“Sleepy Hollow” 11/3/2014 (spoilers): Katrina the Pregnant Witch

Sleepy Hollow!

It’s Election Day in Sleepy Hollow! May the best not-evil, not-undead candidate win!

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: the late Sheriff Corbin’s long-lost son became a Wendigo; the jailed Captain Irving got more charges added on to his rap sheet; Crane learned to hate yoga; we learned the truth about Squire Boone, secret cannibal; and Henry sent a magical spider made of super-poison to sneak inside a sleeping Katrina’s open mouth.

In tonight’s new episode, “Deliverance”, Our Heroes face an immaculate inception, moral debates about elderly little boys lost, a new name for Moloch, the secret healing power of the Northern Lights, and the wonder of Election Day. Crane’s fake papers may not be enough to bypass local voter ID laws, but he’s more than happy to offer suggestions to Lieutenant Abbie, who’s proud that it only took 180 years and two amendments before American black women like her could finally vote, so you darn well better believe she’s gonna. As a consolation prize, Abbie gives Crane her “I Voted” sticker, so no one can say the democratic process left this privileged white man totally empty-handed.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/27/2014 (spoilers): Everyone Knows It’s Wendigo

Sleepy Hollow!

Abbie and Crane share drinks and toast to absent characters at the Tarrytown Cheers.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod Crane learned his beloved Katrina was keeping yet another secret from him, this one involving the accidental death (or was it murder) of his long-lost ex-fiancé, who returned from the dead as a zombie naiad and killed a dear friend. Meanwhile, Crane’s evil son Henry Parish received evil demerits from his demon overlord Moloch for not submitting this petty revenge exercise through the proper evil approval channels.

In tonight’s new episode, “And the Abyss Gazes Back”, it’s time to meet yet another long-lost family member we never knew: Our Heroes meet Zach Appelman as Joe Corbin, son of the late Sheriff Corbin, for which Clancy Brown returns in another minute of new voiceover. Joe’s got a secret, Henry’s got plans, Hawley brings friends, Jenny brings organs, Captain Irving faces temptation, and Crane faces the sinister threat of backstabbing gamers. Also, there’s a monster.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/20/2014 (spoilers): The Daughter in the Water is the Plotter of Slaughter

Bram and Katrina!

A not-quite-tender moment between Abraham van Brunt (Neil Jackson), a.k.a. the Headless Horseman, a.k.a. Death, and Katrina Crane, Spy Witch (Katia Winter).

(…because it would’ve been too easy to run with “The Rain of Pain Falls Mainly on Crane”.)

Anyway. Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes killed a Pied Piper, our man Crane (Tom Mison) became an unlicensed stunt driver, Nick Hawley (Matt Barr) got paid for broken merchandise, Henry Parish (John Noble) added some crushed bone flute to his pantry, and the Sleepy Hollow Word of the Day was “gillygaupus”, which means “a stupid, awkward person”. Did you use it in a sentence this week? Good job! Was it directed at someone else online? If so, why am I not surprised?

In tonight’s new episode, “The Weeping Lady”, mean Captain Reyes and the entire Irving family remain offstage as Our Heroes must face the undead threat of…Ichabod Crane’s evil ex-girlfriend!

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/13/2014: Pasty Piper Packed a Peck of Prickly Perils

Abbie Mills!

I’d normally add a silly caption to this pic of Abbie holding a bone flute, but I’m having trouble thinking of anything humerus.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Lt. Abbie Mills and Ichabod Crane chased after a coin that turned townspeople to the Dark Side; we met Nick Hawley (Matt Barr), greedy magic-item hunter; Irving was moved to Tarrytown Psychiatric but learned his defense attorney is the Horseman War; and, speaking of which, Henry is Sleepy Hollow’s newest, evillest, busiest shyster — none more qualified to teach young deviants How to Get Away With Murder.

In tonight’s new episode, “Go Where I Send Thee…” Jenny Mills, Katrina Crane, the Horseman, and meddling Captain Reyes are benched for the week while Our Heroes meet a new foe — a whirling dervish with a familiar name, an ancient vendetta, supernatural swordsmanship, and an edgy tune for the kids.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 10/6/2014 (spoilers): Silver Malignings Playbook

From the Judas Mint!

