In the wake of recent conflicting headlines regarding the revolving-door employment status of its longtime participants, ABC’s The View announced a new initiative to move forward into a bold new era by hiring Internet sensation Tardar Sauce, star of the massively popular “Grumpy Cat” meme, as new co-host to represent for furry, nonhuman, and hatemonger minorities. The arguably photogenic Ms. Sauce will replace outgoing co-host Joy Behar and has sinister plans to drive out the three survivors until none remain. ABC executives are on board with this dramatic plan in hopes of boosting viewership in the precious young-adult-male demographic from its current double-digit negative ratings share.

Viewers who were Grumpy Cat fans before Grumpy Cat was cool are cordially invited to share her official site or her official Facebook page with bandwagon jumpers to show how superior you are to them, even though she hates you and newcomers equally.

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On a related note, it’s a safe bet that Ms. Sauce would not wish a happy April 1st to all countries that quote-unquote “celebrate” the tradition of April Fools Day, when half the people you know turn into merry pranksters (one or two of them may even be funny), and Internet news sites become totally unreliable for twenty-four hours because odds are tremendous that one or all or the headlines will be a hoax. If you’re not mentally prepared to distrust everything you read, Monday online will be a harsh environment for you.

For those keeping tabs on such things, Google jumped the starter pistol and launched its April 1st contribution a few hours early (from my time zone’s standpoint, anyway) with the introduction of Google Nosa Beta. (If you’re reading this a few days late and the link is broken, my sincere apologies for the inconvenience. You didn’t miss out on that much.)

Much as I’d love to scout for other examples or share handy defensive tips for preparing yourself for the onslaught of whimsy, I’m too busy stocking up my own private news-proof panic room where the Internet can’t get me till midnight, April 2nd. Save yourselves!