My 2024 at the Movies, Part 1 of 2: Starting at the Bottom

IMAX poster for Madame Web in a theater hallway. Visual elements include five eyes in separate circles surrounding a falling body. In the middle there's a tiny spider. There are concentric circles and some cluttered webbing.

NEVER FORGET.

It’s listing time again! In today’s entertainment consumption sphere, all experiences must be pitted against each other and assigned numeric values that are ultimately arbitrary to anyone except the writer themselves. It’s just this fun thing some of us love doing even though the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

I saw 29 films in theaters in 2024 that were actually released in 2024, a 20.8% increase over 2023, steadily climbing post-COVID. That number doesn’t include ten Academy Award nominees I caught in theaters in 2024 that were officially 2023 releases, but which I saw later outside the house as part of my annual Oscar Quest. It also doesn’t include the 2024 films I watched on streaming services, which will receive their own listicle.

Of those 29 releases, 16 were sequels, prequels, or chapters in an ongoing universe or venerated popcorn-flick IP. Only five were superhero films because Marvel sent themselves to the penalty box. Two were animated. Five had scenes during or after the end credits (again, blame the low tally on the MCU hiatus). Seven were screenings at the 33nd annual Heartland Film Festival, some of whose makers are still seeking an American distributor. In young-adulthood I used to scoff at critics who’d fill their year-end Top 10s with films they saw at festivals that none of their readers would be able to watch for another few months, if ever. Now that I’ve participated in a festival these past two years, those seven totally count and I’m not cheating by including them. This is, like, just different.

Here’s the annual rundown of what I didn’t miss in theaters in 2024, for better or worse, starting as always at the bottom. Links to past excessively wordy reviews and sometimes bizarrely construed thoughts are provided for historical reference. On with the countdown!

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Yes, There Are Scenes During and After the “Transformers One” End Credits

Young Optimus Prime and Megatron sitting on a couch and smiling.

Just hanging out after work, two buddies who have each other’s backs and will never, ever, ever lead separate sides in a planetary civil war. Friendship!

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Seeing every Transformers film in theaters, no matter how much we’ve come to dread them, is among our few enduring father/son traditions. He grew up as they grew bigger and dumber. Nevertheless, the boy and I would suffer each canned serving of Cinema In Name Only and always spend the car ride home dissecting them together…

After Michael Bay ruined toy robots for several generations of kids to come, damage control efforts have varied. Some gave it a nice try; some made things worse. We nearly excused ourselves from seeing Transformers One because the first trailer’s so-so kiddie-comedy vibe felt aimed at complete newbies with no Transformers experience because their parents shielded them from such harmful matter. Then came the showier, more dramatic second trailer, along with the surprisingly positive buzz from early screenings. Those factors convinced us to give the Robots in Disguise yet another chance. To our shock, T1 may in fact be one of the best Transformers feature films of all time, if partly by forfeit.

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“A Quiet Place: Day One”: The Mega-Muppets Take Manhattan

Lupita Nyong'o hunched fearfully in an alley, hugging a black-and-white cat.

“I’m not coming out of this alley until you promise Nakia gets more scenes in the next Black Panther.”

Previously on A Quiet Place: Emily Blunt was a heroic mother surviving on a post-apocalyptic farm with her remaining kids and without her Concerned Husband until things once again went awry and they fled to a nearby island, the perfect hiding place from that unnamed alien army who jump-‘n’-slash at the slightest noises but whose fatal weaknesses happened to include bodies of water. Our Family’s happy ending was nice for about ten minutes until one of them learned how to boat. Nevertheless, the day was later saved and human life found a way.

Director John Krasinski kept A Quiet Place: Part II‘s premise simple: “What if the first flick just kept going and was actually three hours long?” The sequel was more an expansion pack than a standalone tale unto itself. It came packaged with a free mini-prequel on the front, needlessly depicting how Day One of the invasion quickly devastated their small town. It was a satisfying course of more-of-the-same, but not in any groundbreaking way that left me yearning for further adventures in the Hyper-Hearing Horror-Horde Cinematic Universe.

