Tag Archives: musings

How Do-It-Yourself Tutorials Made the Internet My Honorary Step-Parent

January 20, 2013 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Barlow Cemetery, Avon, Indiana

During a fully functional adulthood, not every moment can be fun ‘n’ games ‘n’ writing.

I was born and raised in a HUD-funded lower-class apartment complex without benefit of a father who could teach me the fundamentals of male living such as auto repair, home improvement, industrial arts, or sports appreciation. Whereas the average male begins learning these skills at an early age — either from Dad, Stepdad, or other guy friends — I counted myself lucky that I knew which screwdriver was which. I picked up a few lessons here and there over the years, but when my wife and I became first-time ignorant homeowners in 2007, self-education in these fields became a necessary survival tactic. If I had to pick up the phone and my credit card every time an inanimate object misbehaved or died unexpectedly, we’d be bankrupt and retreating to our old shack-sized apartment once more.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’m tiring of paying professional repairmen to complete every single task. Thankfully, certain areas of the Internet are populated by Good Samaritans willing and able to share their everyday knowledge with our disadvantaged lot. Over the past 5½ years I’ve made several virtual pilgrimages to any number of macho sensei in hopes that their imparted wisdom would imbue me with a new talent and save me several bucks.

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Thank-You Note to a Bus Company That Receives Precious Few

January 19, 2013 By in Indiana, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

IndyGo, bus, Indianapolis
Dear IndyGo,

Honesty up front: I wish you, the providers of public bus transportation for the city of Indianapolis, weren’t the beginning, the end, and the entirety of our city’s mass transit system, to use the term loosely. It’s not that I harbor a grudge toward you; I merely wish you weren’t our only option. The nearest IndyGo stop to our house is a mile-and-half walk, only one-third of which is paved with sidewalks. As I outlined in one of my earliest entries here on MCC, I’d dearly love to see Indianapolis install subway corridors, or even a light-rail system, as our family has seen in other, superior cities during our annual road trips. Alas, I’m not holding my breath waiting for this miracle to happen. I expect no resolution in my lifetime to the unceasing political sniping over who should pay for it, whose houses should we steamroll to make it happen, and how dare we take money out of the grubby paws of Big Fossil Fuel.

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Subway’s Scandalous Inconsistent Breadmaking: What Else Are They Hiding?

January 17, 2013 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , 15 Comments

Times Square visitors were warned to be on the lookout for rogue eleven-inch sandwiches impersonating cute, innocent footlongs.

Today Subway, the world’s fastest growing lunchmeat sandwich company, joined the sad but worldwide fraternity of restaurants whose only membership requirement is the awesome specter of a PR fiasco.

Mainstream news outlets reported an alleged Australian Facebook vandal sharing an incriminating photo of a “footlong” Subway sandwich next to a ruler measuring its length at a mere eleven inches. These same news outlets failed to ask the bigger question in my mind: shouldn’t a continent that primarily uses the metric system be offering “meterlong” sandwiches? I’d consider moving there.

Subway fans were appalled at this covert product reduction that the company allegedly perpetrated right under their noses. All those paid-for inches of fast food, withheld from countless sandwiches sold in good faith, were clearly a misdeed committed by greedy corporate one-percenters. Millions of enraged citizens responded by driving like mad to the Subway next door to their house, buying a footlong, measuring it, Instagramming the results with an indignant caption, and eating it anyway.

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Advance Movie Screenings: Pros and Cons

January 17, 2013 By in Meta, Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Broken City ticket stubThe advance screening of Broken City I attended last night was made possible through a marketing promotion run by a social-event notification service, from which I’d considered unsubscribing months prior. Lucky for me, their very first useful offer crossed my path at just the right time.

Just so we’re clear: last night’s entry was not a paid product review. I’m not opposed to attempting one of those on principle, but for some reason no one submits such offers to the occasionally biased sarcastic guy, even one who sometimes enjoys the things he tries. Also, in blogosphere big-picture terms, I’m still small-fry. Dare to dream, though.

