All “Dark Knight Rises” Reviews Must Assign at Least an A-Plus-Plus-Plus-Plus-Plus OR ELSE.

July 19, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: Batman, comic book fans, comic book movies, Dark Knight Rises, director christopher nolan, entertainment, movies, reviews, Rotten Tomatoes, super-hero movies, super-heroes 1 Comment

Internet flame wars are no rare occurrence, but I was surprised to see them in the headlines again, not just in a headline’s poorly moderated Comments section. Entertainment Weekly reported Wednesday on the decision of the colossal movie-review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes to revoke discussion privileges for any and all reviews of The Dark Knight Rises, opening nationwide this weekend. The drastic measure, whether temporary or not, was invoked after a few early negative reviews spurred a combined thousand-plus responses from diehard fans of either Batman or director Christopher Nolan behaving in a manner allegedly on the scale somewhere between junior-high-snotty and creepy-terrorist-threat.

The official statement of RT editor-in-chief Matt Atchity seems well-reasoned, polite, diplomatic, and firm about the situation. Clearly this man has no place on the Internets and should not be taken seriously unless he calls out his opponents using misspelled epithets from all the worst R-rated comedies.

The release of the final film in Nolan’s Bat-trilogy is doubtlessly a sensitive time for our nation. Batman Begins stood above all else as a remarkable turnaround from its Bat-predecessors. The Dark Knight was, regardless of its flaws, the apex of Heath Ledger’s film legacy. Between the two, they’re prime examples of what happens when a super-hero movie attempts to transcend such singular classification without necessarily failing at it. Geek America would love to see lightning strike a third time and herald the very first successful super-hero trilogy. Fantasy fans had Lord of the Rings. Animation fans had Toy Story. Horror fans had Evil Dead, and maybe George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead and its sequels (I only saw part of the original). Adventure fans had Indiana Jones. Spy fans had Jason Bourne, any three favorite Bond films of their choice, and Mission Impossible if you skip the second and include the fourth instead. Comic book fans have, at best, several records with two-hits-and-a-miss. Just once, a successful hat trick in our genre would be a wonder to behold.

I read through some of the preserved responses to the reviews by Christy Lemire and Marshall Fine, two of the most heinous criminals targeted in the War on Negative Bat-Reviews. I’m not convinced that assailing naysayers with playground tactics will somehow result in a better movie. I’m sure more than one fan wishes they could have the power of li’l Billy Mumy from that famous Twilight Zone episode and force everyone to agree with them on everything. Alas, God’s gift of free will and the nonexistence of super-villain cornfields permit otherwise.

I won’t have time to see DKR for myself until at least Sunday afternoon, but I plan to keep an open mind in every sense. Nolan has an impeccable track record with me thus far. Then again, once upon a time, so did Pixar. DKR may the Greatest Film of All Times. It may be Nolan’s weakest film to date. I may go home afterward and rethink my life. I may spend all three hours comparing Tom Hardy’s performance unfavorably to Gail Simone’s superlative version of Bane from DC’s Secret Six. I may or may not reevaluate my lifelong indifference to every version of Catwoman ever (yes, including even the great Julie Newmar’s rendition). I may hang on its every word and quote portions of it for days afterward, or I may have to suppress the internal MST3K track that clicks on in my head when a film begins to crash and burn before my eyes.

I truly have no idea what reaction to expect, and refuse to form my opinion until after I’ve seen the movie for myself. Whatever my personal results, I don’t plan to spend my free time heaping scorn upon others for their own reactions, questioning their credentials, besmirching their integrity, or scrutinizing their kinder reviews of other, lesser films for signs of hypocrisy. Not even those notorious critics that I consider to be the anti-Me.

I’d like to think I can be honest in my response without fear of being bullied in return. I would hope the Internet can sustain isolated safe zones where the notion of civil discourse isn’t more radical than any concepts DKR has to offer.

100 Points to “Trust Us with Your Life” for Ignoring “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” DNR Order

July 18, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in TV/DVD Tags: ABC, Brad Sherwood, Colin Mochrie, comedy, entertainment, Fred Willard, Greg Proops, improv, Jonathan Mangum, television, Trust Us With Your Life, Wayne Brady, Whose Line Is It Anyway? 4 Comments

When the American version of Whose Line Is It, Anyway? was canceled, it was a sad day for those fans of TV improv comedy who were still watching after all those seasons and time slot changes. When Drew Carey and friends reformatted and relaunched on the WB as Drew Carey’s Green Screen, it just wasn’t the same to me. When a live version of basically the same shtick and troupe was recorded for the Game Show Network as Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza, it was closer to the mark, but only lasted through late-spring/early-summer 2011.

For a limited time only, improv has returned to ABC once more, minus a few faces. Trust Us with Your Life is missing Carey and longtime cohort Ryan Stiles, but the Tuesday night summer series aims for much the same ambience. Returning vets such as Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops, Brad Sherwood, and Jonathan Mangum (from Improv-a-Ganza, not WLIIA) are ordered around by replacement host Fred Willard into improv games adapted from a British show called Fast and Loose (which in turn was created by one of the original mind behind the original British WLIIA). Rather than a series of competitions where points are awarded even though they don’t really matter, now the games are instead loopy, inspired-by recreations of anecdotes from the lives of assorted celebrity guests of varying caliber.

So far our old friends are a treat to see again, though I wish Willard was an active performer instead of being relegated to mere host duties. Of all the games aired thus far, the funniest and least cribbed from WLIIA is “Sideways Scene”, in which three of our funnymen reenact a tale while lying sideways on an orange mat but filmed from overhead, creating fun discomfort from gravity and crawling around and over each other. (It’s funnier than it sounds.) Guest participation has varied:

* Episode 1: Tennis star Serena Williams. She seemed to enjoy every minute of it, but I was a little bugged that half the jokes were Wayne Brady complimenting her figure. This became repetitive and just a little voyeuristic.

* Episode 2: Jack and Kelly Osbourne. I never watched their world-famous MTV reality show and had few preconceptions about them beyond their bizarre fashion choices of years past. They seemed like well-adjusted siblings with the expected rivalries and embarrassing dirt on each other, perhaps because they’ve caroused together one time too many. Our improv all-stars seemed on fire, but when called upon to impersonate their famous father, I was annoyed that no one could remember the difference between his daily mumbling and his much clearer, louder singing voice.

Episode 3: Mark Cuban. Never heard of him. Apparently he’s a buff millionaire who was once a Pittsburgh bouncer and now owns a basketball team. The cast had fun with his occasionally lewd life stories, my ignorance notwithstanding.

Episode 4: Ricky Gervais. All his responses to Willard’s questions appeared to have been edited heavily due to either excessive length or simple incredulity. After some awkward opening segments about his non-idyllic childhood, he seemed to enjoy himself the most when asked to participate in a sketch where all his dialogue was provided by Colin. It’s hard to go wrong when Colin is in charge.

ABC is showing two episodes per week, Tuesdays at 9 EDT. The Internet says only eight were filmed, so this may soon be a blip in TV history. I plan to enjoy them while I can, though the promise that one of next week’s guests is Jerry Springer is not exactly enticing.

Prequelmania Continues in 2013 with “Oz the Great and Powerful”, a.k.a. “Before Munchkins”

July 16, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: entertainment, humor, James Franco, l frank baum, movies, Oz the Great and Powerful, prequelitis, prequelmania, prequels, Sam Raimi, trailers Leave a comment

I was away from home last week and privy to hotel Internet access of varying strengths ranging from Very Good to Intermittent to Sadly-DSL to Better-Off-Using-the-Unsecured-Hotspot-of-the-Hotel-Next-Door. Unwilling to squander minutes of family quality time on failed attempts at streaming video, I missed out when the rest of America had the chance to view the first trailer for Oz the Great and Powerful, director Sam Raimi’s vision of how Academy Award Nominee James Franco might transform into Academy Award Nominee Frank Morgan with the aid of a hat, a balloon, a storm, and younger, more hygienic versions of the three witches from MacBeth.

For those who likewise missed out:

I’m sure it’s visually stunning, but I may be seeing it alone in theaters. My son prefers L. Frank Baum’s original Oz novels and holds the loose 1939 film adaptation in contempt. He also hated Harry Osborn and thought he should have died much earlier in the Spider-Man series.

I’m mildly curious to see if this prequel can connect the dots without being too derivative. Maybe it’s just me, but writing a prequel sounds even easier than rebooting an existing franchise. Select one character from a previous work whose origin was never explained. Imagine them younger and the exact opposite of what made them famous. Design a simple plot framework that allows them to transform from one state to the other, either in two hours or in six. Add a few new characters to sell toys, plus a few in-jokes that will only be funny to several hundreds of millions of hardcore #1 fans. Presto! Instant beloved prequel with crowded San Diego Comic Con panel. Since prequels don’t yet suffer the same stigmata that sequels and reboots do, generating one seems more prestigious and less unoriginal. For now.

Under the right circumstances, any of the following potential prequels could be coming soon to a theater or Kindle near you:

Harry Potter Origins: James Potter — Once upon a time, Harry Potter’s dad was an individual in his own right. This ten-film prequel series would show how his seven painstaking years at Hogwarts helped him become a heroic student, husband, and father before his noble sacrifice reduced him to a supporting character in his own son’s life, as well as playing second fiddle to his wife Lily, about whom Harry would reminisce much more often. This would be the first of a plethora of Potter prequels, one series for each of the series’ several hundred characters. The final movie in the series, Harry Potter Origins: Colin Creevey, should begin filming by the time original actor Hugh Mitchell turns 80, though his contract will require him to reprise the role as a ten-year-old anyway. This may require some light makeup and a few hundred million in digital effects.

Crib Story — A rousing adventure about the hopes and dreams of the original toys that belonged to two-month-old baby Andy. Returning characters such as Wheezy, Hamm, Bo Peep, and the shark that once borrowed Woody’s hat will be joined by an all-new set of merchandised characters who react poorly when their ranks are joined by an age-inappropriate cowboy doll. Featuring the voices of Jon Hamm as Lots-o-Huggin Bear (a good, uncorrupted one this time), Ke$ha as a Beanie Baby kitty-cat, Patton Oswalt as a really cool sock monkey, the members of One Direction as a bunch of plastic animals dangling from a mobile, Ian McShane as a Fisher Price Corn Popper with a hidden agenda, and Ricky Gervais as a really annoying rattle who keeps trying to steal the movie.

Star Wars Episode Minus-2: the Hopeful Phantom — Why not prequels to prequels? Within five years I predict preprequels will be all the rage. The first chapter of a new trilogy (to be continued in episodes minus-one and zero) will chronicle the life of scrawny Cecil Palpatine, victim of many a bully in Coruscant Elementary School until he orders a self-help pamphlet from an old comic book that teaches him how to be a man, win friends, influence people, and electrocute opponents with his bare hands. A few scant elements will be cherry-picked at random from existing Star Wars Expanded Universe novels; any previous books not referenced in the movie version of Cecil’s story will be rendered instantly non-canonical and allowed to go out of print.

