President Obama’s Top 10 Secret Winning ISIL Strategies

President Barack Obama!

Our Commander-in-Chief gears up for conflict as part of Operation: Desert Suavé.

The past several years have not been America’s best in the realm of foreign policy. All that never-ending awkwardness, tension, and/or bitter feuding wasn’t exactly alleviated this week when President Barack Obama delivered a special address Wednesday night outlining our military’s proposed strategies for tackling the Eastern-Hemisphere forces of ISIL or ISIS or whatever this week’s code-acronym is for headline news’ newest bad guys.

Depending on where you stand with him and/or this escalating conflict, the speech was either too long, too short, too detailed, too vague, too overdue, or too Obama and you’re not listening no matter what LALALALALALALALA. Rest assured, our President and his speechwriters know better than to provide sensitive information to all listeners equally. We three hundred million onlookers will never know the full story behind all the extensive plans being concocted and implemented by our top officials, officers, politicians, diplomats, advisers, think-tankers, and other various hangers-on with useful knowledge or arsenals at the ready. Whatever they’re coming up with, the best we can do is hope it doesn’t blow up in our faces like an explosive cigar from a third-world novelty factory.

This realization, then, begs a question. Given that his speech was merely a superficial overview to assure Americans that they do indeed have concrete plans afoot, even if they can’t share blueprints or instruction booklets with us; assuming they aren’t just trying to save face and feign confidence in the face of roiling international controversy; knowing that the U.S. hasn’t exactly been scoring A-pluses in overseas negotiations over the past several years; I ask, then, because I can’t possibly be the only one who wants to know: What does Obama really have in mind here? How much is he not allowed to tell us, either to withhold info from enemy hands or to forestall embarrassment at the parts that might not work?

From the Home Office in Indianapolis, Indiana: President Obama’s Top 10 Secret Winning ISIL Strategies:

10. Send in the surviving Expendables with all the explosives and steroids they can carry

9. Tantalize and tempt them to our side with with sultry promises of affordable healthcare

8. Book them all as contestants on season two of Utopia; let self-loathing destroy them from within.

7. Pay top scientists billions to invent Dr. Manhattan

6. Invade Iraq again. Works every time.

5. Ask Chris Pratt to go hang out with them until his magical awesomeness creates peace talks

4. Ban all their favorite rated-M video games

3. Announce “And now the Republicans will tell you more about our great plan!” then hide under podium till 2017

2. For every fighter who’s caught or surrenders, we release another Star Wars Episode VII spoiler photo

And President Obama’s Number One Secret Winning ISIL Strategy:

1. Omega-level double-secret triple-dog-dare super-duper-sanctions!


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