The Days Are Saved, Thanks to Scrapbooking!

Short entry because I’ve spent much of the night immersed in one of these:

Scrapbook!

For preserving our family’s experiences, I have my writing and my wife has her scrapbooks. When my memories falter, her photo spreads help jump-start the recovery process for those old, lost anecdotes. She’s been assembling these for years and years, building up quite the family library. Vacations, conventions, special one-time outings, random notable occasions, family holidays — if we did something besides work, sleep, eat, or stare at screens, she’s scrapbooked it.

I’ve delved into this one tonight to retrieve several old 35mm photos from our 2006 vacation for future use. A few were previously scanned, but not all of them. It’s so weird looking back at my son, tall for an 11-year-old yet far from his adult height; my wife, timeless as always; and me, the year after my diet. And many of the shots with her 35mm camera looked better than the results from the frustrating digital camera I had at the time. Quite unfair. So I’ve been scanning and scanning and scanning and scanning the night away and I’m really, really tired of staring at the scanner and waiting for the platen elves to hurry and make with the magical uploading.

Sometimes we’ll share her scrapbooks with friends, walk them through with tag-team narration. For the most part, they’re for our own future use, especially for revisiting in those golden years (so to speak) when individual tales begin to blur, vital details vanish, names become scrambled, and punchlines lose their impact. If either of us are stricken with one of the worst-case-scenario kinds of conditions, the ones that pulverize mental faculties and effectively sever any connections to prized talents and qualities, I want these scrapbooks right beside us as our reminders, as our life-savers, as our virtual tour guides to ourselves, imbued with all that we were and all that we meant.

The above pictures-in-picture are from a small-town Wizard of Oz festival we attended in 2006, a cavalcade of Oz cosplay, surviving Munchkin actors, arts-‘n’-crafts booths, and general whimsy. One day we ought to share that story, but I kept it in reserve for a few reasons, none of them personal. When the time is right and the story yearns to be told, either to ourselves or to others, the scrapbook will be waiting.

Are You Ready for “Take Your Dog to Work Day” 2014? Not Us.

Vulture Dog.

Remember those old Peanuts strips where Snoopy impersonated a vulture? Based on a true story.

That’s right, kids! Friday, June 20, 2014, sees the return of Take Your Dog to Work Day, that annual festivity in which lovers of pets and pet-shaped things invite their trusty companions into the workplace and spend eight to ten more hours with them than usual. It can be a wondrous bonding experience, a welcome break in your routine, and a fun opportunity to talk about the joys of pet ownership to other lonely souls who have neither pets nor joy. I’m sure Take Your Dog to Work Day is already marked on your Garfield calendar and my gentle reminder is superfluous, but I’d hate to see anyone miss out and waking up kicking themselves on the 21st.

…wait, no, actually, I’ve never heard of it.

I don’t think we’re gonna be ready in time…

“Breakfast Supper Nights”: a Tribute to EXTRA Breakfast for Dinner

Breakfast for dinner!

Behold one of the greatest pleasures of my work month: that very special occasion known as “breakfast for dinner”, or in some circles “breakfast for supper”. Always consult your local linguist for proper lingo before discussing cool things.

Tonight was that night for us, a bit of perfect timing for me since I’d had salad for lunch. Don’t get me wrong: fine salad, varied ingredients, fresh quality, but it only whets the appetite through part of the afternoon. Come three p.m. I’m already scrounging through my desk for emergency cheese-‘n’-crackers or stale chips left over from previous months’ birthday pitch-ins. But the premature hunger pangs are worth it if you know there’ll be a feast waiting for you when you eventually get home once you’re done working too much overtime yet again. Thankfully my wife has taken to making each breakfast-for-supper event an extra hearty meal — extra scrambled eggs, extra bacon, just extra, extra, extra. She’s stellar that way.

If you don’t get the magic of the whole “breakfast for dinner” concept, there’s not much I could do to persuade you. Either your eyes sparkle when it happens or they don’t. All I can tell you is it’s the kind of meal that puts a song in a man’s heart.

