“O Candy Hearts”: Valentine’s Day Carol #1

Sally Brown, Linus Van Pelt, Peanuts

It’s Valentine’s Day once again! That special day of the year when sweeties are sweeter on each other than their normal level of sweet, sugary sweetness. That controversial day when Hallmark brings out the best and the worst in your local internet users. That long-standing tradition that inspires fun cartoons, bad movies, and a pointless sequel in Sweethearts Day.

And yet, there are no Valentine’s Day carols. The level-headed among you might think, “Silly typing guy! Every love song is a Valentine’s Day carol!” I’m reminded of that classic anecdote in which kids burdened by the twin responsibilities of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day ask when their mythical Kids’ Day might be, but are rebuffed with the hollow promise that “Every day is Kids’ Day!” No self-respecting kid buys this answer for a second. Otherwise they’d be swimming in 365 new Kids’ Day presents every year. Remember, they’re younger than you, but they can still do math.

Anyway. My point is, unless they contain direct allusions to the day and/or its trappings, love songs are not automatically Valentine carols. To fill that entertainment void, please enjoy this meager initial foray into this brave new subgenre, just to get the ball rolling for all of America. Hopefully enough songwriting hermits are inspired by my sterling example to emerge from hiding, add their voices to the mix, and someday accumulate enough of a Valentine’s Day song catalog to warrant a compilation album that generates perennial royalties for all of us so we can retire early.

Even if we don’t reach that goal this year, have a Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!

O Candy Hearts

O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your pithy words amuse us!
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your pithy words amuse us!
Your mottoes carved in stone that’s pink
You always say what we should think
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your pithy words amuse us!

O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your blurbs are so endearing!
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your blurbs are so endearing!
Your sage advice might win me dates
You’re just as wise as old So-Krayts
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your blurbs are so endearing!

O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your sugar tastes so tangy!
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your sugar tastes so tangy!
You touch my soul like violin
I think I need my insulin
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
Your sugar tastes so tangy!

O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
I bought a pound last-minute!
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
I bought a pound last-minute!
The gift that says “I’m a cheapskate
And they were out of choc-o-late”
O Candy Hearts, O Candy Hearts,
I bought a pound last-minute!

[Lyrics © 2014 Randall A. Golden. All rights reserved. Royalties welcome.]

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About Randall A. Golden
Hoosier since birth, geek since age 6, father at 22, Christian at 30; launched Midlife Crisis Crossover at 39. Full-time service rep; part-time internet contributor; former message board admin; inhabits Twitter as @RandallGolden. Views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of any other corporation, being, or party line.

One Response to “O Candy Hearts”: Valentine’s Day Carol #1

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