X-Men First Class Origins: Sebastian Shaw — See how a once-heroic man turned into a super-villain, who turned the once-heroic Erik Lensherr into a super-villain, who turned the once-barely-heroic Pyro into a super-villain, who turned some other guy into a super-villain, who went back in time and turned this one other guy into a super-villain, who turned Shaw into a super-villain. Or something. Fans will adore how quickly the movie continuity and timeline become even more convoluted and impenetrable than the original comics’.

God: Days of Genesis Future — All-powerful, everlasting, infinite in existence and consciousness…but what was he like before infinity began? This hypothetical examination will fancy itself an authoritative work in the hands of two Jewish screenwriters, an agnostic director, eight atheist executive producers, an endless parade of inter-faith focus groups who agree on nothing, and a handsome Scientologist starring as The God. For the sake of affirmative action, exactly one token Christian will be allowed on set, a makeup assistant who thinks that listening to Oprah is as good as reading Scripture. In order to avoid an R rating, the movie will be limited to a maximum of 2½ non-swearing uses of the name “Jesus”, though it’ll be a heart-stopping surprise if they even reach 1.

Lord of the Rings: the Silmarillion — No. Please, can we just not?

“Once Upon a Time” Season 2 Cast to Add as Many as 700 More Disney Characters

July 6, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in TV/DVD Tags: ABC, casting news, Disney, entertainment, fairy tale characters, humor, Jamie Chung, meghan ory, Mulan, Once Upon a Time, Sarah Bolger, Sleeping Beauty Leave a comment

Once Upon a Time was originally written off by Internet comics fans as an alt-world version of Bill Willingham’s Fables, but felt no slings or arrows as it became ABC’s highest-rated new drama of the 2011-2012 season. The complex saga of fairy-tale characters trapped in the modern world without their memories was a nonstop roller coaster that leavened linear storytelling with non-linear flashbacks and delved into themes of identity, belief, vengeance, betrayal, and true love. The basic cast of Snow White, Prince Charming, their long-lost adult daughter Emma, her forsaken son Henry, his adopted mother Mayor Evil Queen, and her ally/nemesis/ally/nemesis Rumpelstiltskin were joined each week by a strong, nuanced supporting cast who each had a turn living out their origins and defining their roles in the scary new world of quaint little Storybrooke.

The happy news three weeks ago was that Meghan Ory’s Red Riding Hood (a.k.a. Ruby the world’s greatest detective who’d rather be a waitress) would be upgraded to full-time regular status in season 2. This week Entertainment Weekly brought announcements of two more recurring characters being added to the show, neither of whom I’ve ever watched in anything: Jamie Chung as Mulan and Sarah Bolger as Sleeping Beauty. Those two are in addition to already existing recurring characters Dr. Jiminy Cricket, Ruby’s grandma restaurateur, the Blue Fairy, Amy Acker’s other fairy, the madder-than-mad Mad Hatter, Sidney Glass the queen’s tool, August “Pinocchio” Booth, the tormented Belle, my personal hero Grumpy, the blondish doctor who has yet to reveal his true Disney name, and a handful of other one-shot Disney properties such as Maleficent and Pongo.

I trust the showrunners know what they’re doing and will be adding new characters organically as the flow of the season allows them, rather than cramming them in all at once as if the series were a virtual clown-car of corporate merchandise mascots, all suffocating each other as they vie for our attention and the approval of their Disney overlords. I can only imagine this trend taken to an extreme as we run out of princesses by season 4 and have to start scraping the Disney barrel for too many unnecessary live-action reboots. The possibilities for casting and subplots abound:

* A Hawaiian girl named Lilo with a most exotic pet.

* Chernabog from Fantasia as the season 3 Big Bad, having conquered and assumed control of Fairy Tale Land while Mayor Evil Queen has been in absentia.

* Pocahontas as a lawyer representing for Storybrooke’s minorities and/or environmental causes, switching specialties every other episode for plot needs as TV lawyers are wont to do.

* Dumbo’s mother incarnated as an overprotective plus-sized mother of Henry’s new mute, big-eared friend.

* Bob Newhart and Zsa-Zsa Gabor reprising their roles as Bernard and Bianca, now retired adventurers who bicker sweetly while their rambunctious brood carry on the family business.

* Don Novello resumes as the demolitions expert from Atlantis: the Lost Empire, except now clad in his old Father Guido Sarducci costume.

* Aladdin’s magic carpet as a hybrid sports car, purple with gold trim, and as alive as Herbie the Love Bug.

* While I’m thinking about it, Herbie the Love Bug wouldn’t be unwelcome, either.

* Zach Braff as a small, jaundiced paranoiac who won’t stop ranting about the sky falling.

* Goofy as the world’s worst sports instructor, still making that terrified “YAAAA-HOOIE!” cry that never fails to make me chuckle.

* Robin Williams as a live-action genie. If this never happens, the show and its promises are all LIES.

Of course, a cast this size would require a budget of several million dollars per episode, possibly as much as one-tenth the cost of an episode of George Lucas’ Star Wars dream show. Cuts will need to be made somewhere to accommodate producer mandates. CG effects may be toned down somewhat in favor of placards that advise the viewers at home to “just use your imagination.” More time for extra commercials may be necessary, cutting episode running times down from forty-five minutes per episode to about ten. I also wouldn’t be surprised to see Storybrooke open its very first Subway franchise.

The schedule for next weekend’s San Diego Comic Con includes a Once Upon a Time panel (Saturday the 14th at 11 a.m. — note it on your SDCC calendar app!) that will no doubt shed more light on what’s in store for season two, in addition to giving lucky fans a chance to express their gratitude to the cast in person. Personally, I’m crossing my fingers in hopes of a Grumpy and the Fairy spinoff. I’d claim myself a front-row seat for that, even if it was…for a price.

“Amazing Spider-Man” Reboot Likely Superior to What “Spider-Man 4” Might Have Been

July 6, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: Amazing Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, end credits scene, entertainment, Marc Webb, movies, reboot, scene after credits, Spider-Man Leave a comment

Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2 remains one of my favorite super-hero films, but Marc Webb’s Amazing Spider-Man approaches the same old origin from such a unique perspective of its own, I’ve decided I don’t mind their mutual existence. If I can handle the separate-but-equal Marvel-616 Spidey and Ultimate Spidey holding their own concurrent series, I suppose it’s not too far a leap to afford the movies similar tolerance, regardless of the debates about “How soon is too soon?”

Honestly, after the corporate-mandated mishmash that was Spider-Man 3, I’m relieved that Sony had the gall to buck popular opinion and return to square one. If the downward spiral had been allowed to continue, Spider-Man 4 would have been the franchise’s answer to Batman and Robin (some would argue SM3 was just that — witness Peter crossing over to the Dark Side, where there’s soulless dancing and self-inflicted haircuts), and Spider-Man 5 would have been a two-hour QVC Spidey Merchandise Marathon with no actual story, just five villains as hosts and a 1-800 number flashing onscreen all through the movie, with the house lights still turned on so viewers could use their cell phones to order while they watch. In much the same way that Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins eliminated the stigma from the Dark Knight Detective’s own series, Amazing Spidey restores honor to his own series by returning to the classic super-hero movie formula, by which I mean it only has one villain and fewer opportunities to push new action figures on us.

The web-swinging technology has improved to the point where I can no longer tell which Spideys were live stuntmen versus which were pure CG renderings (as opposed to the first film, which often switched to an animated Spidey only slightly more convincing than Kirk Alyn’s Superman cartoon-takeoffs). The speed-ramping effects to achieve super-cool slo-mo poster shots was annoying at first, until I realized that, for once, Spidey actually did look cool in action. Admittedly, some cityscape sequences felt more like cut-scenes from the Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions PS3 game, but that may simply be because video game art has been catching up to movie effects in recent years. I opted for the 2-D version, but even without a set of Upcharge-o-Vision glasses, the visuals were dynamic and occasionally wondrous without being a complete blur.

As our new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield brings a winsome vulnerability and a more impish demeanor to the role, while at the same time seeming fiercer when pushed to his limits during the mandatory scenes where he’s unmasked for the sake of Acting. While Cliff Robertson and Rosemary Harris nailed the original Stan Lee/Steve Ditko versions of Uncle Ben and Aunt May, I found the younger versions reinterpreted by Martin Sheen and Sally Field to be a worthy, loving old couple whom you could believe spent thirty-seven years together as a finely tuned family unit. As for Emma Stone’s version of Gwen Stacy — who’s far from helpless, yet just sensible enough to know when she needs to vacate the premises instead of playing victim-to-be — I’d be very content if this series allowed Gwen never to be murdered or usurped by Mary Jane as the original comic-book Gwen was.

I wasn’t exactly giddy at the choice of the Lizard as a villain, but his presence works in the context of the rewritten origin, which takes a cue from the Ultimate Spider-Man comics and gives Peter’s deceased parents a scientific backstory set at the blatantly nefarious OsCorp. Whereas the comics used this setup as an excuse to reinvent Venom, the movie offers a logical series of mad-science events that result in sufficient excuse for two animal-based characters to be spawned at once. Rhys Ifans does what he can with his few all-human scenes, but I wish that Dr. Curt Connors had been allowed to retain his wife and son from the comics. Poor li’l Billy Connors’ shocked reactions to the dad he loved unconditionally used to deepen the tragedy of Connors’ circumstances even more. Even so, at least the Lizard’s makeup and visual effects are well above Black Lagoon quality, though his stiff plastic-surgery grins reminded me of Jack Nicholson’s unsightly Joker makeup. Despite that, as the Lizard tore through the streets of Manhattan (and sometimes through its citizens), I couldn’t help wondering how much better the TV series V would’ve been if the Visitors had been this formidable.

I liked the modernized look chosen for this film, rather than Sam Raimi’s timeless, occasionally old-fashioned design, which was a great recapture of Lee and Ditko’s world, but not necessarily one that needs to be enforced in perpetuity. I’m glad J. Jonah Jameson was nowhere in sight, because replacing J. K. Simmons would be a fool’s game. Filling the gadfly role with Denis Leary as Gwen’s dad (constantly irritated, but a hard-working hero when needed) was a smart move to sidestep that issue. Flash Thompson was what he needed to be, albeit capped with a final scene that was a great nod to the comics, though I have to wonder how in the world an aggro basketball jock could gain admission to the renamed “Midtown Science High School” that Peter and Gwen attend in this version for some reason. Would a typical New York high school have been an inadequate setting here? Or was this a subtle plug for magnet schools?

In one or two places, I was irked. In some places, I was blown away. In general, I was content. Whether it counts as a reboot, remake, relaunch, reimagining, recycling, or whatever, I’m not much concerned at this point. After Spider-Man 3 I’m just happy to be able to call Amazing Spider-Man a comeback.