Collect twenty-nine more of these and you can trade in for one corrupted Apostle, or wait till you see what’s behind Door #2…

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Captain Irving was committed to Tarrytown Psychiatric for easier visitation rights and unknowingly signed a contract with War in blood; Jenny Mills was sent back to jail by Abbie’s clueless new boss; Our Heroes reassembled Ben Franklin’s American Frankenstein using Death’s skull, but forgot to put a leash on it; and Ichabod’s wife pitched her new spinoff Katrina Crane, Spy Witch, which might have a shot when Fox pulls the plug on Utopia.

In this week’s new episode, “Root of All Evil”, family secrets are revealed, money is the bad guy, small-town law firms are shady, trust is a commodity, and Crane recoils from an abomination that the rest of society too easily tolerates: men who wear hats indoors.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 9/29/2014 (spoilers): Poor Richard’s Avenger

Ichabod Crane!

Sleepy Hollow DVD set: $50. Ichabod Crane T-shirt: $25. Watching Crane tear new holes in the credit card industry on network TV: priceless.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Crane and Abbie escaped from Purgatory with assistance from her sister Jenny, stymied Jeremy/Henry’s plans to aid Moloch in leading a zombie invasion into our dimension, and taught us all how Benjamin Franklin could be an annoying old perv.

This week’s new episode, “The Kindred”, sees an old friend returning, a new monster birthing, a new supporting character ruining things, and our man Crane denouncing not one but two modern industries for their dehumanizing practices. If you think your grandparents complain too much about things these days, just imagine how cranky they’d be after a two-century nap.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 9/22/2014 (spoilers): The Franklin Hints

Moloch!

Moloch prepares to play Johnny Zombieseed.

And we’re back! It’s September 22, 2014, and the second season of Sleepy Hollow has launched at last. Midlife Crisis Crossover previously brought you same-night recaps of each of the thirteen Season One episodes as they aired, using the best resources available to me as an amateur non-journalist who doesn’t earn complimentary advance review copies or go rooting around for pirated sneak-peeks. I watch; I pause for thought and breath; and then I type as quickly as I can before my brain collapses long after bedtime. It’s just this thing I like to do.

When last we left Our Heroes, Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) had been buried alive by the Sin-Eater Henry Parish, a.k.a. his long-lost son Jeremy Crane (John Noble), grown old and evil and promoted to the rank of War, the second of the Four Horseman. The First Horseman, Death, a.k.a. the fabled Headless Horseman, as embodied by Crane’s former best friend Abraham Van Brunt, had taken prisoner the woman they both love, Crane’s witch-wife Katrina (Katia Winter), who had been freed from Purgatory by swapping places with Crane’s partner and present-day best friend, Lieutenant Abbie Mills (Nicole Beharie). Abbie was left stranded in Purgatory and trying not to be murdered by the Big Bad behind all the evil, the demon Moloch (currently played by Derek Mears, a former Jason Voorhies), who’s trying to find a way to wage war on our world despite all the interdimensional traveling limitations.

Meanwhile, Abbie’s sister Jenny (Lyndie Greenwood) was left unconscious in her flipped SUV after a Horseman attack. Abbie’s commanding officer Captain Irving (Orlando Jones) is in jail for the murder of one of his officers. The real murderer was a demon who had possessed the body of Irving’s wheelchair-bound daughter Macey (Amandla Sternberg), but that sort of information doesn’t play well in an ordinary police interrogation.

That brings us to the season-two premiere: “This is War”. For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Revolution” 5/21/2014 (spoilers): Lights Out for Good

Monroe Defeats Davis!

For anyone who’s ever wanted to see a Hollywood caricature of George W. Bush threatened by an unhinged former despot, Revolution has just the finale for you!

The end is here!

A capricious NBC allowed Revolution to remain on the air until tonight’s finale, “Declaration of Independence”, but didn’t officially cancel it until it was too late for the showrunners to alter their course, aim for closure, and/or toss in some last-minute nods to us stubborn, longtime fans. The season-long arc with Willoughby and the Patriots limps toward its anticlimax, alliances change too late, plot points are dumped by the roadside, and all the Revolution fanfic writers out there (if any) receive the parting gift of a permanently unresolved cliffhanger that could serve as a pretty bouncy springboard for any number of Revolution Season-3 NaNoWriMo novels.

This way to bid Our Heroes farewell…

“Revolution” 5/14/2014 (spoilers): Preamble to the Cancellation

Revolution steam engine!

Folks in WIlloughby knew their days were numbered when the Cancellation Bear drove a runaway train through their town.

