“Possibility #1: 12 Years a Slave wins Best Picture. Possibility #2: you’re all racists.”

Thus did host Ellen DeGeneres conclude her ten-minute opening monologue for the 86th Academy Awards — possibly not as safe and innocuous as the producers might’ve hoped, but not likely to inspire internet firestorms on Monday morning, either. Of all the nominees, three films walked away with the most awards, most of them unsurprising to anyone who kept up with the discussions to any degree. I’d guess Best Original Screenplay probably ruined the most Oscar pools this time around.

The following movies won the awards, from most to any-at-all:

Gravity: 7 — Director (Alfonso Cuaron), Editing, Cinematography, Visual Effects, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Score

12 Years a Slave: 3 — Picture, Supporting Actress (Lupita Nyong’o), Adapted Screenplay (John Ridley)

Dallas Buyers Club: 3 — Actor (Matthew McConaughey), Supporting Actor (Jared Leto), Makeup & Hairstyling

Frozen: 2 — Animated Feature, Original Song (“Let It Go”)

The Great Gatsby: 2 — Production Design, Costume Design (both by Catherine Martin, wife of director Baz Luhrmann)

Her: 1 — Original Screenplay (writer/director Spike Jonze)

Blue Jasmine: 1 — Actress (Cate Blanchett)

20 Feet from Stardom: 1 — Documentary Feature

The Great Beauty: 1 — Foreign Language Film

Shorts winners: the stop-motion steampunk of “Mr. Hublot” (Animated); the CG-dreamworld of “Helium” (Live-Action); and the Holocaust-themed “The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life” (Documentary).

Major nominees that walked out empty-handed: American Hustle; August: Osage County; Captain Phillips; Nebraska; Philomena; The Wolf of Wall Street.

Total awards that matched my votes: 12. Frankly, I’m shocked. A 50% success rate may be an all-time high for me, and/or a sign of how foregone this year’s results were.

Total montages: 10, most of which revolved around this year’s theme of “Heroes”. The concept was stretched thinly enough to include pretty much any and all kinds of protagonists.

Total standing ovations: at least 8, probably more.

Total winners orchestra’d offstage: 3, but they were all “little people” in the eyes of the producers.

Total gratuitous musical numbers: 1 (see below).

Total dance numbers not included in an Original Song performance: 0. Yay!

Best running gag: Ellen offering to order pizza for the first few rows. I timed each segment, and she didn’t drag out the ceremony by that much more.

Worst running gag: Ellen taking selfies, even getting other actors in on it. NO. PLEASE JUST STOP. SELFIES ARE OVER, CITIZENS OF EARTH.

…

Most memorable moments (not a complete rundown of every single thing that happened):

8:40 — Anne Hathaway presents Best Supporting Actor in a dress made of husks harvested from free-range disco balls. Moments later, winner Jared Leto is permitted to deliver three different speeches back-to-back with nary a peep from the orchestra.

8:50 — Pharrell Williams sings the ebullient “Happy” while wearing the hat of R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket. Williams serenades the front row in their faces and convinces Amy Adams to dance with him for a split-second.

9:02 — While the family of Harrison Ford is held hostage in a remote location, Ford himself is forced to read a pretentiously fawning Best Picture nominee introduction that might’ve sounded sincere if it had been assigned to Ryan Seacrest. Ford summons the same level of enthusiasm and joie de vivre that he brought to the narration for Blade Runner. Never has the phrase “a riveting and raucous ride” been read aloud with such uncomfortable contempt.

9:10 — Matthew McConaughey gamely shares presenting duties for the two animation awards with Vertigo costar Kim Novak, whose noticeable plastic surgery results are a persuasive argument against the entire concept.

9:30 — While introducing Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis to present the other two shorts awards, for some reason Ellen has a guitar and no joke to go with it. Something was missing from this picture, but we may never know what.

9:35 — One of the two most emotional displays of gratitude toward God is displayed by Darlene Love, costar of 20 Feet from Stardom, who concludes the filmmakers’ acceptance moment by bringing down the house with a few lines from a hymn called “His Eye is on the Sparrow”.

10:02 — Forgotten Fruitvale Station star Michael B. Jordan announces his consolation prize: he got to hang out with Kristen Bell for an evening. One condition: they had to co-host the annual Sci-Tech awards banquet. Winners included a guy who improved remote-control helicopter tech; a guy who found a better way to flip cars; someone who made strides in CG something-or-other; and — not making this up — there was a special award to All The Film Editors Ever, accepted on their behalf by one-time editor Christopher Nolan (Following).

10:06 — Winner of Worst Pun of the Evening goes to the one of Gravity‘s sound mixers, who concluded his thanks with, “We’re over the moon.”

10:25 — Bill Murray tells co-presenter Amy Adams she looks like “146 million domestic”, gives a shout-out to the late Harold Ramis, and refers to the Best Cinematography category as “Best Shooter”.

10:32 — The producers insert an arbitrary salute to the 75th anniversary of the film adaptation of The Wizard of Oz with a performance by Pink of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. Presumably other musical numbers that were cut at the last second included Blake Shelton crooning the theme from John Ford’s Stagecoach, Imagine Dragons rocking out over Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and Drake dropping hard wisdom about Gone with the Wind.

10:53 — The annual In Memoriam montage is unfortunately packed with 47 names in all, and will surely be up on YouTube sometime Monday. The Applause-o-Meter registers feebly for first entrant James Gandolfini, then is unplugged for the other 46. For those who’ve been following the Sarah Elizabeth Jones story, she wasn’t among the 47; instead, after Bette Midler’s one hundred thousandth performance of “The Wind Beneath My Wings”, a banner ad directed interested viewers to the official Oscars site for the late Ms. Jones’ tribute.

11:16 — Best Original Song is accepted by “Let It Go” married co-writers Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, whose clever, bouncy, back-‘n’-forth spoken-word duet contains more intentional rhymes than any other Oscar speech in history. Expect to see a lot more of them in future awards ceremonies.

11:26 — Upon winning Best Original Screenplay, a flustered Spike Jonze imagines that all the people he’s thanking are onstage as well, gathering around presenters Robert DeNiro and Penelope Cruz, perhaps even haunting them in their dreams tonight.

11:32 — Some Oscars telecast producer was so certain that Steve McQueen would win for Best Director, they bestowed presenting duties upon Angelina Jolie (wife of 12 Years producer/costar Brad Pitt) and the Sidney Poitier. The great historical moment they imagined in their heads is ruined when Alfonso Cuaron wins for Gravity. I like to think they all met up later for dinner instead.

11:41 — Best Actress goes to Blue Jasmine‘s Cate Blanchett, whose two-hour speech is relatively short by this category’s usual standards. This is absolutely forgivable because it ends with well-deserved potshots against feeble-minded studio execs who don’t think audiences can handle substantial female-driven films anymore.

11:48 — Best Actor goes to Matthew McConaughey, who delivers the night’s other major display of gratitude toward God. His speech may have been longer than Blanchett’s, but he also credited his family and his future self. Long story.

11:55 — Will Smith presents Best Picture to 12 Years. Producer Brad Pitt is allowed to speak before director Steve McQueen does.

12:04 — Credits end; ceremony officially goes off the air. See you next year! You may be responsible for bringing your own pizza, though.