“You want one of these so bad? Go make a movie that doesn’t suck, you lazy bum.”
The 89th Academy Awards began in style with Justin Timberlake singing or possibly lip-syncing his big Trolls single “Can’t Stop the Feeling”, but ended with all the feelings at cross-purposes when final presenters Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty — reunited fifty years after Bonnie & Clyde lost to In the Heat of the Night — made Oscar telecast history by inadvertently announcing La La Land as the winner when in fact the name printed on their card was Moonlight. La La producer Justin Horowitz broke the news when, after their speech time had already begun, he approached the mic and tried to re-announce the award. At first the audience thought he was just being humble and demurring. Then everyone realized he was serious and extremely classy as he held the card up for the cameras to see. Much confusion and Twitter quips about “fake news” ensued till things were confirmed and the Moonlight team tentatively took the stage and took their turn at thank-yous.
Between those memorable moments, ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel hosted in an effort to drum up business for his own show by bringing in his own bits such as “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets”, practical jokes, his Matt Damon feud, and I couldn’t tell you what else because I’ve never watched his show unless tonight’s Oscars telecast counted as an episode of it.
The following movies won the awards, from most to any-at-all:
La La Land: 6 — Director (Damien Chazelle), Actress (Emma Stone), Song (“City of Stars”), Cinematography, Original Score, Production Design
Moonlight: 3 — Picture, Supporting Actor (Mahershala Ali), Adapted Screenplay
Manchester by the Sea: 2 — Actor (Casey Affleck), Original Screenplay
Hacksaw Ridge: 2 — Film Editing, Sound Mixing
Arrival: Sound Editing
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Costume Design
Fences: Supporting Actress (Viola Davis)
The Jungle Book: Visual Effects
OJ: Made in America: Documentary Feature
The Salesman: Foreign Language Film
Suicide Squad: Makeup and Hairstyling
Zootopia: Animated Feature Film
Piper: Animated Short Film
Sing (Mendinki): Live-Action Short Film
The White Helmets: Documentary Short Film
Major (or “major”) nominees that walked out empty handed: Captain Fantastic, Deepwater Horizon, Florence Foster Jenkins, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, Jackie, Kubo and the Two Strings, Lion, The Lobster, Moana, Nocturnal Animals, Rogue One, Silence, Twentieth Century Women.
Yeo, it’s real, unlike the thousands of meme-copies it’s spawned in the last hour.
For your entertainment and time code follow-along, enclosed below are the results of my live-tweeting the 230-minute ceremony, which was still six minutes shorter than Gone with the Wind. I started early in the day as a warmup, mostly skipped the red carpet prologue, then tuned in and waited to see what would happen next:
Midlife Crisis Crossover! 