(For those who are wondering: there’s a bonus scene not too far into the end credits, none at the end of the credits. It’s the exact same kind of end-scene we had in the Avengers series — ominous foreshadowing of evil scheming by a shadowy man. His identity is ridiculously easy to guess unless this movie is your very first experience with a Spider-Man product. If you paid attention to the trailers or even read this entry closely enough, you can guess who he is without even seeing the movie.)

Today’s Unrelated Things: the Stalker and the Stick

July 2, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit, TV/DVD Tags: entertainment, fan entitlement, Investigation Discovery, Kickstarter, Order of the Stick, Rich Burlew, Stalked: Someone's Watching, stalkers, unrelated things, xenogenesis 1 Comment

Basic-cable true-crime melodrama is my wife’s thing, not mine, but she noticed the description of one of tonight’s reruns of the Investigation Discovery docuseries Stalked: Someone’s Watching mentioned “a comic book author”. I’m easily excitable whenever our interests converge, so I dropped what I was doing and joined her for quality TV time that ended up disturbing me instead. The December 2011 episode titled “Signed, your Deadliest Fan” was a half-hour run-through of the experience of Colleen Doran, creator of A Distant Soil and artist of various commendable works (Sandman, Orbiter, the underrated Zodiac), who spent years at the mercy of a “fan” who subjected her to no small amount of devious psychological Hell.

As Doran recounted her story to the offscreen interviewer, I felt sure I wasn’t the only comics reader reminded of Harlan Ellison’s classic essay, “Xenogenesis”, about the real-life horror stories endured by science fiction writers at the hands of poorly raised readers oblivious to the pain caused by their own reprehensible actions toward their ostensible idols. I’m glad that Ellison was forthright enough to set “Xenogenesis” down in print, but I really don’t like to be reminded of it. I hate knowing that I share a hobby or a fandom with extremist malcontents who failed at paying attention to the good-is-better-than-evil motif portrayed in 90% of all comics ever. Understanding that other humans are not your toys shouldn’t be a challenging lesson to learn.

“Xenogenesis” doesn’t appear to be online in any reputable downloadable form. I think I still have the copy I clipped out when it was reprinted in Comics Buyer’s Guide many a moon ago. The Stalked episode is available to view via tvguide.com; alas, it costs money. Doran also wrote an even more distressing follow-up about the episode with links to her past writings about the ordeal, covering details that the producers omitted or glossed over, such as the part where the offender in question is now out and about on his own recognizance. I can see how this non-minor detail would interfere with the show’s need for closure.

(Less saddening aside about the show: I was jarred out of it for a moment during a dramatization in which “Colleen” apprehensively attended a New York comic con as a special guest circa 1987. In one brief shot, we see her cheerfully signing copies of The Unwritten. Anachronism and complete un-relation to Doran aside, the next time Peter Gross needs a month’s vacation, she would seem a great fit to me.)

* * * * *

On the brighter side of my day, the mailman finally delivered my tangible rewards for supporting Rich Burlew’s The Order of the Stick Kickstarter campaign. It still boggles the mind how a project that started as a quixotic quest to reprint a few old collections became a record-breaking runaway train of generosity gone wild. My pledge level permitted me a graphic novel I didn’t have, along with far too many additional stationery-section goodies that were added as prizes later in the campaign.

I’m especially tickled pink by the OotS coloring book, which includes coloring pages for each of the major stick-figure cast members, plus value-added puzzles and drawing challenges. I’m tempted to color a page and post an example for all to see, but then my coloring book wouldn’t be a mint-condition collectible anymore that I can use to fund my post-retirement world traveling.

(Caveat emptor: intense typo Nazis should think twice before purchasing a copy if the opportunity arises, because one section in the answer key misspells “situations”. I’ve seen your kind act as wet blankets in the name of proofreading in many a venue, but do realize Burlew is under tremendous pressure to fulfill his part of the deal and has a lot on his plate. It would be most gracious of you to forgive, forget, and refrain from insisting that the mere existence of “situtions” sullies his good name and ruins everything. Please do not declare the whole thing a sham or demand triple your money back and your next ten graphic novels free. As Stalked taught us, fan entitlement is an ugly, destructive force of evil.)

Questioning My Reality after Preferring “Madagascar 3” to “Brave”

July 2, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: animated movies, animation studios, Brave, Disney, DreamWorks, entertainment, Europe's Most Wanted, Madagascar 3, Merida, movies, Pixar, Pixar vs. DreamWorks Leave a comment

After seeing Brave and Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted within a week of each other, I was surprised to conclude that this is the second year in a row in which I’ve liked a DreamWorks CG-animated film more than a same-year Pixar release. Last year’s narrow victory of Kung Fu Panda 2 over Cars 2 was…well, a paltry competition, but still.

For the most part, Brave was still very good for what it was. I could appreciate the uneasy conflict between a mother and daughter who fail to see eye-to-eye, but who eventually learn to accept each other’s differences through a series of intense situations. However, swap their gender and you find yourself with the same uneasy conflict last seen in How to Train Your Dragon. Whereas the latter was more epic in scope, Brave by comparison was a more intimate struggle whose own four-legged antagonist was a bit smaller. Both were also set in long-ago Scotland, had characters with limbs amputated by beasts, and beefed up their supporting cast with a healthy dose of Craig Ferguson. I didn’t want to keep comparing the two so unfairly, especially since Dragon is presently my favorite DreamWorks CG film, but my mind wouldn’t stop.

Madagascar 3, on the other hand, benefited tremendously from how forgettable I found the first two. I remember the main and supporting characters, and a few flourishes from the original that are referenced in this one for effective callback resonance, but not my actual overall opinions of them. It was a pleasure hearing Ben Stiller and Chris Rock riffing to their heart’s content for a general audience. I was practically giddy from overdosing on the manic wit that propels the film forward at breakneck speed. I’m enamored of the moral of the story, that nostalgia can prevent us from seeing how confining our former boundaries were until we confront them and realize the power of moving on to wider stages. I also enjoyed turns from incoming performers such as Bryan Cranston (a Siberian tiger with a tragic story), Martin Short (a fawning, barely talented sealion), Academy Award Winner Frances McDormand (an unstoppable French animal control specialist on a vendetta), and X-Men 3‘s Juggernaut as a miniature circus dog with a ‘tude. This may also feature the best performance by a mute circus bear in cinema history. I entered the theater expecting no effect on my apathy; I exited with a smile on my face and the very few lyrics to “Afro Circus” stuck on Repeat in my head.

I’m having a very hard time reconciling these two opinions. In pondering my blasphemous imaginings of a world where Pixar is no longer the automatic king of everything, I wondered if any statistical comparisons have been drawn between the two. As luck would have it, such comparisons have been done and overdone. I decided to compile figures anyway for my own amusement, chronologically for all CG releases from each of the two companies — not of American box office grosses, but of ratings on the world-famous Tomatometer™.

Those results to date:

1995: No Dreamworks CG department to speak of; 100% for Toy Story, the grand pioneer of the medium.

1996-1997: No entrants. Each studio lay dormant, making plans and revving up their engines.

1998: 95% for Antz; 92% for A Bug’s Life. This flawed comparison is a prime example of how the Tomatometer fresh/rotten binary system lacks nuance. I didn’t hate Antz, but I’d be surprised if anyone favors or even remembers it to this day. I’m also mystified as to why Pixar hasn’t allowed an encore yet for Flik and friends. Were their merchandise sales really that anemic?

1999: No Dreamworks CG releases; a rightful 100% for Toy Story 2.

2000: No entrants. Remember when each studio used to craft one film at a time, no matter how long it took? Pixar has obviously expanded their staff and resources to sufficient capacity to maintain a steady pace of one new film per year as productions overlap. Meanwhile at DreamWorks, their WikiPedia page lists an alleged, ambitious overkill slate of twenty-two projects in various stages between ideation and completion. That either speaks to their success, foreshadows an animation glut in our future, or includes direct-to-DVD fodder to be distributed by DreamWorks but created by other, smaller animation houses.

2001: 89% for Shrek; 95% for Monsters Inc. I enjoyed the cleverness and performances in Shrek up until the exact moment where the plot pivoted because of a Three’s Company-style stupid misunderstanding because of ill-timed eavesdropping. Those are an automatic fail in my book. While that meant a forfeit in favor of Pixar, I thought some of Billy Crystal’s ad-libs weren’t exactly among his best. Given the choice, I’d rather watch clips of his past Oscar-hosting gigs.

2002: the last mutual skip year. Going forward, the mission statement for both studios was to crank out new movies every year or die trying.

2003: Still no new Dreamworks CG releases; 98% for Finding Nemo, the greatest Ellen DeGeneres film of all time.

2004: 89% for Shrek 2, which I thought was the best of the series; 36% for Shark Tale, which seemed like a case of casting famous faces first, then writing a script around them later. DreamWorks thankfully took notes from Pixar’s methodology and has relied on this poor creative formula a lot less than they used to. Meanwhile, The Incredibles, my all-time favorite Pixar film sans Woody or Buzz, impressed with 97%.

2005: 55% for the first Madagascar, whatever it was like. I do remember it looking crudely drawn. Cars was originally scheduled this year but delayed to 2006 for any number of rumored reasons, from quality control to internecine corporate shenanigans.

2006: 74% for Over the Hedge, shrewder and funnier than I expected in its barbed consumer-culture satire. 74% for Cars, which I thought was just fine. I suspect some negative reactions were Mater’s fault. He didn’t bother me. I know people here in Indiana not too different from him.

2007: 41% for Shrek the Third (no argument here); 51% for Bee Movie, proof that not everyone loved Seinfeld as much as some entertainment magazines did; and 96% for Ratatouille, Pixar’s first attempt at something besides an epic adventure, and a blessedly successful one at that.

2008: 88% for Kung Fu Panda, which I tried to tell everyone around me was seriously awesome (especially in super-sized all-powerful IMAX), but no one would listen to me because of either Jack Black or disdain for kung-fu flicks. Their loss. The 64% for Madagasacar 2: Something Something Animals improved on its predecessor in ways I no longer recall. 96% for WALL-E, which I really liked but didn’t fall head-over-heels in love with, as some of my peers did. Can’t really put my finger on why. Maybe it’s a subconscious thing about environmental lectures.

2009: 72% for Monsters vs. Aliens, which was quite a nifty League of Extraordinary B-Movie Creatures; 98% for Up, which made me bawl before the end of the first half-hour, but knocked itself down from an A+ to a mere A because of doggie biplanes. No one steals Snoopy’s shtick and gets away with it, not even Pixar.

2010: 98% for How to Train Your Dragon (thank you, critics, for validating me); 58% for Shrek Forever After (which I avoided after hating the third one); 73% for Megamind (not a fan of Will Ferrell movies, but was pretty happy with this despite sad reliance on AC/DC); and naturally 99% for Toy Story 3, weakest of the trilogy but hardly a weak film.

