pong, I’d keep dragging the onscreen cursor in a tricky balancing act, lest I invoke the wrath of the rudely awakened if I failed to compensate quickly enough.

Last weekend we found one basic-cable channel that was far more egregious about it. Some senseless marketing department apparently asserted authority over the ad volume and insisted on a difference of dozens of degrees between it and the volume level of the actual show. I enjoy Dean Winters in those GEICO skits as much as the next Sarah Connor Chronicles fan, but bludgeoning my eardrums with his insurance pitch will not clinch a GEICO sale in our household.

Thankfully, the FCC decided last year that enough was enough, that this irritation merited official government interference. Effective December 13, 2012, the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act will finally take effect after a one-year grace period that a few companies obviously didn’t take seriously. The new rule according to the FCC’s official site states as follows:

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