One of the advantages of living in a city of above-average size is that we have enough theaters and moviegoers to warrant sporadic attention from the major studios, who use advance screenings as one of the handy tools in their marketing toolbox. Theoretically the studio partners with a theater to hold one screening of an upcoming film to a full house of Average Joes before its official release date. Said Joes reciprocate the favor by spending the saved ticket money on refreshments instead; sitting through the movie, perhaps a little more patiently than usual since it was free; then sharing their love for the movie across their personal social-media outlets of choice. You become their li’l marketing assistant for an evening, and your paycheck is a flick of their choosing.

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The Academy Awards: Art Appreciation as My Big Guilty Pleasure

January 12, 2013 By in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Oscars, Academy AwardsEvery year I follow exactly one (1) awards ceremony, ye olde Oscars. I care not one whit for the Golden Globes, the Peoples Choice Awards, or the various awards from industry guilds or critics’ cliques. I have no use for the Emmys, the Grammys, the American Music Awards, the Harveys, the Eisners, any award set beginning with “MTV”, or the Tonys, though I might be amenable to the latter if Manhattan ever moved next door to me. Since I don’t care for sports, I’m also left out of everyone else’s trophy excitement for the Super Bowl, the World Series, or whatever basketball calls their season finale.

My family knows the Academy Awards are always a major appointment on my calendar. Per my usual routine, I’m now counting down to the 85th Academy Awards ceremony, to be held Sunday, February 24th. Also per routine, I’ve already scheduled a vacation day for Monday the 25th so I can stay up late, arrange my annual write-up, and have some margin in case the horrendous happens and the ceremony drags past the six-hour mark because of incomprehensible dance numbers. Attempts to interfere with this itinerary are not recommended and end in unholy acrimony.

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How The Empty Chair Stole Christmas

January 7, 2013 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , 4 Comments

I’m not usually one for reblogging, but this post represents a milestone: my very first guest post on another blog!

The folks behind “Freshly DePressed” blog invited me to share a synopsis of my experience with having two entries slapped with the WordPress.com “Freshly Pressed” label. In previous FDP posts, past Freshly Pressed candidates have listed common symptoms associated with their fifteen minutes of fame, such as temporary euphoria, post-Pressed depression, and misplaced sympathy for actors who refuse to sign on to any movie that’s not instantly Oscar-worthy.

Enjoy! Also I may have to begin soliciting possible names for my theoretical new mascot. Please keep in mind “Obamachair” sounds lame and partisan, and “Chairy” is already taken.

freshlydepressed's avatarFreshly DePressed

FP2stats

Hi, my name is Randall at Midlife Crisis Crossover.  I was Freshly Pressed twice. Once for The Day An Empty Chair Ruled The Internet and again for Midlife Crisis Crossover 2012 in Review, Assuming the Next Thirteen Days are a Complete Write-Off. It’s been four months since I was first famous; three weeks since my encore.

One evening while pondering my blog’s tiny but breathing audience, I noticed millions of Americans were ignoring me and paying attention to an empty chair.  I could write and entertain.  It could not.  This imbalance seemed unfair.  However, the chair had the advantage of being lectured on live TV by a famous actor/director.  I can’t say for certain that that’s happened to me yet.  Advantage: chair.

Out of frustrated cognitive dissonance I wrote “The Day an Empty Chair Ruled the Internet”, the underlying moral of which was, “No chair should be this famous.”  Imagine…

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Is It Time to Reboot Your Franchise for the New Year?

January 1, 2013 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , 2 Comments

personal reboot, relaunch, restartAll around you are family, friends, and strangers using the excuse of a new January 1st to restart, relaunch, or reboot their lives. You may doubt their sincerity, their dedication, or their grasp on reality, but you’re not in charge of their story arcs. For whatever reason, they’ve decided their “series” needs to begin again from scratch. Some of them aren’t so sure about what they’re doing, but they firmly believe the results will justify the scheme. Some of them will be wrong, but it’s possible a few of them may be on to something.

What if they’re right? What if it works and they win? Can you steal their idea after the fact and hope no one notices? And how can tell when it’s your turn to end your current numbering and start over from #1? Check your life for one or more of the following warning signs:

* Situations and struggles have become so predictable, what once took you twenty-two minutes to solve now takes only two.

* The world around you seems poorly drawn, as if the architect of your universe is distracted and rushing to get each day over with.