2011: 81% for Kung Fu Panda 2, okay but not nearly as seriously awesome as the first; 83% for Puss in Boots, which I also avoided because of Shrek the Third (my loss, perhaps); and 38% for Cars 2, certifiably the Worst Pixar Film of All Time. If you think of it as three back-to-back episodes of Cars: the TV Series, it’s really not so disappointing in those terms. If this had been released direct-to-DVD, it might have attained the same kind of regard that Disney fans hold for The Lion King 1½. Again I blame the Mater-haters.

2012: As of this evening, 76% apiece for Madagascar 3 and for Brave. It’s a tie!

On average, the DreamWorks track record has improved in the years since its Shark Tale nadir. Pixar isn’t exactly churning out third-rate filler just to pad the Disney release schedule, but no longer seems bulletproof, either. I look forward to future works from both, as long as none of them is Flik vs. Antz, which I would view as a sign of creative bankruptcy, unless Flik wins.

Additional notes:

1. List does not include Aardman productions released through DreamWorks, as much as I recommend the majority of them.

2. List excludes non-Pixar Disney CG fare because it is presumed inferior due to lack of Pixar authorship, with the exception of Tangled. The jury can’t wait to deliberate on Wreck-It Ralph.

3. List obviously excludes productions from other well-known studios such as Blue Sky and Robert Zemeckis’ ImageMovers because my free time for late-night writing is not unlimited. Their inclusion would also distract from the whole two-sided rap-rivalry vibe of the competition.

4. I lament that the list excludes traditional animated films, just as movie executives do nowadays. Recent works in this medium have been flawed in ways that could not necessarily be blamed on said medium (e.g. mediocre stories; unfunny jokes; reliance on star power over creativity); and yet, when those flaws hurt them at the box office, the medium was blamed and practically scuttled as a whole in America. This, in my mind, is an even greater shame than Shark Tale.

Comic Book Company Resurrection Scorecard, Part 2 of 2: First Things First for First

June 28, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit Tags: C2E2, comic book publishers, comic books, comics, Daniel Merlin Goodbrey, entertainment, Fillbach Brothers, First Comics, Necessary Monsters, Sean Azzopardi 1 Comment

Presenting the conclusion of my 2012 C2E2 panel experience. This would be longer, but attending Saturday only left me little time for all the possible indulgences. Many events were scheduled against each other. Tough choices were required. When the dust settled, the two panels that won my attention shared a theme: two former publishers staging a reversal of their fortunes, hoping to reach a new generation of fans and avoid the mistakes that doomed their previous incarnations.

Of the two panels, First Comics drew the smaller attendance. I blame the Kids These Days. When I first discovered the joy and wonder of dedicated comic book shops in 1985, I was overwhelmed to learn that Marvel, DC, Archie, and Harvey weren’t the only options for my hobby dollars. I first learned of their existence from the comics fanzine Amazing Heroes, which reached the racks of my local Waldenbooks for a short time and opened my eyes to a whole new part of my formerly small world. My favorite of those publishers was First Comics, some of whose titles would become must-buys for me for the next several years — Mike Baron’s Nexus and Badger, John Ostrander’s Grimjack, Jim Starlin’s Dreadstar (which moved there from Marvel’s creator-owned Epic imprint), and the shorter-lived, anime-inspired Dynamo Joe (years before anime truly took off in America). Without writing a full essay about each one, for now suffice it to say they weren’t ordinary average four-color fare.

Alas, the company took a turn for the worse after they acquired the Classics Illustrated license and refocused their efforts on hiring talented creators to adapt famous public-domain novels to comics. It was such an initial success that they soon scuttled their entire publishing line except the new CI, a once-magic goose that ultimately didn’t take long to stop producing golden eggs. I was bitter for ages. When I heard First was risen from the grave and holding court at C2E2, it was pinned to the top of my itinerary.

C2E2 First Comics panel Presenting the panel in a poorly lit room were (left to right) original co-founder/editor Mike Gold, who would later move to DC Comics for a memorable time; other co-founder/publisher Ken Levin; and original art director Alex Wald. Not pictured but also on hand was Bill Willingham, more of a household name among comics fans as the creator of Fables, who transitioned from illustrator of RPG materials for TSR to comics artist via First’s first series, the sci-fi anthology Warp (a little before my time). Willingham was double-booked for another panel, but hung out for the first fifteen minutes as a nod to the thirty years passed since First’s startup, and in acknowledgment of their value as an important career stepping stone.

First brought a few books to sell and show off at their Exhibit Hall booth. I was sorely tempted by a collection reprinting Nicola Cuti and Joe Staton’s E-Man, who began life as a Charlton Comics hero but later to First for a two-year run. If only Cuti and Staton had waited or otherwise declined the deal, E-Man might have ended up in the hands of DC Comics along with the other Charlton heroes, starring in a New 52 title and having a twisted analog paraded around in Before Watchmen. Ah, what might have been.

Necessary "Necessary Monsters" creators

Instead of furthering my E-Man collection (which today stands at a paltry three issues, two of those from the Charlton run), I chose to sample an original graphic novel called Necessary Monsters, written and drawn by panel guests Daniel Merlin Goodbrey and Sean Azzopardi (pictured above). Lurking in the pop-culture-supergroup subgenre as League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Monsters vs. Aliens, the book imagines a covert-ops team comprised entirely of movie-maniac homages. I’ve ceased being a horror fan in recent years, but I’m sometimes a sucker for stories of evil versus eviller (see also: Gail Simone’s Secret Six). Our curious, dysfunctional viewpoint character is a serial killer’s daughter who inherited his power to murder in dreams, but acts less like Daddy and more like the Punisher until the American government conscripts her into service for humanity’s greater good. The art is a little cruder than I’d prefer (faces in particular), but in general the protagonist’s emotional conflict and a plethora of demented ideas (a chicken-headed chainsaw murderer? You saw it here first!) might merit further viewing by fans of the genre. For a value-added bonus, the introduction is by the Kieron Gillen. Completists who love Phonogram and Journey into Mystery now suffer the heartbreak of Gillen incompleteness without this tome on their shelves.

Fillbach Brothers @ C2E2

Also at the panel were the Fillbach Brothers, artists of Dark Horse Comics’ Clone Wars Adventures original faux-manga. As the new First plans to be a haven for creator-owned works, the Fillbachs hope to launch their own title, Frickin’ Butt-Kickin’ Zombie Ants. I can’t possibly add anything else to a paragraph that contains a title like that.

I failed to take a decent photo or write down his name, but the last guest was the artist of an in-the-works relaunch of Zen, Intergalactic Ninja, a title that’s bounced from publisher to publisher for decades. Creator Steve Stern was unable to attend due to a serious car accident. Zen was never my thing, but I believe it has its fans.

To be honest, not much of this sounded at all like the First I knew and loved. This seemed like an idiosyncratic slate of launch titles, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Levin spoke of talks with Mike Baron about the possibility of a Badger revival in 2013, but had nothing firm to announce otherwise about old titles, except that the chances for Nexus returning to First from Dark Horse were zero.

My mild concern turned into eyebrows-raised skepticism when Levin announced that the new First plan for reaching comic shops nationwide involved avoiding Diamond Comic Distributors altogether and selling their books directly to retailers. I can’t say I’m an avid fan of the near-monopolistic system that the hobby seems to require today, in which any publisher wanting to sell more than a hundred copies must work chiefly through Diamond, if not exclusively. Granted, yes, Diamond can be circumnavigated. Books that do so are often referred to as “small press” and are fortunate if they can sell copies beyond their immediate geographic region, unless they’re based on a popular webcomic.

Today, two months after that panel, I’m at a loss to find encouraging results online. Necessary Monsters has a dedicated website, but no direct means to purchase it, and no updates since the week before C2E2. One formerly official First website malfunctions if you try visiting directly; if you Google “fillbach zombie ants”, you can backdoor into it, try adding ten million copies of #1 to your cart, and watch as nothing else happens. Another official First website promises to see us soon in San Diego, but I’m not sure if that’s this year’s San Diego con or last year’s.

I’m hoping I’ve merely caught them at a bad time, and that they haven’t already finished before they’d even begun. I do plan to keep an eye to the future and a few dollars set aside, just in case the outlook improves. One tangible upside to this: we couple dozen who showed up for the panel were graciously allowed a free First Comics T-shirt. As it hangs proudly in my closet, I prefer to think of it not as a reminder of what might have been and right now fails to be, but as a memento of what it used to be and what it meant to me.

Yes, There’s a Scene After the “Brave” End Credits

June 26, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: animation, Brave, Disney, entertainment, Merida, movies, Pixar, scene after credits, Steve Purcell 2 Comments

My wife and I are stubborn about receiving our money’s worth for our movie tickets. We really don’t mind sitting through the end credits, skimming for names we recognize, trying to spot buried gags, and waiting for the occasional Easter egg to be hatched. I like seeing if any of the storyboard artists are names I recognize from their previous career in comic books (this is extremely common), or if any bands I like contributed music (not so common). If our patience is rewarded with an extra scene, it’s a super-special bonus.

My son and I attended a showing of Brave this evening in a theater packed with several dozen other patrons, most of whom seemed to know each other, probably a group outing. (Frankly, I can’t remember the last time I was surrounded by so many teenage girls.) And yet, by the time the final minute of the final reel arrived, we two were the last ones around to smile at the capper.

For those who deserted early and missed out because you were dying for a bathroom or you have an intense fear of scrolling words, you can rest assured that, for better or for worse, it did not include any of the following:

* A middle-aged Merida and her husband playing with their children, Hamish and Lamish

* Several outtakes in which Merida keeps slipping into a Valley Girl accent

* An ad for a proposed Disneyland Glasgow resort

* Eight more versions of the Monsters University trailer, including one badly aged Sammy Davis Jr. impression

* 17-minute bagpipe solo

* Merida and Katniss Everdeen gabbing over tea and mocking Hawkeye’s alleged archery training

* A new “Sam and Max, Freelance Police” short by Brave co-director Steve Purcell (Man, if only. *sigh*)

* A cartoon Mel Gibson yelling about freedom, right before being beheaded

* A word from John Ratzenberger about the Will Rogers Institute

* A single male character who’s not a boor, a dolt, a wild animal, or a ringer for Huey, Dewey, and Louie

* A round of applause for How to Train Your Dragon, a better, more epic fantasy about ye olde Scotland

If you haven’t seen the film, a description of the epilogue will make no sense to you. For those who fled and really want to know without seeing it a second time…

…

[insert space for courtesy mild spoiler alert in case anyone needs to abandon ship]

…

…suffice it to say that goods previously purchased near the film’s halfway point are finally delivered in one overflowing wagon. It’s nice to know a deal’s a deal, no matter how monkey’s-pawed it was.