Nevertheless, here we go again with some more prequel, A Quiet Place: Day One. With Krasinski off doing other things (i.e., IF, which I skipped), apparently any new AQP extensions are forbidden from moving the main characters forward, much like the Star Wars universe’s treadmilling-in-place spinoffs. Within that common yet exasperating genre-series boundary, what were the odds of a substitute filmmaker steering away from more-of-the-sameness?

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“FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA” IN SUPER AWESOME DOLBY CINEMA ALL-CAPS-O-RAMA! (Well, Kinda!)

Post-apocalyptic warrior woman with black paint around her eyes gets out of a monster truck holding a sawed-off shotgun.

GET IN, LOSER! WE’RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!

PREVIOUSLY ON MIDLIFE CRISIS CROSSOVER: MAD MAX FURY ROAD WAS THE WINNER OF SIX ACADEMY AWARDS, A BEST PICTURE NOMINEE, ONE OF MY TOP 5 FILMS OF 2015, AND THE GREATEST MAD MAX MOVIE OF ALL TIME! I WATCHED IT AGAIN THE OTHER NIGHT AND IT WAS STILL LIKE BOBBING FOR GRENADES IN A BARREL FULL OF ADRENALIN! IT WAS EXTREMELY LOUDLY MIND-BLOWINGLY EXTREEEME! I WISH I COULD LEGALLY DRIVE LIKE THAT! AND I WROTE MY REVIEW IN SCREAMING MODE JUST LIKE THIS! IT WAS ONE OF OUR TOP 5 MOST POPULAR POSTS THAT YEAR! SO HERE WE GO AGAIN!

EVERYONE LOVED FURY ROAD SO MUCH, GEORGE MILLER MADE A PREQUEL! FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA IS NOW IN THEATERS! BUT THERE’S NO CHARLIZE THERON OR TOM HARDY OR THE ONE CANCELED GUY THAT HARDY REPLACED! NO ONE REMEMBERS HARDY’S PART ANYWAY BECAUSE FURIOSA WAS AWESOME! SHE DROVE A TRUCK AND HAD A RAD HEAVY METAL BIONICLE ARM AND SHE STOLE THE MOVIE! BUT NOW SHE’S ANYA TAYLOR-JOY! WHO ISN’T CHARLIZE THERON! BUT SHE SURVIVED THE MENU AND SHE WAS MAGIK IN THE NEW MUTANTS, SO SHE’S BEEN THROUGH SOME STUFF!

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Proclaiming the Good News of the “Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes”

Smart ape holds a falcon on its gloved arm.

“So, eagle, you do for apes what you did for dwarves and hobbit?”

Previously on Planet of the Apes: apes rule Earth now! Andy Serkis’ Caesar led apes to victory but died for ape sins! Virus strike whole planet, make humanity stupider! Humanity also mute now! Lucky apes not have to hear human stupidity! Unless apes reinvent internet! Movies not say humans can’t type! Maybe ape moderators ban humans from simian media!

Everything’s coming up monkey-house as we continue with the prequel/reboot (preqboot?) series that’s been among the most consistently entertaining of its kind in this era of I.P. recycle-overdrive. (R.I.P. those once-cool X-Men preqboots whose producers turned their last two flicks into shiny dumpster clutter.) So far we’ve had nary a clunker in the new bunch, more than we can say for the original Apes pentalogy. That’s including the latest release, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, which box-office pundits are dubbing a failure because its opening weekend earned “only” $58 million domestic, nearly twice as much as all other May 2024 blockbuster openings. Guess it’s hard out here for a chimp.

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Holding My Breath Until I See Spinoffs from “The Wire”

Bunk, McNulty, The WireAfter months of squeezing in an episode here and there whenever time permitted (which was rarely), tonight I finally finished watching all five seasons of The Wire. It’s sixty episodes of the most politically charged, complicated, incisive, meaningful, profane, discomfiting, provocative, challenging television I’ve ever seen. It’s not a show for everyone, but following the storylines of its roughly eight thousand different characters (give or take three) became an unprecedented adventure that part of me secretly hopes has left me scarred and ruined for any other TV show or fictional tale that dares to try impressing me in the future. Its multifaceted examination of life on the streets of Baltimore at every level made my own lower-class upbringing look like the life of a prince, put my comparatively benign hometown in perspective, and has made it hard for me to read any local crime news without wondering how much they’re not telling us.

