Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

It’s that time again! The Indiana State Fair is an annual celebration of Hoosier pride, farming, food, and 4-H, with amusement park rides and big-ticket concerts by musicians that other people love. My wife and I attend each year as a date-day to seek new forms of creativity and imagination within a local context.

In our previous episode I touched on the variety of shows and competitions happening around the fairgrounds. One of the events we usually miss is the annual Celebrity Milking Contest. In this context the “celebrities” are local personalities unfamiliar to anyone living outside Indianapolis and to some of us lifelong citizens. We’d only watched the contest once before, a few years ago when the winner was the then-governor’s wife. Sure, they may not be movie stars or even YouTube headliners, but how often do we have the chance to watch cow-milking competitions? Besides, it was free.

Our MacGuffin, the cow. So calm and unflappable. She spent the entire time eating, standing, and ignoring us all.

In the next stall over was the youngest audience member, a calf born earlier in the week.

Our MC, who never introduced himself. He kept his stage banter light and his dairy-related puns overflowing.

First contestant: Terri Stacy, reporter for WIBC (AM 1070, sports/talk), praying for a milking blessing. Unfortunately, she came in last place, having extracted the least amount of milk from the cow.

Local DJ Kevin Freeman (WFMS 95.5, Country music) pours out his just-okay results into the official measuring cup.

Also redeeming himself: Scott Hillman, head coach for the Indy Fuel, our city’s brand new minor-league hockey team. His presence helped bring awareness of this new sports franchise, and tipped us off to something we didn’t know: apparently our previous team the Indianapolis Ice disbanded years ago. So now we know.

Michael Henrich, on-the-scene reporter for local Fox affiliate WXIN 59, is shocked — SHOCKED! — at what goes on in the secret world of Big Milking.

All of these folks tasted rich, creamery defeat at the hands of this year’s winner — Alyssa Garnett, our 2014 Indiana State Fair Queen. She may have been new to the world of local fame, but she’s no stranger to agriculture. She was the only contestant whose results passed the two-cup mark and left several uncaught ounces splashing onto the surrounding hay in triumph.

Mandatory group shot where everyone congratulates each other and recognizes that it’s all in good fun. Other than these keen collectible ribbons, I’m not even sure there were any prizes at stake, nary a promise of MOOlah.

To be continued!

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Other chapters in this MCC miniseries:

Part One: The Year in Food
Part Two: Normal-Gator vs. Manasaurus
Part Four: Geek Handicraft
Part Five: Random Acts of State-Fairing