Here there be dragons!
Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:
Every year since 1999 Anne and I have taken one road trip to a different part of the United States and seen attractions, wonders, and events we didn’t have back home. From 1999 to 2003 we did so as best friends; from 2004 to the present, as husband and wife. After years of contenting ourselves with everyday life in Indianapolis and any nearby places that also had comics and toy shops, we overcame some of our self-imposed limitations and resolved as a team to leave the comforts of home for annual chances to see creative, exciting, breathtaking, outlandish, historical, and/or bewildering new sights in states beyond our own. We’re the Goldens. This is who we are and what we do…
Wisconsin Dells! Virginia Beach! Niagara Falls! And so on! We’ve visited our share of kitschy, tacky, larger-than-life tourist traps over the years. If they happen to be in our path, that’s cool, but we don’t necessarily make them the star of any given trip. Maybe someday we’ll plan a big expedition to Branson, that gold standard east of the Rockies, which was a popular annual vacation choice among the grandmothers and near-retirees I used to work with at the office. We’re not quite that old yet.
Other coworkers used to love taking their families down to Gatlinburg and/or Pigeon Forge, often for camping in or around the Great Smoky Mountains, enjoying affordable nature-based activities, and/or romping around country-fried faux-Western attractions. While we were in the vicinity anyway, we figured why not spend a night in the area and glance at a few of their outlandish constructs. Admittedly we weren’t clear where Gatlinburg ended and Pigeon Forge began. They’re not advertised as twin cities, but any boundary between their realities was paper-thin and imperceptible.
Our first round of sightings on the way through town(s) and toward Great Smoky Mountain National Park:
Our warm-up act: the sort of inflatable red gorilla you can find in most used-car lots. This one is of course selling fireworks for next week’s Independence Day.
Welcome to Dolly Country! Her town of Sevierville is right there, too.
If we’d had time to spend, the Tennessee Museum of Aviation might’ve made our to-do list.
Also in Sevierville: Dollywood!
Toy Box Mini-Golf looked cool, but we’d have to get a closer look some other day.
After our triumphant mountain climb, the route from the Smokies to our hotel took us past some of their oversized animals and other objects, a la DC Golden Age comics.
Another shark gift shop like what we’d seen along the Gulf of Mexico.
BEAR! Next door to the shark.
CHICKEN! Doesn’t have the same effect, does it.
FERRIS WHEEL!
By the time we descended the mountain, drove the 20-mile trip back to the park entrance, sallied forth into town, checked into our understaffed hotel, and picked a restaurant, it was after 7 p.m. and we were exhausted and starving. Dinner was at Pigeon Forge’s own Cookie Dough Monster Burgers & Shakes, which…well, that tells you what you need to know. If only the name had warned us it was crowded inside and foodstuffs were taking a good while to be prepared. Thankfully we were able to grab a table and sit while we waited for our burgers and shakes, and exchanged Great Smokies experiences with a family from Mississippi.
Tucked in a strip mall off the main thoroughfare.
For me, their Steak House burger — topped with thinly sliced picanha steak (yes, as a topping), pepper-jack cheese, sautéed onions and mushrooms, barbecue sauce and horseradish mayo.
Not pictured: Anne ordered the Betty White, which was a pretty basic cheeseburger containing nary a reference to St. Olaf. We also indulged in shakes — a Nutella toffee shake for me, a banana cream pie shake for her. I can’t say the burger was worth the wait, but then again, I wasn’t in a charitable frame of mind, having just walked up and down a mountain. I was so wiped out, I didn’t even finish my shake — when we got back to our hotel, I stuck it in the room fridge, crashed on the bed, and was asleep by 8:30, still in my clothes.
DAY SEVEN: Friday, June 30th.
We awoke to heavy rains that persisted all morning long till well after we left town. Between our heavy dinner and the severe fatigue we’re usually suffering by the final day of every road trip, we weren’t in the mood for any real breakfast. I finished my shake and we made the most of the week’s leftover snacks.
Six days’ worth of unopened lunchtime sides, impulse buys from gas stations, freebies from previous hotels, and what we’d packed for, uh, “emergency” cravings.
The ugly weather did our cameras no favors. Anne gamely snapped a couple more pics as we left the hotel, including one mini-monument she specifically wanted to see.
Welcome to Christmas Country!
One of the many wacky fun-house attractions in the neighborhood, of the sort we’ve seen in other campy tourist-trap areas.
We went out of our way to see Sevierville’s Dolly Parton statue. I waited in the car; Anne wasn’t in the mood to hang around for multiple takes.
Behind Dolly is the Sevier County Courthouse. I figured I’d include at least one example of dignified architecture for balance.
I’m surprised those two last pics don’t look worse, given the weather. With that, we headed north out of town, but we’d return again one day with healthier smiles on our faces.
To be continued!
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[Link enclosed here to handy checklist for other chapters and for our complete road trip history to date. Follow us on Facebook or via email sign-up for new-entry alerts, or over on BlueSky if you want to track my faint signs of life between entries. Thanks for reading!]
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