That being said: the fan in me is disappointed that five seasons is all there is. I’m glad David Simon and company were allowed to tell the stories that deserved to be told, though a September 2012 interview at Salon.com reveals he had more ideas in store and collaborators itching to join him. Unfortunately, no more stories or extensions are forthcoming because America forgot to tune in the first time around.

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Prequelmania Continues in 2013 with “Oz the Great and Powerful”, a.k.a. “Before Munchkins”

I was away from home last week and privy to hotel Internet access of varying strengths ranging from Very Good to Intermittent to Sadly-DSL to Better-Off-Using-the-Unsecured-Hotspot-of-the-Hotel-Next-Door. Unwilling to squander minutes of family quality time on failed attempts at streaming video, I missed out when the rest of America had the chance to view the first trailer for Oz the Great and Powerful, director Sam Raimi’s vision of how Academy Award Nominee James Franco might transform into Academy Award Nominee Frank Morgan with the aid of a hat, a balloon, a storm, and younger, more hygienic versions of the three witches from MacBeth.

For those who likewise missed out:

I’m sure it’s visually stunning, but I may be seeing it alone in theaters. My son prefers L. Frank Baum’s original Oz novels and holds the loose 1939 film adaptation in contempt. He also hated Harry Osborn and thought he should have died much earlier in the Spider-Man series.

I’m mildly curious to see if this prequel can connect the dots without being too derivative. Maybe it’s just me, but writing a prequel sounds even easier than rebooting an existing franchise. Select one character from a previous work whose origin was never explained. Imagine them younger and the exact opposite of what made them famous. Design a simple plot framework that allows them to transform from one state to the other, either in two hours or in six. Add a few new characters to sell toys, plus a few in-jokes that will only be funny to several hundreds of millions of hardcore fans. Presto! Instant beloved prequel with crowded San Diego Comic Con panel. Since prequels don’t yet suffer the same stigmata that sequels and reboots do, generating one seems more prestigious and less unoriginal. For now.

Under the right circumstances, any of the following potential prequels could be coming soon to a theater or Kindle near you:

Harry Potter Origins: James Potter — Once upon a time, Harry Potter’s dad was an individual in his own right. This ten-film prequel series would show how his seven painstaking years at Hogwarts helped him become a heroic student, husband, and father before his noble sacrifice reduced him to a supporting character in his own son’s life, as well as playing second fiddle to his wife Lily, about whom Harry would reminisce much more often. This would be the first of a plethora of Potter prequels, one series for each of the series’ several hundred characters. The final movie in the series, Harry Potter Origins: Colin Creevey, should begin filming by the time original actor Hugh Mitchell turns 80, though his contract will require him to reprise the role as a ten-year-old anyway. This may require some light makeup and a few hundred million in digital effects.

Crib Story — A rousing adventure about the hopes and dreams of the original toys that belonged to two-month-old baby Andy. Returning characters such as Wheezy, Hamm, Bo Peep, and the shark that once borrowed Woody’s hat will be joined by an all-new set of merchandised characters who react poorly when their ranks are joined by an age-inappropriate cowboy doll. Featuring the voices of Jon Hamm as Lots-o-Huggin Bear (a good, uncorrupted one this time), Ke$ha as a Beanie Baby kitty-cat, Patton Oswalt as a really cool sock monkey, the members of One Direction as a bunch of plastic animals dangling from a mobile, Ian McShane as a Fisher Price Corn Popper with a hidden agenda, and Ricky Gervais as a really annoying rattle who keeps trying to steal the movie.

Star Wars Episode Minus-2: the Hopeful Phantom — Why not prequels to prequels? Within five years I predict preprequels will be all the rage. The first chapter of a new trilogy (to be continued in episodes minus-one and zero) will chronicle the life of scrawny Cecil Palpatine, victim of many a bully in Coruscant Elementary School until he orders a self-help pamphlet from an old comic book that teaches him how to be a man, win friends, influence people, and electrocute opponents with his bare hands. A few scant elements will be cherry-picked at random from existing Star Wars Expanded Universe novels; any previous books not referenced in the movie version of Cecil’s story will be rendered instantly non-canonical and allowed to go out of print.

