The scene above was part of today’s breakfast: a pumpkin donut. Only because it’s that time of year when every American has a pumpkin quota to fulfill. My part is done. I’m legally free to move on and go back to eating normal food in the flavors I like.
Every year the same product wave pummels all consumer shorelines: pumpkins are in, everything else is out. Pumpkin flavors permeate and overwhelm every conceivable grocery item, restaurant dish, and miscellaneous product or service. Looking away or hiding are futile defenses because pumpkin surrounds you in every direction from your personal space to the horizon. You’ll never be allowed to exit autumn until and unless you surrender to the will of Big Pumpkin.
And so many choice you’ll have! You can indulge in pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin cake, pumpkin frosting, pumpkin bread, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin turnovers, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pudding, pumpkin flan, pumpkin Napoleon, pumpkin salad, pumpkin tenders, popcorn pumpkin, pumpkin steak, pumpkin shrimp, Pumpkin Parmesan, pumpkin lasagna, pumpkin baby food, pumpkin fertilizer, pumpkin Kit-Kats, pumpkinwood bacon, pumpkin shish-kabobs, Salisbury Pumpkin, pumpkin popsicles, Pumpkins Foster, pumpkin granola bars, pumpkin milkshakes, pumpkin jerky, pumpkin pizza, pumpkin paninis, pumpkin cheese sticks, pumpkin deodorant, pumpkin lice shampoo, pumpkin nail polish, pumpkin potpourri, pumpkin motor oil, pumpkin perfume, pumpkin foot powder, pumpkin zit cream, pumpkin postage stamps, pumpkin bullets, pumpkin pens, pumpkin Windex, pumpkin bleach, pumpkin countertop laminate, pumpkin floor tiles, pumpkin fingerpaint, pumpkin Legos, pumpkin Hot Wheels, pumpkin phone games, pumpkin hair dye, pumpkin caulk, pumpkin floor wax, pumpkin Crayolas, pumpkin bicycle helmets, pumpkin bowling ball bags, pumpkin doggie treats, pumpkin shoeshine, pumpkin boxing gloves, pumpkin bandages, pumpkin Louboutins, pumpkin sunglasses, pumpkin wallpaper, pumpkin blog themes, pumpkin animated specials, pumpkin super-heroes, pumpkin Lifetime movies, pumpkin romantic comedies, nihilistic pumpkin indie dramas, direct-to-Redbox pumpkin action thrillers, celebrity pumpkin-wrestling matches, pumpkin reality shows, pumpkin novelty pop songs, YouTube Pumpkin Week, pumpkin bucks, pumpkin cults, pumpkin drums, pumpkin beer, pumpkin herbal tea, pumpkin Kool-Aid, pumpkin Snapple, pumpkin cola, diet pumpkin cola, caffeine-free pumpkin cola, caffeine-free diet pumpkin cola, cherry vanilla pumpkin cola, caffeine-free diet cherry vanilla pumpkin cola with Splenda and lime and also pumpkin, pumpkin vitamins, pumpkin pet chow, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Pumpkin (And I’m Right Because It IS Pumpkin), pumpkin egg substitute, pumpkin fishcakes, pumpkin dogs, pumpkin deli sandwiches, pumpkin burritos, pumpkin sliders, grilled pumpkin, steamed pumpkin, sauteed pumpkin, twice-baked pumpkin, freeze-dried pumpkin astronaut snacks, pumpkin-stuffed flounder, pumpkin confit, pumpkin McRibs, and pan-seared pumpkin in a pumpkin reduction sauce served with a side of fried pumpkin chunks drizzled with pumpkin vinaigrette and served over a pumpkin-and-more-pumpkin puree.
Pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin. All the world’s a pumpkin, and the people on it merely pumpkins. Ask not what pumpkins can do for you, but what you can do for pumpkins. I’m a pumpkin, he’s a pumpkin, she’s a pumpkin, wouldn’t you like to be a pumpkin, too?
Resistance is futile. YOU WILL BE PUMPKINED.
It’s best to get the whole thing over with for the sake of peace. Postpone your profitless procrastination, partner with that peremptory peer pressure, and proceed to picking your pumpkin poison.
Take comfort, though: all this shall pass. Someday winter will come and make those pesky pumpkins go away. Then it’s time to beware those horrible cranberries. Cranberry sauce, cranberry filling, cranberry juice, sliced canned cranberry, cranberry cookies, cranberry muffins, cranberry floss…