In fact, I think I feel a song coming on right now…

Every Father’s Day is a Fixed Point in Time

Father and SonThe photo at left was taken by my mom back in 2002. The original is surely stuck inside one of her many photo albums. All I have is this poorly scanned, cropped version that I once used as my LiveJournal profile pic. My son was seven, maybe eight years old. To this day it’s one of my favorite pics of the two of us, despite the distance and the low-res haze. Something about our shadowy faces and that sunbeam between us strikes a certain poignancy for me.

Like most all-purpose bloggers, I’ve written about various holidays at length in the past. Father’s Day is one of those for which I wish I could present you with something warm, fuzzy, life-affirming, and role-model-ish. Truth is, he and I play the day so low-key that I imagine some relatives probably worry about us. He’s not the most expressive or enthusiastic when it comes to holidays, family gatherings, or mushy moments, and I’m not one to force hugs and pleasantries from others. That’s my wife’s zealous area of expertise.

For us Father’s Day typically means dining out, doing something fun together (either video games or a movie, typically), and calling it a day. He’s now living up at college year-round, but this year’s get-together will look similar, a benign combination of food and entertainment. I love him and I always look forward to spending time with him, but cards and presents aren’t a part of the process. I wouldn’t turn down free stuff if he offered it, but I’m not the kind of Dudley Dursley to demand it.

As for how my Father’s Days work in the other direction…

Science Fiction is Our Most Realistic Defense Against Random Shooters

Candle.Headlines today informed Portland, Oregon, they were the next unfortunate recipient of a tragic American public shooting incident. You can dive into Twitter, Facebook, or any other corner of the internet where people with human emotions dwell and witness a diverse cross-section of reactions: horror, terror, outrage, lamentation, grief, et al. There are other corners where you can pull quotes from those who bask in inhuman emotions, but there’s no healthy reason for that.

Sadly, stories about shootings are commanding so many front pages and conversations, as much from frequency as from simple impact, that we’re seeing numbness and moral surrender joining the social-media chorus in increasing numbers. I’m a proponent of directed prayer myself because I firmly believe that many things are parsecs beyond my control, but when it comes to talking preventatives or cures or root causes or coping mechanisms with others of differing beliefs, I fear the internet in general may soon run out of eloquence on the subject. How many more ways can we express indignation, extend comfort, and proffer wisdom over the same kind of event over and over again? Could we reach a point of having to reuse the same sentiments every time it comes up? At the rate we’re covering this same ground at length, I won’t be surprised to see Hallmark mining everyone’s retweets and reblogs for material to reuse in a new line of shootings-specific sympathy cards.

So what can we do?

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Thoughts That Never Occurred to Me During My Lonely “Nice Guy” Years

Yearbook signature, Class of Long Ago.

Sample message from a classmate written in one of my old yearbooks. Somehow I read platonic well-wishing like this and did not convince myself they were subliminally asking me to ravish them.

I’ve never understood normal men, let alone the broken ones. Let’s get that out of the way up front.

Maybe it’s because I read the right books and lucked into the right role models. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have a sufficiently damaged home life. Maybe I’m lucky that my father wasn’t an active part of my life. Maybe it’s a good thing I never kept too many macho friends for long, or belonged to any particularly masculine cliques. Maybe it’s because I figured out a way for logic and empathy to share harmonic coexistence in my brain. I’m funny that way, maybe.

My first date wasn’t till age 19. My age at the time of you-know-what was years beyond that. In junior high and high school, I never bothered asking any girls out. I knew my odds were slim for a variety of reasons, some but not all of them related to appearance. I wasn’t happy with it. I had my bouts of depression and crushed self-esteem. Eighth grade in particular remains a mental and emotional nadir in my life. I couldn’t figure a way out of it on my own, other than to hope that “This, too, shall pass” would apply to my situation someday before I died.

And yet…for all my dissatisfaction with my lot in life back then, for all my innocuous interactions with the ladies in my young-stupid-male years, none of the following sentences ever popped into my head:

* “That girl was nice to me. I expect sex from her now.”
* “The world owes me a chick.”
* “I know I’m perfect, so it’s clearly not my fault.”
* “Top-40 songs about love and sex are most wise.”
* “Maybe if I insult all women a lot, one will step forward and claim me.”
* “The world owes me a hot chick.”
* “Without sex I’m nothing.”
* “Women love a guy who’s bitter and snarling.”
* “Killing will solve anything.”