X-Men First Class Origins: Sebastian Shaw — See how a once-heroic man turned into a super-villain, who turned the once-heroic Erik Lensherr into a super-villain, who turned the once-barely-heroic Pyro into a super-villain, who turned some other guy into a super-villain, who went back in time and turned this one other guy into a super-villain, who turned Shaw into a super-villain. Or something. Fans will adore how quickly the movie continuity and timeline become even more convoluted and impenetrable than the original comics’.

God: Days of Genesis Future — All-powerful, everlasting, infinite in existence and consciousness…but what was he like before infinity began? This hypothetical examination will fancy itself an authoritative work in the hands of two Jewish screenwriters, an agnostic director, eight atheist executive producers, an endless parade of inter-faith focus groups who agree on nothing, and a handsome Scientologist starring as The God. For the sake of affirmative action, exactly one token Christian will be allowed on set, a makeup assistant who thinks that listening to Oprah is as good as reading Scripture. In order to avoid an R rating, the movie will be limited to a maximum of 2½ non-swearing uses of the name “Jesus”, though it’ll be a heart-stopping surprise if they even reach 1.

Lord of the Rings: the Silmarillion — No. Please, can we just not?

Pixar to Spend Billions Making 350 Versions of “Monsters U”, One for Each Billy Crystal Ad-Lib

Prefacing Pixar’s Brave this weekend in theaters were four different versions of a new teaser for their next adventure, Monsters University. Moviegoers had the chance to witness one of four versions, each with Billy Crystal voicing a different non sequitur as our hero Mike Wazowski is awakened in the middle of the night so that his roommate Sully can prank him, because of the high hilarity to be found in college-dorm bullying.

The most frequently viewed version according to YouTube stats involves a line about a pony, but this one’s my favorite of the four:

Monsters University is rumored to be a prequel to Pixar’s classic monster movie Monsters Inc. While not confirming that rumor directly with any real detail, Pixar reps insist, “Monsters Inc. fans will be very pleased, especially with the last eight minutes.” Speculation abounds as to whether or not this film will at long last answer the important questions that have lingered over the last eleven years: How was the Monsters’ universe created? Which of the million-plus bedroom doors in the original had a preschool-age Space Jockey standing behind it? Did Boo’s parents freak out while she was missing all those days? Did Mike Wazowski’s race evolve from expired olives?

Monsters University is scheduled for American theatrical release on June 21, 2013. In addition to Crystal, returning voices include John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, former Muppeteer Frank Oz, and Mandatory John Ratzenberger. Newcomers will include Senor Chang from Community, Freddy Rumsen from Mad Men, and animation veteran Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

Comics I’m Not Reading: “Before Watchmen”, the Most-Debated Prequels Since “The Phantom Menace”

I’d like to think it’s possible to hold and express an opinion on this subject without hyperbolic vitriol. The situation, as I understand it, is superficially summarized as follows:

For a quarter of a century, DC has refrained from cranking out excess Watchmen merchandise because Paul Levitz, Action Publisher, allegedly nixed any and all such ideas. Levitz is now retired. Coincidentally, DC just so happens to be cranking out excess Watchmen merchandise, including but not limited to 35 issues’ worth of prequels labeled Before Watchmen, each written and drawn by talented people with whom DC has favorable business relationships. Co-creator Alan Moore has voiced his helpless displeasure publicly, as is de rigueur for him whenever anyone so much as flips through a used copy of one of his past projects, let alone threatens to adapt, reboot, or synthesize new works directly from one. Co-creator Dave Gibbons has given the project a boilerplate blessing, but is neither writing nor drawing any of the 35 issues.

