Top 10 Most Shocking Surprises in Puppy Bowl XII

Puppy Bowl XII!It’s that time again! On Sunday 99% of America will be watching Super Bowl 50 and joking about how calling it “Super Bowl L” would’ve made the whole thing sound too Kryptonian. Meanwhile, we eclectic 1% have our own viewing plans: the twelfth annual Puppy Bowl! The geniuses at Animal Planet once again acknowledge that people like me exist and counterprogram for our tastes with a repeated two-hour pretend-competitive event in which a bunch of animals frolic and gambol with a bunch of other animals, and the announcer and referee each take turns making the worst puns of the year. Puppy Bowl is mostly a dog’s field, but other animals such as cats, hamsters, and even penguins have assumed roles at times in this increasingly diverse production.

As is our custom, we here at Midlife Crisis have dinner plans that night in an empty restaurant with no TV. Before our big date, rest assured we’ll be tuning in for Puppy Bowl XII even though we’ve convinced ourselves we already know what the showrunners are planning to unleash that’ll really shake up this year’s judgment-free dog show.

Right this way for the list!

Top 10 Signs “Puppy Bowl” Has Jumped the Shark

Puppy Bowl X, Animal Planet

Blatant corporate sponsorship is the least of Puppy Bowl’s worries.

Some of us cantankerous contrarians don’t spend Super Bowl Sunday drinking, partying, enjoying sports, or watching expensive commercials starring strippers. Animal Planet has carved itself a healthy, annual counterprogramming niche with its beloved Puppy Bowl, a repeating, two-hour pageant of puppies frolicking on a doggy-sized football field, competing over fuzzy toys, and listening to a human referee recite painful doggy puns aimed at the channel’s coveted grade-school viewer demographic. It’s predictable, lovable, huggable, non-sports comfort food.

At least, it was.

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Angry Puppy Bowl IX Spectator Demands Answers, Territorial Rights, Attention

Like many a family, my wife, my son, and I have our annual Super Bowl traditions. Your family’s traditions may involve alcohol, catering, betting, snacking, TV commercial reviews, party invitations, and sports. Ours, not really. On Super Bowl Sunday, every restaurant in town without a TV in its dining area is deserted from 6 p.m. to at least 10 p.m. We take advantage and go seclude ourselves someplace nice. usually having the whole joint to ourselves. Last year we tried a new Asian place down the road that was entirely deserted except for the waitstaff, who just didn’t get us and didn’t seem in the mood to cook or serve to their full potential. This year we returned to Bynum’s Steakhouse, our refuge from Super Bowl XLV two years ago. Much more acceptable.

Also part of our family tradition: catching a few minutes of Puppy Bowl, Animal Planet’s idea of Big Game counterprogramming. If you’re not entertained by the sight of muscular millionaires pounding on each other for a few seconds at a time in between montages of really expensive TV commercials, then perhaps you might prefer the sight of animals frolicking in a fuzzy play area while an unseen announcer and a referee impersonator provide fake context saturated with horrible puns and nearly as much product placement as the real Big Game.

However, one dissenting member of our household is not a Puppy Bowl fan:

Lucky, Puppy Bowl IX viewer

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