I FINALLY SAW “MAD MAX FURY ROAD”! BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT! I SAW IT IN 3-D BECAUSE THAT WAS THE NEXT SHOWING! I THINK THE GLASSES MADE THE EXPLOSIONS LOUDER! AND THEN IT TOOK ME FOUR HOURS TO WIND DOWN! DON’T EVEN ASK ME HOW MANY STUNTS I PULLED ON THE DRIVE HOME! AT LEAST ONE! DON’T TELL MY WIFE!

WHAT IT’S ABOUT! FILM NUMBER FOUR HAS LESS WATER AND GAS THAN EVER, BUT CARS ARE STILL A THING! BANE PLAYS MEL GIBSON AND TALKS LESS THAN HE DID! A BAD GUY FROM THE FIRST “MAD MAX” IS A DIFFERENT GUY BUT BADDER AND MADDER! YOUNG BEAST FROM THE LAST TWO “X-MEN” IS A STRUNG-OUT ACOLYTE WHO TRIES AND FAILS AND THEN TRIES DIFFERENTLY! AND CHARLIZE THERON’s IMPERATOR FURIOSA IS GREATEST OF ALL AS A HERO RESCUER! IT’S A TWO-HOUR CHASE SCENE TO GET FROM NIGHTMARE TO PARADISE, LIKE “CANNONBALL RUN” EXCEPT NO ONE JOKES AND DOM DELUISE WANTS YOU DEAD!

HEY, WOW, PEOPLE! FURIOSA’S POSSE INCLUDES FAMOUS DAUGHTER ZOE KRAVITZ AND MARK WAHLBERG’S “TRANSFORMERS 4” DAUGHTER! YOUNG BEAST IS BEST FRIENDS WITH YOUNG STRYKER! BUT THE REAL FIND OF 2015 IS AN AUSTRALIAN PERFORMER NAMED “iOTA” WHO PLAYS THE APOCALYPSE’S LAST, FIERCEST GUITARIST! HIS AXE SHOOTS FIRE! NOT FAKE COMPUTER FIRE! ACTUAL FIERY FIRE! RAAAWWWK!

EXPLOSIONS OR MEANING? AFTER THE APOCALYPSE, MEN INVENT WAYS TO TREAT WOMEN EVEN WORSE! MAX ALSO TREATS THEM LIKE DIRT BECAUSE OF TRAUMA, BUT THEN HE DOESN’T! THEY BOTH HAVE ISSUES! THEY MOVE ON LIKE ADULTS! THEY ACCEPT ADVICE! THEY TAKE TURNS SAVING EACH OTHER! WOMEN AND MEN, WORKING TOGETHER! MASS HYSTERIA! UNDER THE GRIME, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE HOPEFUL FUTURES WHERE NOMINAL EQUALITY LEADS TO TEAMWORK AND HAPPY ENDINGS DESPITE THE LACK OF INDOOR PLUMBING!

AND ALL THIS APOCALYPSE COULD BE OURS UNLESS WE SAVE WATER AND MAKE DIFFERENT CARS, AND MAKE THOSE DIFFERENT CARS FASTER THAN TURTLES! IF THOSE DIFFERENT CARS COULD ALSO BE BUYABLE BY NOT-RICH PEOPLE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT AND INFINITELY MORE BENEFICIAL TO MANKIND!

BUT MOSTLY THE MOVIE IS EXPLOSIONS! EXPLOSIONS! EXPLOSIONS! CARS, TRUCKS, CYCLES, ROCKS, PEOPLE, AND MORE! IF IT’S A SOLID OBJECT, IT CAN GO BOOM! IF IT MOVES, IT CAN MOVE FASTER AND GO BOOM EVEN LOUDER! THE WORLD IS IN CONSTANT MOTION LIKE THE WORLD OF TODAY, AND RELAXATION KILLS! IT’S LIKE THIS ONE TIME WE WALKED INTO THE PORT AUTHORITY AT RUSH HOUR AND HUNDREDS OF SPEEDING PEDESTRIANS NEARLY WALKED US TO DEATH!

THAT DOESN’T MEAN NO ONE CAN TALK! MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION IS HELD WHILE DRIVING, WHILE REPAIRING, WHILE WAITING ON REPAIRING, AND WHILE RESTING FOR MOMENTS BETWEEN DRIVING AND REPAIRING! WE’RE NOT IN SCENIC MICHAEL BAY CITY TODAY!

BAD PARTS? EVERYONE BRINGS INFINITE GAS, BUT NO ONE USES IT AND NO ONE RUNS OUT! ALSO, SOME BAD GUYS ARE HARDER TO UNDERSTAND THAN BANE IN “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”! WHEN YOUR SCRIPT HAS VERY FEW LINES, TRY NOT TO MAKE TOO MANY OF THEM SOUND LIKE “MUMBLEDY MUMBLEDY RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”

WAS IT EXCELLENT OR AWESOME? I GUESS IT WAS OKAY. BY WHICH I MEAN, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE OTHER STUDIOS ARE STILL RELEASING FILMS THIS SUMMER! YOUR JOB IS DONE! THE SEASON HAS BEEN WON! THE FASTEST AND THE FURIOSA ARE HERE! THE INGENIOUS PRACTICAL STUNTS AND THE MAD IDEAS AND DESIGNS (THANKS IN PART TO CO-WRITER AND COMICS ARTIST BRENDAN MCCARTHY, WHO DRAWS AND THINKS EXACTLY LIKE THIS MOVIE LOOKS) AND THE GRIPPING PERFORMANCES AND THE GLIMMERS OF HEROISM AND MORALITY LESSONS AND OUTLANDISH FUTURE COSTUMES AND WORLD’S GREATEST DEMOLITION DERBIES AND…I’M SORRY, IF THERE’S MORE NEEDED HERE, I CAN’T THINK OF IT! AND BEAR IN MIND I RARELY SEE 3-D SHOWINGS, SO MY PERCEPTIONS MAY BE EXPERIENCING SOME SIDE EFFECTS!

…

…in conclusion: Mad Max: Fury Road. In theaters now. It’s really super big. Thank you.

END CREDIT STUFF? NOPE! BUT IT’S COOL TO SEE PROMINENT CREDITS FOR FOUR MAIN STUNT PEOPLE, AND A NOD TO “ADDITIONAL GUITAR BY NICK ZINNER” MADE ME SMILE BECAUSE I LOVE THE IDEA THAT THE GUY FROM THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE STUPENDOUS FLAMING GUITAR RAWK!