Watchmen was a milestone publication, a seminal work in a medium that’s produced very few positively seminal works in the last ten years. It was a self-contained, self-sufficient work with a beginning, a middle, an end, and all the necessary parts to connect those three sections in a functional, entertaining, thought-provoking, sophisticated, even literary fashion. It neither promised nor required any serialized continuation, any additional volumes in a planned trilogy, or any superfluous world-building for fans who don’t know the meaning of the word “enough”. As with many non-comic books, you didn’t have to read dozens of other books first in order to understand it. In that quality alone it’s become retroactively unique in comparison to today’s average DC comic. Some would prefer the story be allowed to stand as-is, no extensions or rehashes needed.

(Even though last DC’s New 52 relaunch last year was ostensibly in the name of simplifying its shared universe, over half the 52 have now undergone, or are in the middle of, advertised crossover events with each other. The novelty of a self-contained story seems to displease the marketing department and is therefore being left to creator-owned comics that don’t have as much ancillary merchandise to move, or to mass-market novels that outsell comics by a wide margin. For value-added scorecard consternation, their old multiple-Earth concept, previously junked for a new generation when it was determined to be too confusing, is now being unearthed from its mothballed storage and trotted out for an even newer generation, to reuse and reset the stage for new forms of market complication and saturation. “Simple” and “unique” are watchwords no more, if in fact they every sincerely were.)

Others are upset on Alan Moore’s behalf and shun DC for perpetuating his creations without his permission. Setting aside the Charlton Heroes that were the initial, baseline impetus for each of the Watchmen characters (who, once fully realized, became clearly distinguished unto themselves), I’ve found it a curious reaction nonetheless. Of all Marvel’s and DC’s respective dozens of ongoing series of the moment, I’d be surprised if even 1% were written and drawn by any of the characters’ original creators. This has failed to bother the majority of the comics-buying public for decades, unless all those millions of former readers really were that upset when they realized Jack Kirby was never returning to Marvel. Watchmen had a good run when it came to retaining an artistic purity in lieu of being passed on to other hired hands. It kept that status much longer than other intellectual properties generally do.

(Frankly, I won’t be surprised if the Before Watchmen event is followed up with an ongoing Watchmen series that reinterprets the entire milieu as an new alternate Earth in the DC multiverse. I can imagine a DC corporate sect that would really, truly love to replace the iconicity of Watchmen with the interchangeability of any other super-hero comic. Somewhere out there is a fan base that would hand over fistfuls of dough to see pointless fistfights between Batman and Ozymandias, Dr. Manhattan and the Spectre, or the original Silk Spectre and Ma Hunkel. And elsewhere out there is a DC exec who’d love to give it to them. Well, maybe not that last match. I’m sure they’d substitute Wonder Woman and Silk Spectre, and probably add a kiddie pool filled with Jell-O Pudding.)

Still others have rolled their eyes simply at the overwhelming publicity that DC has whipped up to justify the occasion. We have tons of in-house ads, more merchandise coming down the pipeline than ever before, and even a TV commercial. Worst of all, I think, are the discomfiting interviews, such as those cited in Tuesday’s USA Today puff piece. Memorable quotes include:

“The strength of what comics are is building on other people’s legacies and enhancing them and making them even stronger properties in their own right…”

Read: “Sooner or later, everyone has to give up the toys they built and let someone else play with them.” This reminds me of when my cousins would come over to my house, play with my Legos when I wasn’t home, and wreck my hard-constructed houses and vehicles so they could use the pieces to make something much crappier. This situation did not somehow make Legos better, nor would it have helped if someone else had broken their crappy constructs and helped perpetuate a never-ending cycle of toy abuse.

“I’ve written Superman and Batman and the Fantastic Four and the Hulk. Where do I get off saying, ‘You can’t use my characters!’ when I made much of my career using other people’s characters?”

Read: “I’ve broken plenty of other people’s toys before. Why stop now?” If one draws the line here, then one is a hypocrite. No one wants to be called a hypocrite. That’s worse than being called a conservative. Therefore, helping Before Watchmen succeed is a moral imperative! Brilliant!

“Watchmen’s probably the most brilliant mainstream comic-book script ever written, but I think Dave gets way less credit and his voice doesn’t seem to matter in this argument…The artist is the guy whose vision puts that book in your hands. Without the artist, it’s just the script.”