* Every other day you’re butting heads with the same arch-nemesis again and again and again, as if there’s nothing better for you to do.

* Your best friends nag you about how your life has become too boring to follow, and keep writing long essays about how they’d make your life 100 times better if they were in charge.

* Your last few decades’ worth of continuity have become so convoluted that you now have multiple conflicting memories of singular events, all impossible to reconcile with each other.

* You find yourself saddled against your will with one or more lame, whiny sidekicks.

* You have a tiny, hardcore group of supporters who think you’re winning at life, but deep down you wish you could sacrifice them all, sell out, and appeal to a much wider, younger, shallower, less discerning audience instead.

* Everyone else around you is doing it, and hopping on bandwagons is cool.

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WordPress.com Magic Elves Offer Colorful Second Opinion of My 2012

January 1, 2013 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 11 Comments

Important part first: Happy New Year’s to one and all!

Here’s hoping 2013 will be Best Year Ever for all of you, whether you’re planning to expand on your 2012 achievements and victories, secretly wishing for a complete do-over, or were born within the past hour and have no basis for comparison.

Since most readers are either partying or recovering (depending on how soon this is being read), I’ve allowed myself to relax a little more than usual tonight, spending more time with family than with keyboard. It’s my understanding that correcting this imbalance at least three or four days per year is strongly recommended by most of my relatives, biased though they are. That meant less time for writing and more for board games, but in my mind it’s an exchange more than fair, even though my wife and son refused to let me unleash our Scrabble set and trounce them both just once.

In lieu of an overlong piece about New Year’s resolutions (expect something along those lines tomorrow, because of worldwide mandatory blogging bylaws), the following Very Special Report is provided as a treat for my fellow blog stat junkies, or for fans of cute animated fireworks.

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 3 of 3: Live from Super Bowl Village

December 28, 2012 By in Indiana, Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

For those just joining us: today concludes the three-part landmark miniseries that chronicles my few feeble forays into the world of video. Not one of these three videos is a crowning achievement; they’re the aesthetic equivalent of lower-tier DVD extras. It’s no coincidence that the sharing of this humbling collection coincides with one of the Internet’s traditionally quietest weeks of the year. Those brash young YouTube stars make it look so simple, but not all of us have the knack for that art form.

In Part One, we watched Chinese acrobats from the sidelines. In Part Two, we watched the award-non-winning live-action short film “Bear on Scooter”. In Part Three, I move from behind the camera to glorious center stage.

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 2 of 3: Bear on Scooter

December 27, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

In our previous precarious episode, the balancing bedazzlement of Chinese acrobats was the first humble example of my limited, sub-amateur experiences in the video medium.

One year later, at the 2010 Indiana State Fair I was stricken a second time by the impulse to test-drive my camera’s modest video function while watching live-action entertainment, just to see what would happen. I vaguely recalled a couple of mistakes not to repeat. This time we had front-facing seats; I kept the running time under a minute; and I found an odder subject.

With no schooling or forethought I created a modern masterpiece of bravery and stunt work, never to be duplicated or understood by rival artistes. The juxtaposition of a formidable force of nature with an understated man-made artifact examines the stark contrast between our attempts to navigate our world and nature’s cold-hearted insistence on denying the fundamental superiority of manifest destiny. On a deeper psychological level, the uneasy alliance between the avatars of ferocity and technology is an exemplary illustration of that innate contradiction known as the duality of man.

My thirty-nine-second magnum opus is called “Bear on Scooter”:

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My Complete Video Oeuvre, Part 1 of 3: the Chinese Acrobats

December 26, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Some people are skilled with video cameras. Some are talented in front of cameras. Those who lack proper training for either side will see their amateur attempts at moving pictures yield mixed results. This three-part miniseries will clarify for the record why I’m not a vlogger, even though nobody asked.

I’ve never owned a dedicated video camera in my life, never even held or operated someone else’s. My camera has a video function, but it wasn’t a consideration when I bought it because I’ve never been a fan of home movies. I was under the impression that the average camera owner dedicates its use largely to birthday parties, Christmas Day in the living room, and grade-school recitals starring children who aren’t mine. Perhaps other families turn their gatherings into elaborate stage productions, complete with musical numbers and action scenes worth immortalizing for future generations. Our family, not so much. We’re big on photos, but minimalist on real-time recordings.