Comic Book Company Resurrection Scorecard, Part 1 of 2: the Valiant Return of Valiant

June 26, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit Tags: C2E2, Cary Nord, comic book publishers, comic books, comics, entertainment, Harbinger, Joshua Dysart, Khari Evans, Robert Venditti, Valiant Comics, X-O Manowar 1 Comment

Two months ago at the third annual C2E2 comics/entertainment convention in Chicago, I had the pleasure of attending separate panels celebrating the return of two different comic book publishers that collapsed in previous decades. Each company had a comeback plan, an experienced staff, and creators ready and willing to create. I didn’t write about my experience at the time for a few weird reasons, even when I shared my C2E2 photos with friends, but I’ve kept it in mind as I’ve followed up on their respective results.

Of the two panels, Valiant Comics drew the better attendance. Back in the ’90s, while Image Comics stole the spotlight with superstar artists and characters made of action lines, Valiant offered a more writer-driven approach and built a large following over time through rock-solid storytelling fundamentals and consistent new material every month. That was my understanding, anyway. I avoided Valiant during its prime because every book I flipped through looked pedestrian. (As opposed to Image, where so much looked exciting but read pedestrian.) In its later years I jumped aboard for the Kurt Busiek/Neil Vokes revamp of Ninjak, Fabian Nicieza’s Troublemakers, and the ultimate buddy-hero odd-couple series, Christopher Priest and Mark Bright’s funny-cerebral Quantum and Woody. Naturally, as soon as I became a fan of Valiant, Acclaim Entertainment bought the company and dragged it into the grave when it filed for bankruptcy.

Valiant has shed the Acclaim label and returned to the living with the intent to reboot and make up for lost time. Left to right at the panel were: our humble moderator; Chief Creative Officer Dinesh Shamdasani; X-O Manowar writer Robert Venditti (co-creator of comic-turned-Bruce Willis flick The Surrogates, who was very gracious at their exhibit booth — he came out from behind the table and offered to autograph my Valiant Sampler before I realized who he even was); Executive Editor Warren Simons (formerly of Marvel); and Publisher Fred Pierce (a previous Valiant VP). Also present but out of camera range was Assistant Editor Josh Johns.

C2E2 2012 Valiant Panel

Much of the panel was devoted to projection-screen previews of their first four titles, all of which looked fantastic on screen but will understandably be printed at less grandiose comic-book size in the final product. I’m not the intended audience for some of their plans, such as smartphone interactivity, variant covers and eventual crossovers, but I did understand their decision to set their titles at an initial price point of $3.99 per issue. I wasn’t the other guy in the audience booing them about it. I figured booing the inevitable crossovers wouldn’t change their minds, so I kept it to myself. If they’re too pervasive or catch me in the wrong mood, I reserve the right to abandon ship immediately.

Their launch title, the new X-O Manowar, began in May. For the sake of comparison and for a great price, at C2E2 I also found a bargain-bin copy of an old trade paperback reprinting the first four issues of the original version. Venditti’s new version is paced more deliberately — by the end of issue #2, our hero Aric has just now donned the alien exoskeleton that will allow him to become the one true protagonist. In the original version’s first issue alone, Aric had already been kidnapped from his backwater point of origin, acquired the suit, escaped his alien captors, relocated to the strange new world of present-day Earth, and befriended his first supporting character. His grasp of English was’t up to kindergarten level yet, but he was working on it. The written-for-the-trade approach to today’s version does allow artist Cary Nord more room to show off, with grand visions of attacking armies and alien ship environments and such. (By comparison, maybe it’s cruel hindsight or poor printing to blame, but the original X-O art appears to be Barry Windsor-Smith on rushed, cramped autopilot.) I did, though, have to raise at an eyebrow at a scene where our powerless, atrophied, crippled hero somehow dodged a healthily wielded point-blank laser despite years of incarceration. This still has a way to go, but I’m curious enough to keep tabs on it for the time being.

Their second title, Harbinger, began this month with a disturbing sort of cat-and-mouse game between Toyo Harada, evil businessman with abnormal history, and an amoral runaway teen with mind-control powers and a deadbeat best friend who’ll doubtlessly make everything worse. It’s more engaging than I can make it sound. Writer Joshua Dysart last impressed on the DC/Vertigo title Unknown Soldier (setting aside the revenge-fantasy aspect that grew too disturbing for me after a while) and builds up a great start with artist Khari Evans (from Image’s Carbon Grey), portraying what it’s like for a telepath whose powers are constantly on, and who finds it hard to resist the temptation to abuse his talents for selfish, young-stupid-male gain. So far I’m on board, albeit without knowing how this stacks up against the original Harbinger, whatever it was about. I assume there were super-powers.

Two more titles arrive later this summer: July will bring the revamped mercenary Bloodshot, which Warren Simons described as being “like a house on fire, and the house is rolling down a hill, and it’s filled with dynamite.” Count on explosions, then. And I have to wait until August for the new Archer & Armstrong from Fred van Lente, co-creator of the wondrous Action Philosophers! and former co-writer of the once-divine Incredible Hercules. Van Lente’s name alone was enough to guarantee my purchase, even though the first issue promises to have at least four different covers by series artist Clayton Henry, David Aja, Mico Suayan, and The Neal Adams. A preview of the first five pages is now online, but I dislike reading previews of comics I already know I’ll be buying.

The promo art at C2E2 also teased the return of other old characters like Rai and the Eternal Warrior, but Valiant is taking their time with their world-building instead of releasing fifty-two new series at once and waiting to count the casualties. June figures are obviously not in yet, but the May sales for X-O Manowar #1 estimate a healthy 42,700 copies, which in these days of our waning hobby is positively gargantuan for anything not Marvel, DC, or The Walking Dead.

I look forward to seeing future results, unless Valiant becomes all about crossovers, crossovers, crossovers. I might even forgive that if a cataclysmic in-story event can serve somehow to bring back Quantum and Woody, and their little goat, too. I’d pay at least a good $4.99 for that.

Pixar to Spend Billions Making 350 Versions of “Monsters U”, One for Each Billy Crystal Ad-Lib

June 24, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: animation, Billy Crystal, Disney, entertainment, John Goodman, john ratzenberger, Mike Wazowski, Monsters University, Pixar, prequels, teaser Leave a comment

Prefacing Pixar’s Brave this weekend in theaters were four different versions of a new teaser for their next adventure, Monsters University. Moviegoers had the chance to witness one of four versions, each with Billy Crystal voicing a different non sequitur as our hero Mike Wazowski is awakened in the middle of the night so that his roommate Sully can prank him, because of the high hilarity to be found in college-dorm bullying.

The most frequently viewed version according to YouTube stats involves a line about a pony, but this one’s my favorite of the four:

Monsters University is rumored to be a prequel to Pixar’s classic monster movie Monsters Inc. While not confirming that rumor directly with any real detail, Pixar reps insist, “Monsters Inc. fans will be very pleased, especially with the last eight minutes.” Speculation abounds as to whether or not this film will at long last answer the important questions that have lingered over the last eleven years: How was the Monsters’ universe created? Which of the million-plus bedroom doors in the original had a preschool-age Space Jockey standing behind it? Did Boo’s parents freak out while she was missing all those days? Did Mike Wazowski’s race evolve from expired olives?

Monsters University is scheduled for American theatrical release on June 21, 2013. In addition to Crystal, returning voices include John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, former Muppeteer Frank Oz, and Mandatory John Ratzenberger. Newcomers will include Senor Chang from Community, Freddy Rumsen from Mad Men, and animation veteran Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

Thor and Bella Team Up Against Meredith Vickers in “Lord of the Apples: Return of the White”

June 24, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: charlize theron, Chris Hemsworth, entertainment, evil queen, fairy tales, Huntsman, Ian McShane, Kristen Stewart, movies, Nick Frost, Snow White, Snow White and the Huntsman Leave a comment

In the 2012 Snow White theatrical-reboot cage match, I declare Show White and the Huntsman the winner. Largely that’s because I plan to avoid Mirror, Mirror for the rest of my life, based on the unfunny trailers and my track record for refusing to watch every Julia Roberts film since Ocean’s Eleven. I confess the cage match was fixed. I’m fine with unbalancing the scales intentionally and will lose no sleep over it.

I can’t say I liked Show White and the Huntsman as a whole, but I wouldn’t give it an F-minus, as have other Internet participants who reject it on the principle of starring Kristen Stewart. I’m not a Twilight fan, but my apathy for the series isn’t borne of defensive rage about how Real Vampires should be portrayed, nor do I condemn any of the actors for their mere participation. A quick IMDB check confirms the last two Stewart films I saw were Jumper (my dislike of which can be pinned on another cast member, not her) and Zathura (in which her big-sister character was supposed to be irritating). That’s not nearly enough grounds for me to jump on the anti-Bella bandwagon.

That said: to be honest, Show White and the Huntsman doesn’t provide her with much in the way of superstar material to prove herself. Her dialogue in the first half of the film is minimal. When she speaks in the second half, it’s largely either shouting while on the run or grunting while taking damage. She does have two (2) opportunities for quiet, smiling moments, as well as one troop-rallying speech which seemed to go over well. That’s a start, but she’s largely overprotected or out-bellowed by all the other characters. That’s not too prominent a place for a main character to act very main. Perhaps it wouldn’t help to mention a few scenes where Snow is so beloved by Mother Nature and so essential to the very fabric of her kingdom that she’s actually followed and celebrated by assorted happy woodland creatures. One can only imagine the Internet’s own Kristen Stewart Revenge Squad going into convulsions at the very sight.

Her general character arc also doesn’t help. Her entrance in the film is after years of dungeon imprisonment, which should have left her a drained, emaciated mess. She escapes from Point A Prison with some pluck and a single-minded goal to reach Castle Point B, because then and only upon the arrival of their exiled figurehead will the people of the kingdom unite, grow a collective spine, and stage a coup against their all-powerful oppressor. Fortunately for Ms. White, days of fleeing, watching others die because of her, fleeing some more, and being saved by the grace of others all somehow provide her with enough exercise and fresh air to overcome her years of imprisonment, reach a semblance of physical competence, and assume the role of Eowyn for the film’s climactic, chaotic assault on Poor Man’s Minas Tirith.

As the Evil Queen who is her opponent, longtime captor, and Evil Stepmother, Charlize Theron nearly makes her own head explode as she goes over the top, pauses for a tea break while her servants construct a new top thousands of feet above the previous top, then sails over that top with feet to spare. She’s allowed a few moments of vulnerability as it’s suggested that she was cursed by her mother with beauty to use as a dangerous weapon against a misogynist world (so it’s Man’s fault she has to be beautiful! And, um, not her wicked mother’s…), but moments later she returns to her previous state of apoplectic fury. I’m willing to bet her on-set line-shouting was so vehement, it made the film crew cry. Those scenes alone are worth seeing if your constitution isn’t too delicate.

As Snow’s trusty sidekick, Chris Hemsworth is allowed to inflict more damage and use pointier weapons than in his previous films. Like Snow, he also has one good speech-ifying scene, in which he laments the needless passing of so many lives that have touched his. The rest of his scenes alternate between barking at Snow and pounding on her assailants. We don’t even know he’s approaching his own private Inigo Montoya moment until seconds before it’s upon us. It’s over in a heartbeat, with nary a whit of closure, an ounce of emotional satisfaction, or even a great kiss-off line.

