My wife and I are stubborn about receiving our money’s worth for our movie tickets. We really don’t mind sitting through the end credits, skimming for names we recognize, trying to spot buried gags, and waiting for the occasional Easter egg to be hatched. I like seeing if any of the storyboard artists are names I recognize from their previous career in comic books (this is extremely common), or if any bands I like contributed music (not so common). If our patience is rewarded with an extra scene, it’s a super-special bonus.
My son and I attended a showing of Brave this evening in a theater packed with several dozen other patrons, most of whom seemed to know each other, probably a group outing. (Frankly, I can’t remember the last time I was surrounded by so many teenage girls.) And yet, by the time the final minute of the final reel arrived, we two were the last ones around to smile at the capper.
For those who deserted early and missed out because you were dying for a bathroom or you have an intense fear of scrolling words, you can rest assured that, for better or for worse, it did not include any of the following:
* A middle-aged Merida and her husband playing with their children, Hamish and Lamish
* Several outtakes in which Merida keeps slipping into a Valley Girl accent
* An ad for a proposed Disneyland Glasgow resort
* Eight more versions of the Monsters University trailer, including one badly aged Sammy Davis Jr. impression
* 17-minute bagpipe solo
* Merida and Katniss Everdeen gabbing over tea and mocking Hawkeye’s alleged archery training
* A new “Sam and Max, Freelance Police” short by Brave co-director Steve Purcell (Man, if only. *sigh*)
* A cartoon Mel Gibson yelling about freedom, right before being beheaded
* A word from John Ratzenberger about the Will Rogers Institute
* A single male character who’s not a boor, a dolt, a wild animal, or a ringer for Huey, Dewey, and Louie
* A round of applause for How to Train Your Dragon, a better, more epic fantasy about ye olde Scotland
If you haven’t seen the film, a description of the epilogue will make no sense to you. For those who fled and really want to know without seeing it a second time…
[insert space for courtesy mild spoiler alert in case anyone needs to abandon ship]
…suffice it to say that goods previously purchased near the film’s halfway point are finally delivered in one overflowing wagon. It’s nice to know a deal’s a deal, no matter how monkey’s-pawed it was.