…and I’m grateful to the Lord every day that I never adopted anything from this list as my personal catchphrase.

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Farewell, My Creepy-Looking But Beloved Childhood Home

childhood home, moving out

Last night around 12:30 in the morning was the last time I’ll ever step foot in the home where I grew up. After forty-one years my mother finally made the tough decision to downscale to a smaller, more affordable place for the sake of long-term retirement planning and easier living space management.

My wife, my son, and I spent six hours Saturday helping her pack and fifteen hours Sunday helping her move. With just the four of us working on it, and with her unable to lift anything heavier than a bag of groceries, it was extremely slow going. By the time I called it a night around 1 a.m., I could hardly stand to look at my old bedroom anymore. That was partly because I was tired of being there, partly because I was just plain tired, and partly because by the time we hollowed it out…well, as my son put it while we stood there surveying the room one last time, it looked like the set of a disturbing horror film.

This way for memories and such…

Our Mother’s Day Suburban Archaeology Project

encyclopedias

Behold the encyclopedia that time forgot!

What we have here is a complete, 29-volume set of the 1983 Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedia. This product was sold through Marsh Supermarkets to discerning shoppers at the rate of one new volume every week until their collection was complete and informational victory was achieved. For a little extra you could buy single companion volumes such as a medical encyclopedia, a legal encyclopedia, and the Funk & Wagnalls Hammond World Atlas in case you wanted to see all of the USSR or learn what kind of currency was used in Zaire.

Up until a couple weeks ago, my mom still had all twenty-nine volumes on her shelf, thirty years after the original purchase. Just in case.

This way for more about our weekend plans…

The Three Best Quote-Unquote “Recipes” in My Repertoire

homemade chili

Your opinions about The Way Chili Should Be will vary. All I can tell you is my wife and son are fans of this version.

This is not now, nor will it ever be, a home cooking blog. I don’t mind cobbling together the occasional recipe, but I rarely have the patience or attention span to work with the kind of recipe that requires twenty-plus ingredients, some of which I can’t pronounce. Also, my wife does most of the cooking because she works less overtime than I do. In those select moments when I’m motivated and free to cook, three dishes are requested more often than any other. They’re not complicated compared to the average recipe, they’re not fancy, and they’re definitely not healthy, but they’re each a part of simple old me.

Please note: many of you are much better cooks than I am. Many of you will and should turn your nose up at these because of your vastly superior culinary skills. I’m not mocking you; I’m acknowledging your advanced knowledge in this field with utmost sincerity. I was in the fast-food industry for twelve years and developed above-average skills suitable for a fast-paced mass-production grill area, but that career path dead-ended thirteen years ago. Since that time, I’ve done the best I can with the fading talents, remaining free time, and affordable ingredients allotted to me.

(If you want to see me cooking something truly terrible, I’d be happy to share the nightmare fodder from several low-carb cookbooks I resorted to during my 2004-2005 diet. You haven’t known gastronomic misery until you’ve had a sugar-free dessert baked in a crust made from vanilla whey protein powder.)

This way for the secrets of my kitchen! What few there are!

My Bible is Ruined but Nobody Wants to Hear Me Whine About It

coffee damaged Bible

I bet the Ninevites brought drinks to church, too. It would be just like them.

See this? Do you SEE THIS?

Few things strike dismay and disgust more viciously in the heart of a bibliophile than the sight of a water-damaged book. The original paper texture is lost. Your book will never close satisfyingly again. The pages make that unnerving tissue-paper sound when you turn them. In extreme cases the ink will run and turn sentences illegible and information irretrievable. If it’s a “classic” book in any sense, any hope you might’ve had of reselling it at collectors’ prices in the future are dashed.

The worst part of this incident is, this wasn’t even my coffee. In an auditorium with stadium seating and no carpeting under the seats, someone else’s morning java escaped them, flowed down to our row, and soaked the back of the laminated folder I’d left on the floor. The folder itself was fine but secretly had coffee adhering to it when I picked it up and set it on my open Bible so I could remove something from it. When I tried to move the folder, then I spotted the coffee, the runoff on the floor, and the damage done.

