What I Demand to See in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

The Force Awakens!

The Star Wars Cinematic Universe introduces the first three members of its All-New All-Different Avengers.

Every Star Wars fan, whether casual or hardcore, has their mental wish list of stuff they’re hoping Star Wars: The Force Awakens should contain in order to become the greatest Star Wars film of all time. With a modest running time of 136 minutes, J.J. Abrams and company can’t possibly satisfy every single fan on Earth, but it goes without saying that my checklist is the wisest and grandest of them all.

What I insist must be in The Force Awakens or else the whole thing is a waste of everyone’s time:

* A space environmentalist lamenting how Ewoks were hunted to extinction

* Lightsaber duels between opponents who can actually, impressively swordfight without CG crutches

* Climactic battle between the First Order and a ghost army comprising every dead Jedi ever

* An unlikable, rage-filled Hutt who wears a shoddy toupee and vows to ban all humans from Tatooine

* Absolutely, positively, utterly zero time travel

* Kevin Hart as Son of Ice Cream Maker Guy

* Carrie Fisher anointing each new cast member with a fist full of glitter

* A Wampa and a Rancor Monster team up to fight a Space Indominus Rex

* Vengeful R2-D2 with a Gatling-gun mod

* Captions during the movie naming all 600 characters as they appear, to help with action figure shopping

* A power-mad Mark Hamill insists on performing his scenes in the Joker’s voice

* Two nonwhite non-alien humans sharing a scene and talking to each other about something besides race

* Experimental procedure gives Chewbacca the voice of Mr. Peabody

* The dramatic unmasking of Captain Mara Jade Phasma

* BB-8 running his own merchandise store like Yogurt in Spaceballs

* Cantina musical number: special guest Taylor Swift singing Life Day carols

* Emperor Ackbar

* Scene after the end credits: Boba Fett finally crawling out of the Sarlacc, only to be crushed by a falling moon.

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