One sweltering August day at the 2009 Indiana State Fair, I was struck by one of my frequent random whims that always start with the question, “What happens when I do this?” My wife and I had been enjoying the fairground attractions and decided to sample one of the live entertainment options, a troupe of Chinese acrobats who were appearing gratis and weren’t prefaced with stringent disclaimers forbidding A/V recording devices. Just for fun, I decided to see what would happen if I tried filming them instead of merely photographing them, using the camera feature I’d never accessed before.

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What Christmas is All About: an Imaginary Dramatic Reading

December 24, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , 3 Comments

As a gift to loyal Midlife Crisis Crossover readers, allow me to perform a simple act of kindness: my shortest post of the month. If I put my mind to it, I’m sure I could plan a 300-word post about What Christmas Is All About and watch it spiral out of control past the 1500-word mark…or I could acknowledge the hectic week before me and refrain from siphoning too much of your free time.

Pardon me while I step back and defer instead to a famous TV soliloquy, a more wizened reading voice, and a face that launched a thousand viral placards:

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A Scorecard for Judging Your Christmas Gifts

December 23, 2012 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Christmas currencyImagine the following scenario:

Your friends and/or family gather for the holidays. After a shared meal and perhaps some conversation, a large table is cleared and everyone sits around it. Each person lays a twenty-dollar bill on the table. At the host’s signal, each person moves their bill toward the person on their left. Everyone then takes the bill passed to them from their right.

Congratulations! Your friends and/or family have just celebrated an efficient, low-impact, bloodless Christmas, bereft of personal touch or recognition.

I realize gifts aren’t the reason for the season. I know I’m at an age when I should be less excited about what I might be getting for Christmas and more excited about the spiritual and emotional aspects. I’m lamentably aware that the person who buys me the best gifts is myself, because I know me best and I don’t limit my self-gift-giving to just Christmastime.

And yet…when I buy gifts for other people, I try to brainstorm ideas for the loved one in question with a modicum of creativity. I don’t always succeed, but I do try. The act of gift-giving itself can, for better or worse, reveal how well you know a person, how much of an effort you think they’re worth, and how imaginatively you can apply your problem-solving skills to such a task.

Obvious moral disclaimer: judging the gifts you’ve been given is frequently not cool. However, in my weaker moments, it’s not hard for the darker part of my subconscious to observe something I’ve just unwrapped and begin running background calculations to ascertain how much or how little thought or care went into the exchange.

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A Few of My Favorite Apocalypses

December 23, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Roland Emmerich's "2012"Remember that time when the world ended on December 21st? And before that on January 1, 2000, at the hands of the Y2K bugaboo? And before that in 1994 as Nostradamus predicted in The Man Who Saw Tomorrow? Neither do I. As the humble survivor of at least three documented ends of the world, I count my blessings and try not to take the failures of those premature endtimes for granted.

In honor of Earth living to rotate another day, I present this cursory clipfest of a few of the most memorable incidents in which someone or something threatened to end or merely ruin life on Earth as we know it. In some cases the day was saved thanks to some meddling kids; in other cases, Earth lost and the survivors pressed on because life had to find a new way. At the bottom are a few provisional inclusions — two stories I haven’t seen through to their conclusions, and two stories I could’ve lived without knowing.

(This list is clearly far from all-inclusive. Beyond what I’m forgetting or dismissing, I’m also setting aside the most famous of all, the one that will end with the Lord’s victory, because of obvious Hall of Fame status. Unfair competition, you see.)

On with the countdown, preferably timed with a red digital readout:

* Falling Skies — If the War of the Worlds Martians had better immune systems, even in victory they’d still have to reckon with the uppity spiritual descendants of America’s founding fathers. As led by the earnest but damaged Noah Wyle and Armageddon survivor Will Patton, the Second Mass is more organized and logical than Revolution, more hope-filled and less defeatist than The Walking Dead, and a lot less canceled than FlashForward.