We five or ten remaining Revolution viewers heard the unsurprising news late last week: NBC is pulling the plug on what’s left of its electricity after forty-two episodes. I joked in a previous entry that perhaps the show could’ve forestalled cancellation if it had jumped to CBS and been retitled CSI: Future Texas. While waiting for the penultimate episode to begin, I came up with other useful ideas for new names if creator Eric Kripke can convince the studio to shop it elsewhere — to, say, the CW or Spike TV or Investigation Discovery or maybe TV Land. If someone bites, they could try rebranding it as:

Law & Order: Overthrow
Matheson, Texas Rebel
Charlie and the Soldier Factory
Everybody Hates Bass
Neville’s Advocate
Post-Apocalypse Idol
A Stop at Willoughby (and Other Twilight Zone References My Wife Will Love)
The Day the Nanoz Took Over
The Big Bang Dreary
Abandoned JJ Abrams Project #232
America vs. Nature
All Steam, No Punk
Mustache Dad and His Amazing Friends
Death Death Revolution
Mel Gibson’s The Patriot: 2029
Blackout is the New Orange

…none of which has anything to do with tonight’s new episode, “Memorial Day”, in which trainjackers try trainjacking a train from another group of trainjackers who were there first. Also, someone gets slapped and angry. But I had to keep my spirits up somehow.

This way for another weekly recap, now with 75% more futility!

“Revolution” 5/7/2014 (spoilers): Beware the Yellow Peril

Revolution 2.20

“The mustard is coming! The mustard is coming! THE MUSTARD, CARL!”

On tonight’s new Revolution episode, “Tomorrowland”, the desperate Patriots change up their tactics a bit. Guns weren’t getting results, poison oranges only stay fresh for so long, and brainwashed cadets were expensive to feed. Thus they unleash their newest secret weapon: mustard gas! Bright yellow cloudy death is a-comin’ to Willoughby!

This way for better dying through chemistry…

“Revolution” 4/30/2014 (spoilers): Miles Beneath the Surface

Secret Agent Miles

Miles Matheson, Agent of R.E.V.O.L.U.T.I.O.N.

Four weeks after it latest Major Character Death, Revolution returned at last with tonight’s new episode, “$#!& Happens”. That’s the actual title, character-for-character. I think it’s pronounced “Dollarsharptokand Happens” and may be a reference to an old Sigur Ros album.

In this grim installment: Miles falls from grace; Charlie breaks some bad news to the last person in the world she needs to see; Bass and Rachel finally find common ground; and Aaron introduces the nanobots to ’80s Top-40 rock. It’s anyone’s guess as to who tonight’s biggest loser was.

This way down into the hole!

“Revolution” 4/2/2014 (spoilers): Give My Regards to Manchuria

JD Pardo, Mat Vairo, Revolution, NBC

This week: Charlie is forced to choose between Jason or Connor for the Willoughby Senior Prom!

“Nothing will prepare you when one of your favorites pays with their life!”

We were warned. We were promised death in tonight’s new Revolution episode, “Austin City Limits”, and sure enough, there would be blood. The showrunners have offed major characters before, but they believe it’s time for another sacrifice to be made to the Nielsen gods so that their creation might be granted a stay of execution until at least the season finale. Best-case scenario: the sacrifice works and ratings uptick enough to convince NBC not to move the show to a Saturday night death slot for its next four episodes.

And tonight we bid farewell to this one guy…

“Revolution” 3/19/2014 (spoilers): That Stupid, Selfish Thing You Do

David Lyons, Revolution, NBC

Once again the day is saved thanks to Bass the tyrant king!

Tonight’s new Revolution episode, “Why We Fight”, is the first time in series history in which the episode title makes perfect sense and occurred to me before I looked up the episode title after the episode ended. The theme pops up in the dialogue more than once as characters take turns questioning their motives for hanging around the town of Willoughby and shortening their life expectancies in the War on Patriots. Why not go hide in a seedy bar and wait for death to come? Besides the fact that it would make for dull TV?

This way to glorious victory with Commander Bass!

“Revolution” 3/12/2014 (spoilers): Spy Kids Must Die!

Elizabeth Mitchell, Revolution, NBC

The lead photo from an upcoming True Romance article titled “Will Our Love Be Ruined by Underage Enemy Soldiers?”

Tonight’s new Revolution episode, “Exposition Boulevard” (a common street name in California? I guess?), picks up where we left off two weeks ago, with a Mexican standoff between the Mathesons and the Nevilles. Once that threat fades into nothingness, the road beyond it runs afoul of Patriot Youth, a belligerent Chief of Staff, a love triangle, a new alliance, and more screen time than usual for Steven Culp as Ed Truman, Patriot at a crossroads.

