Fans of Star Wars: The Force Awakens have been up in arms the past two months over the complete lack of a dedicated action figure based on Rey, even though she’s the movie’s main character, arguably its most interesting new hero, and quite possibly a powerful descendant of one of the series’ most famous faces. While Hasbro has given Rey a one-way ticket to the Island of Misfit Toys, all the major male characters boast their own figures and multi-packs and variants and prominent roles in numerous other Star Wars toy assortments and games.
Online protesters suspected the executives at Hasbro were just being big fat sexist jerks, but their rage has been further fueled by an interview published Wednesday with an alleged Lucasfilm insider who claims The Powers That Be mandated that Rey specifically be denied an action figure because girl. Fans of Daisy Ridley’s amazing performance are unhappier than ever and demand Rey figures and justice now, in that order. Hasbro, who have yet to reveal the exact location of the landfill where they deposited seven years’ worth of unsold Padme in Immobile Ballroom Gown figures, could not be reached for comment.
While Hasbro squirms and harrumphs in its Rhode Island lair, we here at Midlife Crisis Crossover are betting that somewhere in California, the folks at Mattel are watching the debacle, taking notes, and adjusting their own plans for the eventual toys that we presume will coincide with the 2017 release of the first Wonder Woman theatrical film in world history. Of course there’ll be action figures! If you have a super-hero toy license, it’s what you do!
We’ve consulted our greatest prognosticating minds and our own secret anonymous sources, and have assembled our definitive predictions for the complete release schedule of the Wonder Woman action figure line, broken down by the waves to be released every 4-6 weeks as demand ramps up and the collectors beg for more. We’re thinking 2017 will be a very good year for DC Comics toy manufacturers and the boys who love them.
Guy version of Etta Candy
Battle-Damaged Steve Trevor
Henchman in snow gear
Batman figure #1,000,000
Evil hacker dude
General Sam Lane
Stealth-Action Steve Trevor with camouflage cap and wooden crate
Henchman with skateboard and extreme-sports bodysuit
Wonder Woman’s gay next-door neighbor
Hall of Justice Janitor
Steve Trevor in Battle Armor
Henchman in Battle Armor
Male villain with giant weapon he never uses in the movie, and also Battle Armor
Steve Trevor disguised as Batman
Lex Luthor in Andy Warhol costume
Clark Kent in Battle Armor
Limited edition Henchman with Zack Snyder’s face
Bizarro Steve Trevor
Zan from the Wonder Twins
Men’s Rights Activist in Battle Armor
Nameless bartender who has one scene, played by Kevin Smith
Guy version of the Cheetah
Beach Attack Steve Trevor in swim trunks
Batman in Wonder Woman-themed costume
President of the United States, played by venerated Best Actor Oscar winner, in Battle Armor
Krypto the Super-Dog
Classic orange-shirt Aquaman
Steve Trevor in super-costume with cape and laser blaster
Wonder Woman in androgynous head-to-toe imitation-HALO Armor (tentative at press time)
…and you can bet there’s more to come! Keep your eyes on the action figure aisle for future releases, guys!
Oh, and if any girls are interested, we hear they’re about 30% of the way into designing a new Wonder Woman video game for the Nintendo DS. It’ll be a puzzle-based game that unlocks new outfits for Diana and her lady-friends as you go. That’s cool, right?