In case those three stars aren’t enough to hold out attention, there are dwarves. Singing the complete opposite of “Hi-Ho” are a troupe of known quantities as varied as Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones, and Nick Frost. Dwarven CG technology has come a long way since the days of Gimli and company, but here it’s more of an eyebrow-raiser than a triumph of art. I just couldn’t get past them. I found myself staring at them in every scene as if they were hideously deformed. The jocular Frost very nearly fit, but I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the image of scary, glowering Ian McShane trapped and required to act melancholy while his re-proportioned head is attached to the body of Billy Barty.

I was so distracted, I hardly paid attention to the unnecessary love triangle that remained buried, bordering on subtextual, throughout the film’s second half, with neither closure nor even much resulting conflict. I also ignored several scenes of men in armor swinging their weapons through demons made of glass shards. Ground wars between anonymous participants don’t thrill me like they used to, even if magical CG is involved. Yes, it’s pretty. How encouraging it must be to aim for the low bar of “pretty”, all the better to celebrate when it’s quickly met.

It goes without saying that the sum of SWatH’s parts don’t hold a candle to the vastly different Once Upon a Time, though I do think Kristen Stewart could take li’l Mary Margaret in a fair fight, either in Storybrooke or in her original homeland. And yet, despite the flaws it evinces as it attempts to dazzle with medieval warfare and to rely upon the power of its stars without arming them sufficiently, I’m convinced it’s still better than Mirror, Mirror, sight unseen.

(I’d love to step out further and compare all of them unfavorably to Bill Willingham’s Fables, but I’m at least five volumes behind the present, having dramatically paused months ago at volume thirteen, The Great Fables Crossover. Eventually I’ll attempt to move forward on that.)

The Only Four Titles That Still Connect Me to DC’s New-52 Universe

June 21, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit Tags: Batman Inc., China Mieville, Chris Burnham, comic books, comics, DC Comics, Demon Knights, Dial H, entertainment, New 52, Paul Cornell, reboot, relaunch, The Shade 1 Comment

I was fourteen when DC revamped its entire universe in the wake of Crisis on Infinite Earths. I was impressed that a major comic book company would be willing to toss out decades of continuity and start anew for younger readers like me who had no use for the imaginary stories of the Silver Age and thought that the doldrums of pre-Crisis DC paled compared to Marvel’s output at the time. John Byrne’s Superman and Action Comics, Frank Miller’s “Batman: Year One”, George Perez’ Greek-myth-infused Wonder Woman, and Mike Baron’s Flash were all right up my alley and frequently atop my reading pile.

Twenty-six years later, DC has cycled back around, but now I’m on the other end of the demographic scale. Other than lingering, festering, unwholesome bitterness at the unnecessary cancellations of Secret Six and Xombi, I don’t begrudge them their willingness to indulge in the tremendous gamble of reinventing the wheel for whatever generation replaces me, if one is duly willing to do so. In the spirit of renewal and multiple second chances, in September 2011 I generously ignored my monthly comics budget and tried eighteen of the New 52 series, all while holding fast to other companies’ output as well. Needless to say, that was an expensive month for me, even after rejecting DC’s other thirty-four new titles outright for myriad reasons.

Ten months later, I’m now following just four DC titles.

The winners are:

1. Demon Knights. I miss Paul Cornell’s lively Captain Britain and MI-13. This isn’t too distant a cousin — both are teams of disparate British super-personalities united for one cause, resulting in strange bedfellows, encountering explosive action, and inclusively allowing one Muslim member. Instead of present-day Marvel, our setting is DC of the Middle Ages, home of old characters Madame Xanadu, the Demon Etrigan, Grant Morrison’s Seven Soldiers version of the Shining Knight, and Vandal Savage. Tagging along are new characters Exoristos (an Amazon in exile), the Horsewoman (great with a bow, but cursed to remain forever seated atop her trusty steed), and Al Jabr (the afore-mentioned Muslim, fighter and hoarder of the more whimsical dialogue). Besides Cornell at the helm, its other distinguishing quality is that its time period makes it virtually crossover-proof. For me, this is key.

2. Dial H. The best of the New 52’s second wave that launched in the spring after eight underperformers were escorted off the premises after eight issues. The original Robby Reed version of “Dial H for Hero” was years before my birth, but as a kid I was a huge fan of the Chris King/Vicki Grant incarnation that ran in Adventure Comics (and was later relegated to ignominous backup status in The New Adventures of Superboy). As promised by the ad tagline, “The Hero Who Could Be YOU!” Robby’s successor dial-bearers turned into heroes created by Us, the Readers at Home, without benefit of complicated work-for-hire contracts. I didn’t care for the later New Teen Titans story that turned Vicki evil, but I was largely pleased with Will Pfeifer’s 2003 H.E.R.O. reboot, even if it was underrated and bypassed both Chris and Vicki. Alas, the closest thing for today’s consumers for some time has been Ben 10, whose own Omnitrix and resulting army of do-gooders owes a massive creative debit to the H-dials.

When DC announced the return of the concept at the hands of acclaimed author China Mieville, I was on board immediately. Admittedly, I haven’t read any of his novels in full yet (two of them are on my enormous reading pile), but the samples I’ve read were convincing enough. So far it’s spooky and very much off-the-wall, but I’m hoping the constraints of the dial’s current form as an archaic phone booth are only temporary. If dumpy protagonist Nelson Jent has to take a cab to the same magical phone booth’s deserted alley location at the beginning of every single issue, this may grow repetitive quickly, despite the outlandish single-use heroes popping out of every issue. (I’m sure I would pay good money for a Rancid Ninja one-shot.)

3. The Shade. Not strictly a New 52 title, this twelve-issue maxiseries began in the New 52’s second month, but could very easily be set in the previous timeline for all we know. I’m following along as a former big fan of James Robinson’s classic 1990s Starman series, hoping for glimmers of that old Jack Knight magic, but not yet 100% reveling in it, as the ex-Starman is still in permanent retirement and Robinson isn’t the same writer he was a decade ago. He arguably shouldn’t be, but I’m not in the same place I was, either. Somehow reader and writer aren’t quite as in synch as before. It doesn’t help that the capriciousness with which the Shade has changed alignment over the years as needs and continuity dictated hasn’t endeared him to me as a main character, largely because I can’t remember in which eras he was evil, and in which eras he eased down on the murdering. The guest-starring new heroes from other countries have been creative, so there’s that.

4. Batman Inc. Also a second-wave title; also not really in the New 52 timeline. Clearly these criteria really spoke to me.

I only sporadically followed Grant Morrison’s lengthy Batman run, so I’m ignorant of half the details of his long-running Leviathan storyline, and forgotten most of the other half. Throwing nuance and Easter eggs entirely to the wind, all I know is I enjoy seeing Batman’s exotic analogs in action, I find Damien to be irritating and entertaining at the same time, and I like watching artist Chris Burnham as he tries to keep up with Morrison’s scripts, with overall impressive results.

* * * * *

Setting aside other imprints, that’s my entire monthly DC list for the moment. My capsule reviews of my first round of New 52 sampling are buried elsewhere online, but ten months into the relaunch, I’ve allowed all other contenders to fall by the wayside as a result of the following misdemeanors:

The reboot paled before a previous incarnation that I truly, vastly preferred: Blue Beetle; Fury of Firestorm, the Nuclear Men; Static Shock; Stormwatch.

Unlikable main characters: Batwoman; Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E.; Red Hood and the Outlaws.

Heroes weren’t quite awesome enough to overcome how much I actively disliked their villains: Resurrection Man, Swamp Thing.

Artwork went to the dogs: All-Star Western.

I didn’t quit; DC canceled it out from under me: OMAC.

Quit because of crossovers, regardless of quality: Animal Man, Batgirl, Batman, Justice League Dark, Nightwing, Superboy. (Seriously: not in the mood. At all.)

Again: in general I’m not as bitter as the average over-40 message-board troll. DC desires an audience that doesn’t necessarily want what I want. I wish them well with that. I’m not out of comics to read yet. And I’m perfectly willing to revisit the New 52 as creative teams change in the future, such as when possible rising star Matt Kindt takes over Frankenstein. I may also check out Christy Marx’s new take on Amethyst (sometimes I do love odd choices) that will be one of several third-wave titles to emerge from the September Zero Hour rehash event.

For now, though, this is where I’m at. Also, I have one question I don’t think they’ve seriously considered:

How does the Horsewoman go to the bathroom?

2nd Teaser for PT Anderson’s “The Master” Stars Philip Seymour Hoffman as Bell Bon Bubbard

June 20, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: Amy Adams, entertainment, Joaquin Phoenix, movies, Paul Thomas Anderson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, teaser, The Master, Trailer, undefined 2 Comments

In the first teaser trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson’s next film, The Master, we saw Joaquin Phoenix as an uneasy rapscallion on the verge of doing something different with his life. In the new teaser, Philip Seymour Hoffman is a jack of several trades probing Phoenix with questions and strange reassurances. While the Internet is firmly convinced The Master chronicles the secret origin of Scientology with all the names changed, let it be known Hoffman here distances himself from the late L. Ron Hubbard in a very concrete way: he disguises himself with a mustache.

Not only do we finally see and hear costar Amy Adams, we also hear her hint at Hoffman’s character working on his most important text, a revolutionary self-help tome possibly to be titled Ianetics-Day.

Meanwhile at home, the most optimistic Scientologists hope this film will be, best-case scenario, their version of The Last Temptation of Christ. If it’s not, Anderson may look forward to being banned from working in their half of Hollywood in the future, and resigned to working in the Jewish half instead. If all else fails, there’s always work to be done in the malnourished field of Christian direct-to-DVD.

Who Will Strike More Fear into the Hearts of The 1%: Bane or the “Step Up” Dancers?

June 20, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: entertainment, joseph gordon levitt, movies, occupy-wall-street, Step Up Revolution, The 1%, The Dark Knight Rises, trailers Leave a comment

The American upper class has now replaced other races and nations as Hollywood’s go-to nemesis du jour. We’ve already seen them criminalized in Tower Heist and countless other films whose titles I don’t feel like brainstorming right now. Trailers for two upcoming films show no sign of anyone giving that beleaguered minority a break this summer.

In the case of The Dark Knight Rises, the conflict will be a twisted case of evil-vs.-evil, if we infer correctly from previous trailers that Bane and his henchmen mean to bring the pain to the lives of the few remaining upper-crust Gothamites that didn’t already wisely evacuate to the suburbs after the city-wide calamities of the last two films. A new, sponsored trailer was released Monday that shows more of Bane and his plainclothes lackeys without revealing more details about how destroying a football field will in any way inconvenience the billionaires of Gotham, all sitting in their skyboxes above the tumult with easy access to their escape pods.

