“Freshly Pressed” Post Saves Earth, Foils Millennia-Old Mayan Armageddon Scheme


If there were a Mayan Galactus, he would dress exactly like Tomazooma.

One of the first things I noticed when I woke up December 21, 2012, is that I woke up December 21, 2012, a day that The Powerless Who Wish They Were The Powers That Be duly notified us years in advance would not exist. In direct defiance of this premonition, there I was, groggy, breathing, existent, and hearing my wife out in the living room yelling at our dog. None of these things could possibly be happening. Pundits had told me so.

Clearly someone had meddled in the long-term machinations of those pesky Mayans. Who could have saved the day, and all the days after it? Did God smite them? Was their forbidden stronghold located and smashed to pieces by a South American super-hero team? Did a suspicious policeman stumble upon their ringleaders and call in reinforcements? Did their primitive doomsday device slip a cog? Or did their sleeper agents forget to set their alarm clocks for the right time to rise up and decimate?

I was clueless. My mostly ordinary work day failed to shed any light or unearth new evidence to this mystery…for the first half of the day, anyway. At lunchtime I found my answer.

While nibbling on a quesadilla, I meant to spend a few minutes checking non-work emails, only to discover that one of my inboxes had exploded. My first suspicion was last-minute Christmas-shopping spam. My second suspicion was sabotage. Lo and behold, in the middle of the wild crowd scene was an official email from an authorized WordPress representative, informing me that “Midlife Crisis Crossover 2012 in Review, Assuming the Next Thirteen Days are a Complete Write-Off“, a response to this week’s WordPress.com Weekly Writing Challenge, had been selected for the coveted Freshly Pressed status. (For my faithful readers who aren’t WP users themselves: “Freshly Pressed” is an internal showcase for posts selected by WP editors as worthy, recommended reading to the WP community at large. Said community is not small.)

WordPress "Freshly Pressed" badgeThis was the most unusual part of my day, and therefore had to be the answer. This was why we were all still here. The last surviving Mayan masterminds were probably distracted at the last minute by WordPress’ recommendation and decided to read just one last post before pulling the final switch and annihilating the planet. With one click, they found not just one post, but a whole post about other posts. After reading and not hating the one post, they decided to click on just one last post, but this time we mean it. Next thing they knew, an hour of their lives had passed that they would never get back, the stars fell out of alignment, their devices fell apart, and Mexican Eliot Ness and his men rushed in to bust up their ancient speakeasy.

This, as far as I’m concerned, is a conclusion just as sound and as believable as the original foretelling itself.

I owe sincere thanks to the WordPress.com editors for this undeserved privilege. Thanks also very much to you, the Viewers at Home, for stopping by this weekend, regulars and newcomers alike, whether because of the WordPress recommendation or because you’re really curious about those Rise of the Guardians end credits. I’ve enjoyed the comments and opportunities for interaction, to say nothing of the new list of fellow bloggers I plan to check out.

Sincere apologies to any regular readers for whom “Freshly Pressed” means nothing except a dry-cleaners’ promise. I had another plan in mind for tonight — certainly not this, a post about a post about other posts. Regular programming, such as it is with my constantly shifting state of mind, will resume tomorrow.

3 responses

  1. “Clearly someone had meddled in the long-term machinations of those pesky Mayans. Who could have saved the day, and all the days after it?” You went and figured it out before I could even research enough of David Icke’s website to figure out if the shape shifting reptilians running the NWO had teamed up with the grey alien Illuminati to save the world so they could further their secret evil plans.


    • That’s a plausible theory, too, though I’m not convinced the Illuminati would overlook the reptilians’ total grossness. I’d wager the Illuminati prefer to keep their outsourcing strictly mammalian, because of speciesism. But that’s just me.


  2. Pingback: Wrapping up 2012 (just Three beautiful Sunsets) | Beyond Beauty Tips

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