This way for more sinister Patriot shenanigans…

“Revolution” 3/5/2014 (spoilers): Me and Beardy McGee

Zak Orth, Aaron Pittman, Revolution, NBC

This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! Come to think of it, reality doesn’t have those, either!

Is it a hoax? A dream? An imaginary story? A holodeck accident? A parallel world ruined by Walter Bishop? A mess for the Doctor to straighten out? A pilot for a new spinoff series called Leave It to Google?

Tonight’s new Revolution episode “Dreamcatcher” throws brainy sidekick Aaron Pittman into a strange old world filled with working electricity, first-world tech-biz problems, cold beer, product placement, and familiar faces in incorrect places. As with most such stories, the question isn’t whether or not Our Hero has awakened to true reality — it’s about how many levels of unreality he’ll have to escape before he’s back on his old show.

Travel this way inside the mind of Aaron the hapless genius!

“Revolution” 2/26/2014 (spoilers): Father/Son Steel Cage Death Match!

Mat Vairo, David Lyons, Revolution

“My name is Connor Bennett. You killed my mother. Prepare to die.”

After a three-week vacation to allow for Sochi Winter Olympics fever, Revolution returned tonight with a new episode, “Fear and Loathing”, in which tenuous alliances are formed, leftover cliffhanger threads are sewn up, Grandpa Gene has the night off, and what happens in New Vegas slays in New Vegas.

Right this way for the main event!

“Revolution” 1/29/2014 (spoilers): The Fight Club Job

Bret Michaels, Poison, Revolution, NBC

Humanity’s lived for fifteen years without electric guitars, CD players, or iTunes, and yet hair metal refuses to die.

Tonight’s new Revolution episode, “Happy Endings”, featured a very special cameo by the first known celebrity to survive the blackout: reality-TV star and Poison frontman Bret Michaels! When three of Our Heroes travel to the sideshow campground of New Vegas, Michaels appears as himself, alone on a tiny outdoor stage, cradling his acoustic guitar and lip-synching “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” while the original single plays as background music. Yes, folks, while humanity tears itself apart, all the Top-40 hits of your teenage years will live forever, even without a recording medium to preserve them.

This way for a sad, sad song…

“Revolution” 1/22/2014 (spoilers): It’s Not Lupus

Revolution

One of the tense researching scenes from tonight’s CSI: Willoughby.

Tonight’s new Revolution episode is titled “Captain Trips”, another in the show’s long line of references to Stephen King’s The Stand, which in turn referenced Jerry Garcia from the Grateful Dead. It was also the name of a drug-fueled super-hero from George R. R. Martin’s Wild Cards shared-anthology series, which blew me away when I was a teenager, even though I might’ve been grounded for a decade if my mom knew about the content.

I’d much rather rattle on about that etymology chain than cover tonight’s main story about the town of Willoughby suffering from the heartbreak of widespread typhus. As I previously complained when it was Sleepy Hollow‘s turn to use the epidemic plot device back in October, “Diseases can be a really dull antagonist.”

So is it really typhus?…

“Sleepy Hollow” 1/20/2014 (spoilers): All Roads Lead to War

Jenny Mills, Lyndie Greenwood, Sleepy Hollow

As soon as the finale was over, rest assured Jenny Mills was on the internet within minutes, registering her incredulity throughout the world.

Tonight’s season finale of Sleepy Hollow — a mind-bending double-feature of episodes called “The Indispensable Man” and “Bad Blood” — meticulously scrutinized the previous eleven episodes, pulled out all the proper nouns, and then decided to see how many of them it could throw into a blender and pulp together before time ran out.

You want surprises? Man, did we get surprises…

“Revolution” 1/15/2014 (spoilers): The Passion of the Bass

David Lyons, Mat Vairo, Revolution, NBC

Welcome to “NBC Team-Up” starring Bass and Kid Bass!

NBC’s Revolution continues its vacation across the border with tonight’s new episode, “Mis Dos Padres” (“My Two Dads”). When last we left Our Heroes, former dictator Sebastian “Bass” Monroe had just been captured by his long-lost son Connor, who was raised to adulthood in a Mexican cartel, leaving Miles and Rachel to hatch an escape plan even though Rachel would rather leave him to rot, or possibly murder him herself if they didn’t need him to help save Willoughby from the Patriots. Though tensions run high in the fictional town of Puesta del Sol (“sunset”), once again the needs of the many outweigh the seething grudge of the few.

So, about that escape plan…

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