Next person caught singing “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” gets mugged.

This was, yet again, the scene when I left work Tuesday evening. January’s crystalline monsoons hadn’t been enough winter for us yet. Somewhere in the Parliament of Seasons the decision was made to bestow us with more freezing, more sloppiness, more pretty but inconvenient disruptions of routine, and more snowball ammo for bullies. After the eight inches Tuesday night dumped on us, I’m told we’re expecting even more snow this weekend. And possibly more next week, for all I know. I’m loath to peek at extended forecasts, which are surely all against me anyway.

I’m used to an occasional mild blizzard or two every year. That’s typical Indiana. But snowflakes lose their charm when they unite and oppress us with relentless ferocity. I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone here except excitable schoolchildren when I say I’m no longer enchanted by this “winter wonderland” poppycock.

Snow is why I’m not allowed to drive up to the speed limit anymore.

Snow is why our heating bill tripled in the last two months.

Snow is why I couldn’t drive to work Wednesday.

Snow is why potholes the size of Rhode Island are turning every rush hour into a Death Race.

Snow is why some school systems lost a few 2014 holidays and will be making up snow days until September.

Snow is why my son’s food supply at college is down to ramen noodles and the ice on his windowsill.

Snow is why I haven’t finished last fall’s raking.

Snow is why I’ve been sluggish and depressed lately. Well, a reason.

Snow is why nearly all our TV shows are on hiatus until March.

Snow is why the mailman stopped bringing us any good mail.

Snow is why ice cream’s approval rating is now in single digits.

Snow is why house-happy families are brandishing weapons at each other.

Snow is why politicians are more irritating than ever.

Snow is why you have to pay a lot for your muffler.

Snow is raising our healthcare costs.

Snow is breaking our educational system.

Snow is sowing anarchy in the Eastern Hemisphere.

Snow is killing obsessive joggers and leaving their bones to clog our gutters.

Snow is why the Academy snubbed Fruitvale Station.

Snow is why the internet has quadrupled its assembly-line production of lame “What _____ Are You?” quizes.

Snow is no longer my friend and is no longer welcome in our home.

Snow is off my Christmas card list and written out of my will.

Snow is public enemy #1. Any and all snow is to be shot on sight.

All movies containing snow will now receive one-star ratings.

Frosty the Snowman shall be henceforth deleted from our history textbooks.

Once Upon a Time is to be boycotted unless Snow White surrenders to authorities.

Drones will be sent to hunt down Edward Snowden unless he agrees to change his name to Edward Sunnyden.

Snow may or may not be inducing paranoid delusions.

Snow has been ruled an illegal substance by the FDA.

Snow and Punxsutawney Phil are brothers in the same cabal.

Snow thinks the Second Amendment should be broadened to include bazookas, laser rifles, and Death-Eater wands.

Snow was seen hanging out in a nightclub last week with Justin Bieber.

Snow wants to direct the next Alvin & the Chipmunks sequel.

Snow is this year’s Big Bad and cannot be stopped unless we all agree to set aside our differences and team up against it in the season finale with special guest stars and a higher visual-effects budget than usual.

Snow is just mean.

SNOW, SNOW, GO AWAY. COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY. MAYBE IN 2061.

…

…

…definitely time for a vacation. Someone let me know when it’s over. I’ll be hiding out in my bunker, and probably snowed in.