The unwilling special guest from our April Fools 2013 entry is still not amused.

Yes, Americans, it’s that time of year again. April Fools Day is back and still not abolished. That special day you’ll spend trusting no one, suspecting every good deed, indulging every paranoia, checking every inanimate object twice for spring-loaded traps, fasting to avoid surprise hot sauce or rat poison, narrowing your eyes at every internet headline and wondering which spawn of The Onion will be the one to catch you off-guard, damage your calm, and embarrass you in front of cute people. We here at MCC tried to warn you last year, and yet here you are again, trying to live through April Fools like a stubborn mule. I just don’t get you.

But would you at least take some precautions? You’ll feel much better about your day if you quash someone else’s pranks, dodge a few attempted pratfalls, and skip over your favorite news site’s fake headlines. With your sanity in check and your anxieties unprovoked, you’ll be cackling and preening while those annoying little rascals starve without the site traffic. Someone ought to teach them a lesson, so I’m dumping all the burden on you.

From the home office in Indianapolis, IN: Top 10 April 1st Headlines to Skip for Your Own Good!

10. Obama Extends Open Enrollment Deadline to 2017, Solemnly Swears “And That’s FINAL”

9. Cash-Strapped BBC Replaces Peter Capaldi as Twelfth Doctor with Swedish Bikini Model

8. Flight MH370 Found on Island with Smoke Monster, Stuck in Crappy Flash-Forward Scene

7. Hasbro Repents of Its Sins, Shelves “Transformers 4” Indefinitely

6. Stephen Colbert Bows to #CancelColbert Twitter Annoyance, Quits Show to Join “Navy NCIS”

5. “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland” Cancellation Mourned at All

4. Democrats, Republicans Merge into Single Mega-Party to Combat Growing Indifferentarian Menace

3. You Will Totally Believe What Believable Thing This Believable Person Did So Believably

2. NCAA Expands to “Final Five” as Shameless Ratings Stunt, Allows Duke Back into Playoffs

And the number one April 1st Headline to Skip for Your Own Good

1. “How I Met Your Mother” Series Finale is Part One of 36-Part CBS Universe Crossover Event