This is similar to the argument used to devalue the contributions of Hollywood screenwriters. I recall an article in the fanzine Amazing Heroes from back in the day that stated Moore’s script for Watchmen was over 100 pages. That’s a little large to be minimized as “just” a script. Gibbons drew it exceptionally well and obviously has a say, but it seems odd that his opinion should weigh more than Moore’s just because he’s avoided any signs of overt negativity about it. Just think, if he had shown the slightest reservation, we’d instead be seeing twice as many interviews with the original colorist and editor, who incidentally are participating in this. If all of them had both bowed out acrimoniously, I imagine DC would’ve hunted down anyone who did art corrections or handled color plates, until sooner or later Before Watchmen would receive a public thumbs-up and some street cred from any live creature they could legally proclaim as “one of the original creators”. As opposed to batty ol’ whatshisname across the pond who just did some light typing and thought the Question should have a different mask.

“While Watchmen has made a bunch of ‘best of’ lists in the mainstream, the book itself is mostly iconic only in comic-book circles…I don’t believe these characters mean much to the ‘normal’ people who recognize Spider-Man or Batman or the Hulk. But the 30-somethings who have left the hobby behind? They’ll be intrigued enough to possibly hit the local comic store.”

If they still have a comic shop in their area. And if today’s cover prices don’t induce sticker shock compared to Watchmen‘s original $1.50 per issue. And if no one tells them that their former hero Alan Moore (“Ohhh, yeah, the Swamp Thing and Miracleman guy! Dude, he was GREAT!”) had nothing to do with this.

“There are some people who are drawing a line in the sand saying, ‘I’m not going to buy any sort of Watchmen prequel, especially since Alan Moore is disapproving of it…But it will be very difficult for some of these hard-line purists to ignore a new Darwyn Cooke book on the shelf they don’t have. While they’re saying one thing, these books are going to be going home with people.”

I don’t hate Darwyn Cooke, but I’m not a hardcore fan, either. The New Frontier didn’t do much for me as a non-fan of DC’s Silver Age, and I found his take on Will Eisner’s The Spirit irritating in its reliance on PG profanities that the original stories never needed. Regardless of my minority opinion, if those prodigal thirtysomethings have been AWOL for that long, then they probably have no idea who he is and won’t care about his name on the covers.

In general, I’m not furious that Before Watchmen exists. I’m just not in a position to care for it.

The writers and artists involved each range from pretty talented to extremely talented, but none of them are on my ever-dwindling buy-on-sight mental list. I’m no longer the kind of reader who follows favorite characters regardless of whether they’re in the hands of geniuses or hacks. And despite whatever unanswered questions Watchmen might have held or inspired, none of them pique my curiosity. But for me, Watchmen is over and done.

Even more importantly, even if I wanted to succumb to the temptation of Lee Bermejo drawing a mean Rorschach, at this point in my life a 35-comic event is beyond my budget and interest level. I’m not exactly running out of comics to collect right now. My new-comics list this week is eight strong. Of those, two are Marvel, one is DC, and five are neither. That’s how my tastes are running these days. With one exception, I’m not reading any crossovers this year, indulging in any line-wide events, or actively acquiring any new encyclopedic knowledge about what passes for continuity in the Marvel or DC universes. I stopped following all the X-books and most Avengers titles years ago, and in recent months I’ve dropped many New 52 titles as a result of unwanted crossovers. I still have plenty of smaller, self-contained monthly works from Image and other publishers to keep me going (in addition to a scant handful of Big Two), to say nothing of the shameful backlog of unread books and graphic novels I keep amassing and slowly whittling down as free time permits. I’m not interested in cutting other titles or ignoring other purchases to make room for something as mammoth as Before Watchmen. Partial participation is no good, either — every issue will contain part of a serial that only makes sense if you buy into the whole shebang. Those pages will be wasted on me, as will whatever other sneaky connections the books will have between them to ensure their readers are overcome with the urge for completism. Such is the DC way.

It’s not like I’m renouncing Watchmen forever. My Absolute Watchmen oversized hardcover super-special edition remains on the shelf for the occasional revisit. If someone wants to play in that same playground, that’s up to them, but I’m not required by law to watch.