If you’re like me, and I know I am, this sort of accident spurs a vindictive little voice in the back of your head that wants everyone to know something inconvenient has happened and someone better do some mollifying or else it won’t shut up. But who was I supposed to complain to?

This way for an example of how a snit-fit can turn any writer into an unreliable narrator…

I’m Told Flowers are Still Pretty

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Twice per year my wife and I escort her grandmother to one of two special events at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. Each November we visit the Indiana Christmas Gift and Hobby Show. Each March the highlight of her month is the Indiana Flower & Patio Show, which features numerous displays of colorful flora, booths where gardeners and homeowners can peruse and pick out their new seeds, plants, implements, and accoutrements for tending and cultivating their yards in the forthcoming spring and summer. Assorted horticulturists and lawn care companies show off bouquets, sample gardens, and ostentatious flowers you’ll wish you owned.

It’s that time of year again! Today we three traipsed around the fairgrounds and gazed upon tiny, fragile parts of God’s creation, manifest through the works of people with much greener thumbs than ours.

red flower, Indiana Flower and Patio Show, Indianapolis

This way for more flowers, harbingers of winter’s demise!

“O Candy Hearts”: Valentine’s Day Carol #1

Sally Brown, Linus Van Pelt, Peanuts

It’s Valentine’s Day once again! That special day of the year when sweeties are sweeter on each other than their normal level of sweet, sugary sweetness. That controversial day when Hallmark brings out the best and the worst in your local internet users. That long-standing tradition that inspires fun cartoons, bad movies, and a pointless sequel in Sweethearts Day.

And yet, there are no Valentine’s Day carols. The level-headed among you might think, “Silly typing guy! Every love song is a Valentine’s Day carol!” I’m reminded of that classic anecdote in which kids burdened by the twin responsibilities of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day ask when their mythical Kids’ Day might be, but are rebuffed with the hollow promise that “Every day is Kids’ Day!” No self-respecting kid buys this answer for a second. Otherwise they’d be swimming in 365 new Kids’ Day presents every year. Remember, they’re younger than you, but they can still do math.

Anyway. My point is, unless they contain direct allusions to the day and/or its trappings, love songs are not automatically Valentine carols. To fill that entertainment void, please enjoy this meager initial foray into this brave new subgenre, just to get the ball rolling for all of America. Hopefully enough songwriting hermits are inspired by my sterling example to emerge from hiding, add their voices to the mix, and someday accumulate enough of a Valentine’s Day song catalog to warrant a compilation album that generates perennial royalties for all of us so we can retire early.

Even if we don’t reach that goal this year, have a Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!

This way for that crazy new holiday tune all the kids will be digging!

How I’ve Spent Too Much of This Winter

old man selfie

(In our family my wife’s usually in charge of selfies, but since WordPress asked nicely, I figured one indulgence couldn’t hurt.)

Of all the fruits of the spirit, patience has been more of a struggle for me in recent weeks than any other.

Yey winter driving…

Snowfall Burnout

Snowpocalypse 2014, Indiana

Next person caught singing “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” gets mugged.

Snowpocalypse 2014 continues to overstay its welcome…

Empty Nest Update #3: Handling Our First School Shooting

Purdue shooting black ribbon, 1/14/2014

For Andrew Boldt and family. Our prayers and thoughts are with them tonight.

Today during the course of one of our usual workday back-‘n’-forth email volleys, I thought it odd when my wife sent me another, separate email with a new title: “Purdue Shooting”. She knew she’d have my full attention.

Within the same minute that I opened her email, my son the Purdue freshman texted me. In case I heard about a shooting at Purdue, he wrote, he wanted me to know he was fine, even though he’d been in the same building where and when the shooting occurred.

That disrupted my concentration for a while.

In case you missed the news…

Like a Bubble in a Snowstorm

bubbles, snow

Photo by my wife, who was nice enough not to call me crazy to my face during our windblown photo shoot.

You can blow bubbles outside even while it’s snowing. Sure, the wind will whip most of them away at top speed before you can lay eyes on them. A few will be punctured in the cold, fuzzy onslaught. That’s assuming you can stay focused and aim your breath through the target despite Old Man Winter’s war on you and your foolish notion.

