Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Every year since 1999 Anne and I have taken one road trip to a different part of the United States and seen attractions, wonders, and events we didn’t have back home. From 1999 to 2003 we did so as best friends; from 2004 to the present, as husband and wife. After years of contenting ourselves with everyday life in Indianapolis and any nearby places that also had comics and toy shops, we overcame some of our self-imposed limitations and resolved as a team to leave the comforts of home for annual chances to see creative, exciting, breathtaking, outlandish, historical, and/or bewildering new sights in states beyond our own. We’re the Goldens. This is who we are and what we do…

In all our southern travels throughout the years, the only time we’d ever laid eyes upon the Great Smoky Mountains was at a faraway remove from Knoxville, Tennessee. We’d seen them blocking the horizon, but had never made time to add Great Smoky Mountain National Park to the list of national parks we’ve sauntered into, despite recommendations from some of my coworkers who made the Smokies and the nearby cities of Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge their families’ annual getaways. Maybe that’s why we resisted for so long: going the same place every year for vacation has never been our thing as a couple (unless you count comic-cons) and it felt weird to follow their footsteps too closely, if that makes any sense.

This year we agreed it was time. We knew they’d be beautiful, maybe we’d catch a few unusual sights, and — kind of an in-joke between the two of us — maybe we’d spot our very first bear in the wild. Longtime MCC readers may recall our 2021 visit to Yellowstone National Park, which we’d heard had bears but contained exactly zero of them throughout our day there. Plenty of other four-legged creatures frolicked and gamboled and/or stood motionlessly in the shade, but the place was bear-free. We began to wonder if bears didn’t actually exist in America or were a myth invented by zoos to sell more tickets and toys.

Granted, maybe their absence or nonexistence was for the best. If we had stumbled across a bear, we may have been doomed. Nevertheless: our lifetime wild-bear sighting total was zilch. We kept that side quest in mind while visiting the Smokies for reasons that hopefully wouldn’t remind me of The Revenant. Something in an idyllic Hundred-Acre Wood simulation would’ve been keen.

After our merriment at the baked-bean welcome center we continued south from Dandridge along the northern edge of the Smokies till we reached Gatlinburg and wended our way up to the Sugarlands Visitor Center, in case they carried any primer materials or mandatory souvenirs.

From the visitor center we drove twenty miles of park roads toward a particular spot Anne wanted to see. We got out of the car and stretched our legs a few times along the way.

Alas, our search for empirical or epistemological evidence of the existence of bears was fruitless. Bear imagery doesn’t prove they’re real any more than drawings of dragons or sea monkeys bring those to life. Side quest: failed. All told, on this day we saw more beans than bears. Regardless, we pressed onward and eventually reached the parking lot at our next attraction…one which would pose a daunting physical challenge to our party.

(By “physical challenge” I do not mean bears. Spoiler for our next chapter: no bears.)

To be continued!

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[Link enclosed here to handy checklist for other chapters and for our complete road trip history to date. Follow us on Facebook or via email sign-up for new-entry alerts, or over on BlueSky if you want to track my faint signs of life between entries. Thanks for reading!]

[With apologies to General Veers’ #1 fan.]