* 2012 — Not the year itself, but the arguably greatest film of Roland Emmerich’s career has better effects than Godzilla, less jingoism than Independence Day, and higher-quality schmaltz than The Day After Tomorrow. Add in a histrionic John Cusack, a self-parodying Woody Harrelson, and a mandatory impassionate speech at the end delivered by Serenity‘s amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor. With these key components, Emmerich finally nailed the formula he’d striven for years to perfect.

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“Freshly Pressed” Post Saves Earth, Foils Millennia-Old Mayan Armageddon Scheme

December 21, 2012 By in Meta Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Tomazooma

If there were a Mayan Galactus, he would dress exactly like Tomazooma.

One of the first things I noticed when I woke up December 21, 2012, is that I woke up December 21, 2012, a day that The Powerless Who Wish They Were The Powers That Be duly notified us years in advance would not exist. In direct defiance of this premonition, there I was, groggy, breathing, existent, and hearing my wife out in the living room yelling at our dog. None of these things could possibly be happening. Pundits had told me so.

Clearly someone had meddled in the long-term machinations of those pesky Mayans. Who could have saved the day, and all the days after it? Did God smite them? Was their forbidden stronghold located and smashed to pieces by a South American super-hero team? Did a suspicious policeman stumble upon their ringleaders and call in reinforcements? Did their primitive doomsday device slip a cog? Or did their sleeper agents forget to set their alarm clocks for the right time to rise up and decimate?

I was clueless. My mostly ordinary work day failed to shed any light or unearth new evidence to this mystery…for the first half of the day, anyway. At lunchtime I found my answer.

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The Songs That Sweeten My Christmas Spirit

December 20, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , 8 Comments

A Charlie Brown ChristmasConsider this list an overdue companion piece to my previous entry, “The Songs That Sour My Christmas Spirit“, in which I griped at length about lumps of audio coal guaranteed never to appear on my personal Christmas playlist. Let it not be said that my only thoughts on the subject are entirely negative, though. There, I tooketh away; here, I giveth.

The songs of the season that catch my ear, lift my spirit, and chase away the holiday errand-running blues, include but are hardly limited to the following, in no particular order:

* * * * *

* Dido, “Christmas Day“ — I’m not usually a fan of love songs, but I like the ethereal vocals, dreamlike gait, touches of electronica, and the lyrical tale of an anticipated traveler that may or may not be romantic.

* Anyone who cares to sing it, “The First Noel“ — I’ve been partial to this tune ever since I sang it solo in my school’s Christmas program in sixth grade. As I’ve aged and my spiritual outlook has metamorphosed since then, it’s taken on deeper level of meanings for me. Of all the Christmas songs we learned in school, it arguably receives the least radio airplay and is seldom covered by today’s artists. I’m sad when a song I like is never played, but I appreciate it when it’s not overplayed. For some songs that’s a tough middle ground to find. (I’m looking in your direction, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”.)

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Morgan Freeman Photos Convey Authority, Win Debates, Certify Anything as Gold

December 17, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Morgan FreemanDuring the solemn, lamentable weekend following last Friday’s senseless tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, Facebook users who were already struggling with their own reactions, the reactions of their friends, and the fights breaking out between friends of conflicting reactions all found themselves interrupted dozens of times over the course of the weekend by the reassuring face of Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman, perceived as one of the kindliest, most grandfatherly figures in all of Hollywood. His face was attached to a short essay decrying the culpability of mass media in encouraging too many broken young men to become power-tripping mass murderers because of the seedy allure of posthumous headlines and ten minutes of front-page infamy. Few would argue with the content of the well-meaning essay, but this wasn’t just any old essay written by an ostensibly intelligent typist. This was an essay attached to a photo of Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman.

Somehow the photo imbued those words with a godlike acumen that transcended all racial, economic, and spiritual barriers. Within seconds one out of every one-and-a-half Facebook users was forwarding the words and picture to everyone in striking distance under the assumption that they naturally had something to do with each other. No need for fact-checking, no verifying sources, no asking why Freeman would release a public statement as if he’s an official White House spokesman — someone they knew forwarded it to them, so it had to be true.

