America’s sweethearts! Live before a transfixed audience with or without lockdown orders.

If you’ve opened an internet device within the past two months, chances are you’ve been inundated with discussions, arguments, and most importantly nonstop headlines about the latest Disney+ series to mesmerize the nation, Marvel’s WandaVision. Thanks to the pandemic this nine-episode miniseries is the first new Marvel Cinematic Universe story we’ve been allowed to watch since Spider-Man: Far From Home was released in theaters, if you can remember those from your childhood. Picking up the pieces of Avengers: Endgame and everything that led up to it…well, I could assume you’re not watching it and need me to summarize its premise, but will it help? Will this make it more tempting to you? Now that the MCU is bogged down in a dozen years of its own increasingly insular continuity, take it on faith my rinky-dink one-man site is not the set of buggy steps you’d need to hop on board this bandwagon.

Nevertheless, WandaVision fever is sweeping the nation faster than that other, deadlier joykilling fever that’s been all the rage over the past year. Everyone loves WandaVision so much that WandaVision news, reviews, rumors, and contrived WandaVision bloviations are now a cottage industry unto themselves, particularly on geek news sites that thrive on new content including but not limited to speculative prattle about geek products that people are actually consuming and enjoying en masse, as opposed to the poorly selling comic books that made them possible. Try Googling any topic today and the first five search results will tell you how that topic relates to WandaVision. Day or night, geeks or norms, social media or niche sites, everything’s coming up WandaVision, WandaVision, WandaVision.

Want to know more? No? Too bad! That’s all you’re allowed to read about this week, which leads up to the WandaVision finale on Friday in the middle of the night, as opposed to a sane prime-time hour like literally every single classic sitcom referenced by the show so far. Every service, every feed, every page is choking with WandaVision tie-in material, from scholarly deep dives to the most gratuitous name-checks under the flimsiest premises. Enclosed below is a mere sampling of the game-non-changing quote-unquote “journalism” that could be in store for you this week if you insist on remaining online for some weird reason unrelated to WandaVision.

Thus is the state of potential WandaVision discourse in today’s headlines:

• So You Tried Watching “WandaVision” Without Watching All 23 Films First, You Trespassing Poseur
• Will There Be a “WandaVision” Sequel? We Paid a Dude Five Bucks to Churn Out 850 Words That Could’ve Just Been Replaced with a Shrug Emoji
• The 17 Best “WandaVision” Spoilers From Our Own Headlines
• Some Redditor Spent 10 Minutes in PhotoShop Making a Vision for Every Color of the Rainbow
• The Scarlet Witch Is Neither Scarlet Nor a Witch. Discuss.
• Marvel’s Magical Women Ranked by Hotness As Drawn by the Worst 1990s Comics Artists
• 6 Crackpot Theories Why You Can’t Spell “WandaVision” Without “Davis”
• Teyonah Parris’ Great Performance in “WandaVision” Gave Us Our 1,000th Excuse for a Screed About How the Captain Marvel Movie Sucked
• The 200 Funniest #WandaVision Tweets: It’s Cool How We Can Embed All These Here Without Paying Anyone for Content
• Why Did We Spread the False Rumor About How the Last Three Episodes Would Be Hour-Long? Blame Trump.
• Why Was Emma Caulfield From “Buffy” in the First Few Episodes? Here Are 76 Bad Guys She Might Be Playing
• 210 Sitcom Easter Eggs in “WandaVision”, Plus We Helpfully Copied-and-Pasted All Their Wikipedia Entries Here for Reference
• How “WandaVision” Is the Deepest Depiction of Grief in All of History, by a College Kid Who Hated Books and Movies Before the MCU
• 650 Best Things About Kathryn Hahn’s Character
• How Every Series That Guest-Starred Kathryn Hahn Jumped the Shark After She Left
• “Firefly”, “Westworld”, and 323 Other TV Shows That Would’ve Been Better If They’d Starred Kathryn Hahn
• How to Make Your Own Cardboard Kathryn Hahn Standee to Sit Next to You in Zoom Meetings
• Here Are Some Words That Rhyme with “Kathryn Hahn”
• We Typed Kathryn Hahn’s Name 100 Times into an A.I. Algorithm and It Calculated the Cure for Cancer
• The Black Guy from “WandaVision”: What Did He Think of Kathryn Hahn?
• Speaking of “WandaVision”, Here’s Our “2 Broke Girls” Episode Guide Everyone Ignored the First Time We Posted It
• All You Losers Slept on Dick Van Dyke for Decades: A Millennial Influencer’s Adorable Explainer
• We’re Pretty Funny for Still Calling Agent Woo “Asian Jim”, Prove Us Wrong
• 9 Comic Book Movie Fan Sites That Will Give “WandaVision” an ‘F’ If Mephisto, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, the Marvel Netflix Heroes AND Spider-Ham Aren’t All in the Finale

In conclusion: WandaVision! Have some WandaVision wherever you shop, work, worship, or bank. WandaVision, won’t you?