With the right combination of persistence and timing, your Sisyphean efforts will produce a few shimmering, fragile globes, floating in the narrow space between obstacles. For scant seconds, you can enjoy your tiny, beautiful creation and derive a little joy from it.

What brought this on…

One Good Thing to Come Out of the “Bridgegate” Scandal

Chris Christie, New JerseyFor those just catching up on the week in headline news: Republican politician Chris Christie, currently governor of New Jersey but intermittently mentioned in hushed tones among optimistic rank-‘n’-file as a possible party savior in the 2016 Presidential race, has been accused of directing his subordinates to pull transportation strings and create a four-day traffic snarl where the George Washington Bridge connects Manhattan to the New Jersey town of Fort Lee, allegedly because its mayor hadn’t fallen in lockstep with his party colleagues and publicly endorsed Christie’s future endeavors.

Or something like that. I’ve missed some finer details. Political stories don’t stick with me for long. (When I first began noticing heated debates in my circles about Benghazi, my only reaction was, “Is that Ian MacKaye’s new band?”) Bridgegate was unusual enough and filled with enough bipartisan hot-button issues — political extortion, abuse of power, petty vengeance — that I finally relented and read an article or two about it. At this point it’s now all about denials, apologies, firings, and now I’m seeing the word “subpoena” creeping onto the battlefield. I imagine this brouhaha is only in its infancy and in no danger of falling off the main page anytime soon.

I am grateful for one noticeable change that’s a direct result of Bridgegate: over the past two days, whenever internet users were overwhelmed with the urge to take potshots at Christie, the jokes were no longer about his weight.

The following has zero to do with politics…

After the Blizzard, Sliced Bread Will Be the New World’s Currency

grocery bread aisle blizzard conditions doomsday prepOur local weather forecasts are calling for massive snowfall this Sunday. Depending on who you believe and how much you exaggerate when you pass the word along, by Monday evening we should expect anywhere from six inches to fifteen feet. Midwest meteorology is an inexact science in that respect.

One result you can count on with demonstrable exactitude: if a TV weatherman so much as whispers the word “snow” as if it’s Today’s Secret Word, viewers will drop everything they’re doing, shove aside their loved ones, drive to the nearest grocery, and buy all the bread they can carry. Without knowing whether the coming storm will produce a mild drizzle or The Day After Tomorrow, the better-safe-than-sorry motto of the doomsday-prepping majority dictates that everyone err on the side of caution and hoarding.

Why bread? Great question…

If You’re Gonna Fail at New Year’s Resolutions, Fail BIG

personal reboot, relaunch, restart

All the typing in this entry is new, but my MS Paint gag is a rerun from last year, not unlike the average person’s New Year’s resolutions.

It’s January 1st once more, which means it’s time to reinvent your entire life from scratch yet again. Gone are those halcyon days when people awoke on New Year’s Day, looked in the mirror, and thought to themselves, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” Alas, this holiday dispels contentment, disregards recent successes, assumes the worst in you, and demands you rethink your life now. Not on February 14th or June 22nd, or some random day in otherwise meaningless August, but now, because federal law mandates that Things can only begin on January 1st.

I’ve never been great with New Year’s resolutions. I can’t think of the last one I ever even chose, let alone the last time I actually attained one. Though we see renewal symbolized in the rough annual transition from Father Time and his 365-day reign of terror to Baby New Year and his inevitable future letdown, beginning my personal transitions on a meaningful date has never worked for me. My most successful diet began on a July 5th. I proposed to my wife on December 26th. I was baptized on the Sunday after a Thanksgiving. My first comic book was given to me sometime in a December. I had to start wearing glasses one nameless summer month. The forces of change laugh at our puny human concept of calendars.

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Holiday Snacktime Overload

chocolate chip cookies, Christmas leftovers

Behold our leftover cookies as of today. Most of these will be shared with others in the days ahead. This photo would look a lot more appetizing to me if I hadn’t just spent the last seven celebratory days enjoying sugar as an integral ingredient of every other meal.

This way to snacks, glorious snacks…