It’s that time again! On Sunday 99% of America will be watching Super Bowl 50 and joking about how calling it “Super Bowl L” would’ve made the whole thing sound too Kryptonian. Meanwhile, we eclectic 1% have our own viewing plans: the twelfth annual Puppy Bowl! The geniuses at Animal Planet once again acknowledge that people like me exist and counterprogram for our tastes with a repeated two-hour pretend-competitive event in which a bunch of animals frolic and gambol with a bunch of other animals, and the announcer and referee each take turns making the worst puns of the year. Puppy Bowl is mostly a dog’s field, but other animals such as cats, hamsters, and even penguins have assumed roles at times in this increasingly diverse production.
As is our custom, we here at Midlife Crisis have dinner plans that night in an empty restaurant with no TV. Before our big date, rest assured we’ll be tuning in for Puppy Bowl XII even though we’ve convinced ourselves we already know what the showrunners are planning to unleash that’ll really shake up this year’s judgment-free dog show.
From the home office in Indianapolis, IN: Top 10 Most Shocking Surprises in Puppy Bowl XII:
10. Inspiring flyover by the Goodboy Blimp
9. Rowlf’s piano rendition of “The Star-Spangled Bowser”
8. 4K picture quality now lets you read the tiny sponsor stickers on their collars
7. Pregame speech by tearful Animal Planet CEO begging Congress to rule against cable-TV unbundling
6. Color commentary by Terrier Bradshaw and Cris Colliesworth
5. U2 halftime show drags on for three hours
4. Constant ads for terrible new sitcom Big Bark Theory
3. Sad dog named Androol Lucky won’t stop playing dead
2. World premiere of new trailer for Captain Americat: Kibble War
And the number one most shocking surprise in Puppy Bowl XII:
1. Beyoncé ditches Super Bowl, brings her shih tzu in to play, boosts ratings into triple digits