This is not now, nor will it ever be, a home cooking blog. I don’t mind cobbling together the occasional recipe, but I rarely have the patience or attention span to work with the kind of recipe that requires twenty-plus ingredients, some of which I can’t pronounce. Also, my wife does most of the cooking because she works less overtime than I do. In those select moments when I’m motivated and free to cook, three dishes are requested more often than any other. They’re not complicated compared to the average recipe, they’re not fancy, and they’re definitely not healthy, but they’re each a part of simple old me.

Please note: many of you are much better cooks than I am. Many of you will and should turn your nose up at these because of your vastly superior culinary skills. I’m not mocking you; I’m acknowledging your advanced knowledge in this field with utmost sincerity. I was in the fast-food industry for twelve years and developed above-average skills suitable for a fast-paced mass-production grill area, but that career path dead-ended thirteen years ago. Since that time, I’ve done the best I can with the fading talents, remaining free time, and affordable ingredients allotted to me.

(If you want to see me cooking something truly terrible, I’d be happy to share the nightmare fodder from several low-carb cookbooks I resorted to during my 2004-2005 diet. You haven’t known gastronomic misery until you’ve had a sugar-free dessert baked in a crust made from vanilla whey protein powder.)

My recipe for chili:

The following is conflated from three variant recipes I found in the same mammoth cookbook.

Ingredients:

1 pound ground beef
1 can tomato sauce
1 can kidney beans
1 tablespoon and 2 teaspoons chili powder
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon canola oil
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
2 beef bouillon cubes
salt and pepper

Optional ingredients: elbow macaroni, shredded cheese, Ritz crackers, saltine crackers, diced onions, diced green peppers, hot sauce.

Directions:

Place canola oil in large skillet and preheat. Meanwhile, combine tomato sauce, beans, garlic, cinnamon, bouillon cubes, and 1 tablespoon chili powder in large saucepan and simmer. If anyone in your party prefers their chili served over some form of pasta, be sure to leave time for handling that in between your prep work for the main attraction.

When the ground beef is the correct shade of not-pink, stir in 2 teaspoons chili powder, plus salt and pepper to taste. When the mixing seems completed, transfer contents of skillet into saucepan. Mix well; turn up heat slightly if you’re as impatient as I am. When the chili begins boiling and/or you’re tired of waiting, remove from stove and serve. Encourage guests to add any/all optional ingredients listed above.

My recipe for brownies:

Ingredients:

Two boxes Betty Crocker brownie mix, any variety as long as they match and overflow with chocolate
Two jumbo eggs
Canola oil
Water
Cooking spray
Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup

Directions:

Follow the directions on the back of the boxes, using both boxes to make a double batch in a 9-by-13 glass baking pan. Subsititute jumbo eggs for the large eggs. Use canola oil because it’s what we keep on hand. If neither box comes with a packet of Hershey’s syrup (some do, some don’t), add a dollop of Hershey’s syrup to the batter while mixing. If the box doesn’t tell you how long to cook a double batch (some do, some don’t), try 49 minutes, adjusting for elevation above sea level as needed in your area.

Otherwise, stick to the directions, slice them with a plastic knife once they’re cooled, serve the results, sit back and wait for the compliments. My brownies are so well-regarded at work that my associates won’t let me bring anything else to pitch-ins. I hear they’re adding a bylaw about it to the HR manual.

My recipe for hamburgers:

(I may add a photo here the next time I make some, possibly this weekend. Updates as they occur.)

You will need one pound of ground beef, one iron skillet, and one sharp metal spatula. For best results, the ground beef should be bought that same day, not frozen and thawed days later. Also, your inner monologue throughout this process should use the voice of Ron Swanson from Parks & Recreation.

While the iron skillet preheats to at least medium heat, divide the ground beef into two or three portions and mash each of them into round, evenly firmed patties. If you are having more than three people at dinner, boil hot dogs for the losers.

Cook patties on one side, prodding them occasionally but not constantly. When the tops turn vaguely redder and juicier, and the time feels right, turn the patties. Add salt and pepper while waiting for the other side to cook. Poke the middle of one patty to check doneness; leave them in the iron skillet until the color matches your spouse’s exacting preferences or else you will never hear the end of it.

Remove the patties expertly from your iron skillet without tearing, using your sharp metal spatula and not one of those plastic children’s toys that department stores mislabel as “spatulas” under the mistaken impression that they are suitable for flipping burgers. They are not.

Serve burgers on buns with toppings. At least one of them should be bacon.

…

In conclusion, that’s why I don’t write a foodie blog.