Other sites are busy scouring that video for clues to the true nature of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s enigmatic character. All I know is, if the success of TDKR means he’ll never have to return to the role of Cobra Commander, so much the better.

For those who would prefer to see stands taken through nonviolent means — stands that includes more women, non-whites, and colorful costumes — Step Up Revolution offers a viable, funky alternative:

The new girl in town shows off her moves, learns a very important lesson about performance art, then inspires her new flashmob friends to bust a move for social justice. I look forward to learning how this flagrant disruption of dull real estate negotiations will result in tense cinematic drama. Also, I’d love to see Bane try performing a one-handed Centipede.

You’ll note in both trailers the police are completely ineffective against the threats of grass-roots disobedience. If anything, it appears the Step Up cops will be persuaded to join the Occupy Solid Gold movement, unless we’re to believe that they’ve implemented krumping as a new form of riot control. I’d love to see Denis Leary as Arthur Stacy from the most recent Amazing Spider-Man trailer pay them a visit and compare notes.

Next Week’s “Bunheads” to End With Funeral Pyre Stoked with Unsold “Private Practice” DVDs

June 18, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in TV/DVD Tags: ABC Family, Amy Sherman-Palladino, Bunheads, comedy, David Burke, Ellen Greene, entertainment, Kelly Bishop, Sonnenfeldmania, Sutton Foster, TV ballet, TV diversity Leave a comment

Despite ratings for a basic-cable premiere that were okay but not grounds for instant Fox-style cancellation, ABC Family’s Bunheads made a few headlines anyway last week thanks to a gift from Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes, who thought the show needed publicity. Rhimes tweeted to her 190,000 followers about the failure of creator Amy Sherman-Palladino to establish and enforce strict racial quotas during the twenty-minutes-long casting phase of the low-budget show’s compacted pre-production schedule.

On Monday Entertainment Weekly passed along interview excerpts in which Sherman-Palladino expressed disappointment in Rhimes’ flagrant disregard for the Woman Showrunners’ Code, and implied her preference instead for a one-step-at-a-time approach to show creation. (Step 1: get the show on the air in the first place, compromised or otherwise. Step 2: entertain the masses enough to survive past four episodes. Step 3: make changes as needed after you know you’ve earned the privilege to continue working.)

Anyone who tuned in Monday night for the second episode would have noticed a few non-white characters in the tiny town of Paradise, including one of Fanny’s close circle of friends. The representative even had lines, but had quite the unenviable challenge of sharing scenes with the uniquely animated Ellen Greene. Asking her to steal a scene from Pushing Daisies‘ Aunt Viv, here playing an oddball found-object nude sculptress, is a taller-than-tall order regardless of minority classification.

Personally, I thought episode 2 was even more electric than episode 1, with plenty of quotable dialogue (“At last, a chance to use my high school Tibetan!”) and a few tear-jerking scenes as everyone struggled to cope with the fallout of episode 1’s devastating cliffhanger. In addition to Ellen Greene, I was also overjoyed to see the episode end with another guest star from an old, swiftly canceled, Barry Sonnenfeld-related TV show — David Burke from the live-action version of The Tick. (All we need now is a walk-on from a veteran of Maximum Bob and we can declare June 2012 as Sonnenfeldmania Month on Bunheads. Might I suggest Beau Bridges as the Mayor of Paradise?)

Discussion questions for those who caught episode 2 tonight:

1. I thought someone somewhere manufactured party tents in black. Am I, too, imagining this?

2. Is any Mark Wahlberg film really worth skipping school on false pretenses? Even if he’s making things in France explode?

3. If you ran a party supply shop, how much would you charge for Dalai Lama cocktail napkins?

4. Capes? Seriously?

5. Which Paradise resident do you think we’ll meet first, the Republican or the Liza Minnelli impersonator?

6. The USS Intrepid‘s official site offers no coupons, but does sell gift cards. Close enough?

7. Am I or am I not alone in thinking that Fanny had the funniest and saddest line of the night, as she scoffed at the notion of being prayed for from afar: “I take my spirituality very seriously. If I don’t see it, I don’t believe it!” It’s just me, right?

8. Is it really true that no one eats carbs anymore? If so, do I have to keep living in that world?

9. If the Shonda Rhimes “Save Bunheads So It Can Have Time to Replace Half Its White Cast” publicity campaign works and the show survives past this summer, which fad do you think the show will inspire first: funeral dancing or sitar players at parties?

10. Would anyone else like an encore of Tom Waits’ “Picture in a Frame”?

I’d also like to address what was, for me, the most incendiary portion of the show: the scene in which Michelle and Rico the mellow bartender knock the concept of brunch and raise their glasses “to time-specific eating habits.” Hey, Bunheads: really? You couldn’t show even one scene of an adult male celebrating the magical rarity that is breakfast-for-dinner, so I as a breakfast-food fan could feel good about watching this show? Not one?

Two Panels to Show Why “Journey into Mystery” is My Favorite Marvel Series

June 18, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit Tags: comic books, comics, entertainment, Journey into Mystery, Kieron Gillen, Loki, Marvel, norse myths, Rich Elson 1 Comment

The Marvel’s The Avengers film series may have turned Thor’s half-brother Loki into a sinister household name (beyond those households who knew a thing or two about preexisting Norse myths, anyway), but in my book the eminently watchable Tom Hiddleston takes a back seat to my favorite Loki of the moment, the young reincarnated star of Marvel’s Journey into Mystery.

After the events of the 2010 major crossover event Siege, Loki was dead and gone after one final, uncharacteristically heroic act. As one would expect from Norse gods and their closest family, this condition was temporary. Through machinations of his own, Loki was quickly reincarnated. Through machinations not of his own, his new form is a younger, more naive version of himself with no magic power and no memory of the pain and suffering that his past self’s countless treacheries have inflicted upon others over the years. Kid Loki has spent his new life in a series of misadventures, saving lives, worlds, and entire Marvel crossovers through his uncanny knack for duplicity and shrewd deal-brokering for the greater good, despite the fact that no one trusts him and too many would love an excuse to kill him again.

In the current status quo, Kid Loki is now in the service of the triumvirate of All-Mothers who rule earthbound Asgard while Odin is occupied elsewhere. Along with him for his escapades is Leah, servant of Hela, who’s close to li’l Loki’s age, has magic power a-plenty, and pretends to hate his guts even while she reluctantly ensures his continued survival. Watching over his shoulder is an Asgardian blackbird named Ikol, who acts as an enigmatic, disturbing sort of Jiminy Cricket. Occasionally there’s also Loki’s li’l puppy Thori, a mixed-breed hellhound/Hel Wolf who breathes fire, speaks entirely in Grand Guignol death threats, and is as cute as a button.

The latest arc, which just began this month, tasks Loki with a trip to England to assist its current pantheon against an invasion from a new would-be pantheon called the Manchester Gods, who exist as enormous walking cities (think Howl’s Moving Castle) that draw believers to them and away from their previous beliefs. What seems by my crude American understanding to be a fun riff on intense soccer fandom begins with Loki and Leah journeying at the All-Mothers’ request as a godly covert-ops team to assist the elder British powers behind the scenes while Asgard’s public rulers pretend to follow the Prime Directive and abstain from direct meddling.

Their arrival is England happens like so:

"Journey into Mystery" #639, story page 11, panels 1-2

Herne the Hunter waits patiently for his prey. I mean, passenger.

I’m a big fan of Kid Loki’s merry sense of adventure and unbridled optimism, staples of the series under the guidance of writer Kieron Gillen (whose creator-owned Phonogram was epic and whose first Marvel series S.W.O.R.D. was unfairly kneecapped) and artist Rich Elson (with the occasional guest artist). With mythic grandeur undercut by frequent bouts of sharp wit, Loki’s crew traipses across dimensions, infiltrates the realms of dreams in a respectable homage to Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, and even makes Marvel events like 2011’s Fear Itself more enjoyable by filling in their much-appreciated backstory. (If you wanted to know why Odin’s brother the Serpent was subjugating superhumans and laying waste to Earth, nowhere but in Journey into Mystery were we offered keen insight as to just why.)

For certifiable proof of how attached I am to this series, I can add only this: “Exiled”, the recently completed multi-part crossover that JiM shared with New Mutants, will be the only crossover I read in full this year. I bought and enjoyed every chapter even though I’ve avoided X-Men titles for years. I’ve dropped some Big Two titles as a result of crossovers, and intentionally skipped chapters of other crossovers on similar fussbudget principle. Only “Exiled” earned a pass from me as I grow weary of such needless marketing complications, because I suspected it would raise the bar. When it instilled new relevance into the lost myth of Sigurd and wrapped up the tragic arc of the man-hating undead Disir, I loved seeing my hunch pay off.

In the wake of Siege, all throughout Fear Itself, and on into “Exiled”, Journey into Mystery proved itself so exceptional at what it does, its magic touch makes any other comic next to it even better.

“Falling Skies” Fans Count Down to Season 2 Premiere, Desperately Try to Remember Character Names

June 16, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in TV/DVD Tags: characters, entertainment, Falling Skies, humor, Noah Wyle, season 2, season premiere, TNT, tv Leave a comment

After an extended absence from Earth’s airwaves, the post-invasion saga Falling Skies returns to TNT with a two-hour season premiere Sunday, June 17th, at 9 p.m. EDT. Viewers like me were pleasantly surprised to watch a series containing the phrase “Executive Producer Steven Spielberg” that wasn’t canceled at the end of season one. Yes, I’m still bitter about the others, but I’m grateful that one made the grade with the Nielsen commoners.

Ten months have now passed since I saw the season 1 finale as it aired. I didn’t buy the DVD set and rarely watch reruns of any show, well-liked or not. Obviously I’ve slept since August 2011 and have had plenty of other shows, movies, and comics to preoccupy me in the meantime. I have less than 24 hours to remember where we left off without resorting to cheating, by which I mean paying any attention to the current marketing onslaught or reviewing its WikiPedia pages.

So far I recall the following cast of characters:

Noah Wyle as not exactly Dr. John Carter, M.D.: Our intrepid main character is a former Massachusetts history teacher who role-models bravely for his three sons while downplaying a modest drive for vengeance for the death of his wife. When last we saw him, he had agreed under duress to fly off into space with our alien overlords. I’d like to think the first scene in the premiere will be an intricately choreographed wire-fu sequence aboard the mothership that ends with him defenestrating all the aliens and piloting their craft back to Earth with their speakers blaring a classic-rawk station cranked up to 11.

Son 1, Son 2, and Son 3: Like their dad, whatever his real first name is, all their names, whatever they are, are short. Main characters never have lengthy names like Mortimer, Cordwainer, or Buckminster. I think the middle son, the implant survivor whose symbio-ectomy left him imbued with useful super-powers, was named Ben. The oldest son knew how to use guns and ride a motorcycle, and was well on his way to being treated by his dad as an official, independent, adult male. He was much more mature and less disappointing than the oldest child on Executive Producer Steven Spielberg’s Terra Nova. The littlest son was very little and may grow up to be a tech whiz if he’s not endangered too often. Repeated exposure to such nightmarish situations is likely to turn him into Carl from The Walking Dead. No one wants that.