What you saw probably resembled this, except more professionally cobbled together and without my modified attribution:

Morgan Freeman Fraud Sample

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The Parable of the Little Reindeer Candle

December 14, 2012 By in Meta, Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Once upon a time, there was a cute little reindeer candle. I have no idea who gave him to us or on which Christmas, but we accepted him with open arms into our diverse family of Christmas decorations. Unlike other reindeer, he was white and chubby, but no one made cruel albino jokes or excluded him from reindeer games. If anything, he reminded me of me. Like many other candles, he was made of wax and topped with a fuse. Perhaps he was made to chase away the dark, but to us he was too cute and innocuous to light up.

When I retrieved our Christmas decorations from the attic last week, during the unpacking phase I discovered to my dismay that the attic’s complete lack of environmental controls had taken an unkind toll on the little reindeer candle. The summer heat had jump-started the melting process, no open flame required. His hooves and horns were now deformed. A homemade yarn-and-popsicle-stick from someone’s childhood had melded with his poor, softened, formerly rotund face. I yanked it off as delicately as I could, but several strands and dog hairs were stuck fast, leaving him with a scraggly, patchy, mountain-man countenance. He didn’t look very happy to be rescued.

Little Reindeer Candle

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The Time-Honored Family Tradition of the Overwhelming Christmas To-Do List

December 13, 2012 By in Mundane Tags: , , , , , , , 7 Comments

christmas tree 2012

“Family Christmas Tree” side quest — status: Completed!

Once again the busiest month of the year demands more of our free time than any other holiday. Given its significance to our family, that’s not entirely unjustified, but we struggle just the same to strike a balance between Christmas activities, usual mandatory chores, everyday downtime, and time-sensitive fun options that have the misfortune of being scheduled in December. I’m usually plagued by to-do lists year-round as it is, but Christmastime never fails to send me into sudden-death double overtime to accomplish all the requirements and expected acts of cheer.

(I’m sure my wife’s to-do list is twice as long as mine, but she’ll be fine because she’s more magical than Santa.)

I’m shockingly ahead of schedule this year. My scorecard so far:

COMPLETED TASKS:

* Put up Christmas tree and indoor decorations. I refuse to retrieve our Christmas decorations from our attic until after Thanksgiving is over. That’s partly because I believe in celebrating a maximum of one (1) holiday at a time. That’s also partly because I hate going up in the attic. It’s cramped and uncomfortable and the door is hard to access and there are harmful pointy nails everywhere. I call it “the Danger Room”. But it has to be done within a week of Thanksgiving or else I suffer my wife’s adorable Christmas-loving wrath. The enclosed photo evidence confirms Christmas tree is go; we have themed wreaths and other Christmas knickknacks in place; and Christmas dinnerware is now in effect for extra credit.

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The Songs That Sour My Christmas Spirit

December 7, 2012 By in Misc. Media Tags: , , , , , , , 11 Comments

Home Alone Christmas

Detail from the worst Christmas CD cover in my collection. What’s wrong with poor Kevin’s face?

For those stricken annually by some measure of Christmas cheer, we all have our favorite songs for the occasion. I’ve always been partial to “The First Noel”, which is followed by a long list of other classics and obscurities, both hymnal and secular. For my wife, I’m 95% certain “O Holy Night” wins the prize. (If I’m wrong, I’m sure I’ll learn the error of my ways shortly. Updates as they occur.)

When (at least) one of our local radio stations switches to a 24/7 Christmas format in late November, their limited playlist includes a handful of tracks I don’t mind hearing more than once throughout the month-long seasonal commercialization. However, since I’m not their primary listener, they’re also prone to spinning several holiday staples that I wouldn’t miss if they disappeared from heavy rotation forever:

* Eartha Kitt, “Santa Baby” — The first few hundred times I heard this ostensible satire of trophy-wife Christmas greed, I thought it was recorded during an earlier era when pining for material wealth was acceptable in pop music, decades before today’s top-40 artists dedicated entire careers to the subject. Perhaps the line about the platinum mine should have tipped me off sooner to the true nature of Kitt’s unreliable narrator, but how was I supposed to know that our ancestors didn’t really consider platinum mines a must-have? I’ve resented the song ever since for making me think too hard about something so shallow. I’m marginally more tolerant of Madonna’s cover because her Betty Boop impression better suits the satirical bent. I’m not sure what to think of the Everclear cover that transforms the narrator into a spoiled-rotten upper-class gay man.

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