Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: we took our first plane ride and walked away from the landing without a scratch. While my wife is holding up the “business” end of her “business trip” travel deal, I’m spending the week running around Colorado Springs and the surrounding areas to see new sights that didn’t make the cut on our 2012 road trip.
After she was released from duty today a few hours early, we spent some bonus quality time together and visited a few places we’d never been before. One of those was Bass Pro Shops, which has zero locations within 100 miles of our hometown. We don’t hunt, fish, boat, seriously hike, go camping, stock up on assault gear, or participate in most other functions supported by the products we saw, so it’s not as though we’d personally have a good use for one. But we know they’re a big deal to some folks, and we just so happened to be in a convenient position to peek inside one. We decided to browse for our own curiosity.
As I expected, we saw animal taxidermy, assorted weapons, outdoor clothing for outdoor people, fish capturing mechanisms, and so forth. In other words, much like our Dick’s Sporting Goods back home, or the Cabela’s we’ve seen in other states. That makes sense to me. Not our demographic, but we have plenty of friends and family who’d consider such places a great reason for an all-day shopping trip.
And then there was the big guy in the above photo. I stared and I stared, and I don’t get him. I just don’t understand his existence. At all.
From the temporary office in Colorado Springs: Top 10 Captions for Your Inflatable Armed Snowman:
10. Scares mangy magic reindeer away from your roof or double your money back
9. “On the 2nd Amendment of Christmas, my Congress gave to me…”
8. Not the Frosty reboot we want, but maybe the Frosty reboot we need
7. “Kids get off my lawn! Yeah, even in December!”
6. “Seasons Gweetings fwom the Elmer Fudd family”
5. Diversity compromise for dudes who feel marginalized by female-oriented holiday decor
4. Soon to be a crappy direct-to-YouTube animated feature
3. 100% approved for public-property displays by the ACLU
2. “My hands may be dead and cold, but you STILL can’t have my gun”
And the number one caption for your inflatable armed snowman:
1. “Holly-jolly THIS.”