Lourdes, the overtly devoutly religious helper girl: At last, a character who can believe in God, openly display that she does, exude actual signs of hope and faith, and even pray (*gasp!*) without being secretly evil, mocked by the other characters, mocked by the showrunners, taught a very special lesson about Tolerance, or murdered as a cheap plot stunt. Yet. If the showrunners ever leave, odds are she’ll be the first character thrown under the bus. I’m trying not to mourn her loss in advance, but the track record for this sort of character has been exasperatingly dismal ever since Little House on the Prairie ended. I’d buy posters and any ancillary merchandise of her if I thought it would improve her chances of remaining on the show till the very end, and if it wouldn’t make me seem like a creepy old man.

Doctor Moon Bloodgood: You don’t forget a name like that, even when you forget a name like her character’s. Since chances of a sequel to Terminator Salvation are nil, she’ll have to accept her destiny to become Mrs. John Carter someday. For now, she’s a doctor with more resources and spine than some of her male associates, but without being hatefully offputting. Kudos!

Will Patton as Commander Gruff McPonytail: He barked orders, he disagreed with Noah Wyle every ten minutes, he struggled with his faith, he lost his marbles for a while, and then he was back in the saddle, still barking and wounding the enemy with his permanent stubbble.

Silent Dai, the only Asian around for miles: I was disappointed when he missed out on several important maneuvers due to combat injuries. Then again, there was no reason to expect him to defeat his opponents with the brutal beatdown techniques of an amazing ninja warrior. That’s racist. A missed opportunity, but still racist.

Commander Dale Dye: My eyes nearly popped out of my head when the famous TV/movie military technical advisor guest-starred last season. My heart sank when we were told he died. Offscreen, no less. I can only hope this intel was flawed and we’ll see Dye return with an alien harness and a really big gun.

Nina Sharp of Massive Dynamic: It’s hard to forget the episode where Blair Brown played a kindly old lady with lovely tea service and a penchant for selling out to the aliens. When Fringe concludes next season, Falling Skies would do well to invite her back.

Long-hair biker gangster who evolved from evil to just really, really selfish: He’s least likely to do the right thing and gets all the funniest lines. He’s the Jonathan Harris of a new generation. His saving grace is his mad cooking skills, an Iron Chef by way of MacGyver, making the most of his limited ingredients in an impoverished world where the overlords bombed all the really good restaurants out of business. I’m sure several thousand impervious Subway franchises still thrive, but who cares.

Maggie, forced biker moll no more: Understandably edgy and voted Most Likely to Put a Bullet in Chef Biker’s Head if he keeps misbehaving.

Another blond teen: I do recall there was one. She distracted Son #1 from Lourdes. Then something bad happened to her. That’ll teach her.

Young, goofy, trigger-shy Jimmy: How many more allies must be jeopardized or gravely injured before he catches up with the other quickly maturing teens and finally holds his own without crying and hiding? My guess is 72.

Ben’s black friend who loved being a slave: I couldn’t help thinking there was something very wrong about that. Proof positive that the enemy is evil.

The skitters: I can’t wait for one of them to have a personality or a name. Just one would go such a long way. Hopefully their newly revealed supervisors have surprises and identities in store.

I can only imagine how many memory holes I haven’t uncovered yet, but I trust sufficient expository reminders and recaps are forthcoming. If they fail, I’ll make up my own names for everybody and enjoy the show anyway. In this scenario the three sons will be named Morty, Cordy, and Bucky.

Help Fund “The Garlicks” on Kickstarter, and Famous Comics Writer Will Eat Bug

June 15, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Comics/Lit Tags: comics, entertainment, entomophagy, Kickstarter, kiddie vampires, Kurt Busiek, Lea Hernandez, The Garlicks, webcomics 1 Comment

Not a joke headline! Not a hoax! Not a dream! Not an imaginary story! Fans of entomophagy, lend me your ears!

The Garlicks: Pandora Orange, Fail Vampire promises to be yet another fun romp of a graphic novel/webcomic from writer/artist Lea Hernandez, previously seen on such past projects as Killer Princesses (with Gail Simone) and Clockwork Angels. The official Kickstarter campaign page describes the all-ages story much more lucidly than I could hope to, but it centers around a young girl named Pandora Orange who fails at vampirism and decides to create comics instead. Imagine the fame and fortune to be had if only she could learn to juggle both, but suffice it to say hijinks will ensue with a colorful cast of characters and none of the doom or gloom that permeate 90% of what’s on comic shop shelves today.

With only five frantic days until the Dreaded Deadline Doom, the campaign has amassed a little over 25% of its funding goal. To sweeten the pot above and beyond the generous rewards Hernandez has already offered, one of my longtime favorite comics writers, Kurt Busiek (creator of things I’ve really truly liked such as Astro City, Thunderbolts, and The Liberty Project, in addition to splendid Marvel works such as Marvels and Untold Tales of Spider-Man) has now stated for the record that if the reading public makes The Garlicks a reality, he will personally ingest one (1) bug. No details have been forthcoming regarding species, condiments, or broadcast rights to this once-in-a-lifetime event.

Here’s that link one more time if you’d love to see Kurt Busiek, co-creator of Marvel’s Triathlon and one-time writer of Night Thrasher, to ingest an insect for art’s sake. Better yet, if you have a friend of a friend who happens to be a trust-fund-raised one-percenter with a million dollars just lying around, do the medium a favor and persuade them to help bring Pandora Orange to life and give current Kickstarter comics-projects record-holder Rich Burlew a run for his title!

(Please be warned: if this project is unsuccessful, I hear Sarah McLachlan will record a depressing, doe-eyed new TV commercial in support of bug adoption charities. No one wants to see that, now do they?)

* * * * *

Department of Full Disclosure:

1. I’ve been an official Supporter of The Garlicks since before the threat of bug-eating made it cool. I’ve become a modest Kickstarter junkie over the past several months, donating here and there to several different projects varying in quality from very-promising to obviously-awesome-even-before-completion. I could quit the habit anytime I wanted if talented people would stop using it.

2. I still cherish the warm memory of a 1999 Usenet incident in which Hernandez and I wound up on the same side in a heated debate over whether or not strollers should be permitted at conventions. Good times.

US Postal Service Rewards Old Snail-Mail Diehards with Classic Film Directors’ Stamps

June 14, 2012 By Randall A. Golden in Misc. Media, Movies/Films/Flicks Tags: Billy Wilder, entertainment, Frank Capra, Great Film Directors, John Ford, John Huston, philately, stamps, United States Postal Service, USPS Leave a comment

I’m no stamp collector, but even in this modernized world, my wife and I remain regular USPS customers for a variety of purposes, and not just for receiving grocery circulars or avalanches of unread political ads during every election season. When it’s time to restock our stamps, I prefer not to settle for buying the commonest sets available because I’m enamored of the notion of stamps as a decorative flourish, even if they’re affixed to envelopes that no human will ever directly see or handle. I appreciate that the clerks at our regular post office are patient with me whenever I ask to see all the available varieties on hand. I especially appreciated their tolerance the year my wife and I exercised a random whim and mailed some of our Christmas cards using a sheet of Hanukkah stamps. They certainly had plenty of sheets available.

The USPS previously captured my attention and fandom with stamp series devoted to super-heroes and Pixar. Now they’re blatantly baiting me again with their new Great Film Directors sheet, which celebrates four legendary men and one each of their celebrated films: Frank Capra and It Happened One Night; John Ford and The Searchers; John Huston and The Maltese Falcon; and Billy Wilder and Some Like It Hot. I refuse to believe it’s coincidental that they chose four films I’ve actually watched and liked. Someone in the Postmaster General’s Office is clearly angling for me.

The stamps are available online now, but I’m resisting the urge as of this moment. If I do yield to temptation and buy a sheet, the hard part will be letting go of them when their time comes. Like it or not, I’ve already come to terms with knowing deep down that I don’t have the predilection for full-time philately. I accepted this after coveting the Pixar stamps for months, letting them stay in my greedy possession and gather dust in an out-of-sight drawer, until I finally relented and set them free to serve their intended purpose. I try to kid myself that if just one mailroom intern at just one of our utility companies glanced at our monthly payment and felt a frisson of delight at the sight of Sheriff Woody’s twinkly smile in the middle of their humdrum workday, then setting those stamps free was worth it, I guess.

Either way, I appreciate the efforts of the USPS to atone on behalf of the AMPAS for The Searchers‘ complete shutout at the 29th Academy Awards. How ’bout them apples, whoever made Around the World in 80 Days for me to snooze through? Have fun waiting for Cantinflas ever to grace the corner of my mortgage payments.

Midlife Crisis Crossover!

Viewing the non-geek world through geek lenses. And sometimes vice versa.

Tag Archives: entertainment

All “Dark Knight Rises” Reviews Must Assign at Least an A-Plus-Plus-Plus-Plus-Plus OR ELSE.

100 Points to “Trust Us with Your Life” for Ignoring “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” DNR Order

Prequelmania Continues in 2013 with “Oz the Great and Powerful”, a.k.a. “Before Munchkins”

“Once Upon a Time” Season 2 Cast to Add as Many as 700 More Disney Characters

“Amazing Spider-Man” Reboot Likely Superior to What “Spider-Man 4” Might Have Been

Today’s Unrelated Things: the Stalker and the Stick

Questioning My Reality after Preferring “Madagascar 3” to “Brave”

Comic Book Company Resurrection Scorecard, Part 2 of 2: First Things First for First

Yes, There’s a Scene After the “Brave” End Credits

Comic Book Company Resurrection Scorecard, Part 1 of 2: the Valiant Return of Valiant

Pixar to Spend Billions Making 350 Versions of “Monsters U”, One for Each Billy Crystal Ad-Lib

Thor and Bella Team Up Against Meredith Vickers in “Lord of the Apples: Return of the White”

The Only Four Titles That Still Connect Me to DC’s New-52 Universe

2nd Teaser for PT Anderson’s “The Master” Stars Philip Seymour Hoffman as Bell Bon Bubbard

Who Will Strike More Fear into the Hearts of The 1%: Bane or the “Step Up” Dancers?

Next Week’s “Bunheads” to End With Funeral Pyre Stoked with Unsold “Private Practice” DVDs

Two Panels to Show Why “Journey into Mystery” is My Favorite Marvel Series

“Falling Skies” Fans Count Down to Season 2 Premiere, Desperately Try to Remember Character Names

Help Fund “The Garlicks” on Kickstarter, and Famous Comics Writer Will Eat Bug

US Postal Service Rewards Old Snail-Mail Diehards with Classic Film Directors’ Stamps

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!

Share this with your friends and followers!