Oscar season is over at last! Tonight ABC aired the 96th Academy Awards, once again held at ye olde Dolby Theatre and hosted for a fourth time by ABC’s favorite trooper Jimmy Kimmel. This year’s soiree clocked in at 144 minutes, a surprising 14 minutes shorter than last year’s telecast. That’s after starting six minutes late and keeping the stopwatch running till the very end of the end credits, up to the final boilerplate disclaimer read by announcer David Alan Grier. Kimmel and his writing staff made only a single overtime joke in the monologue, then dropped that annual running gag for the rest of the night. It’s refreshing whenever a tired joke is crossed off the setlist.

In all, the field welcomed 53 nominees across 23 categories, not counting the Honorary Oscars, which were dropped from the ceremony years ago and henceforth receive only the barest on-air lip service. This year’s slighted honorees included the winner of this year’s Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, influential Sundance Film Festival exec Michelle Satter; and the latest trio of Honorary Oscar recipients — Angela Bassett, Mel Brooks, and Carol Littleton, editor of past nominated works such as E.T., The Big Chill, and Places in the Heart.

The 23 main awards were divided amongst the following 13 works, all of which we’ve previously reviewed here on MCC:

• Oppenheimer: 7 – Picture, Director, Actor (Cillian Murphy), Supporting Actor (Robert Downey Jr.), Cinematography, Editing, Original Score
• Poor Things: 4 – Actress (Emma Stone), Costume Design, Makeup & Hairstyling, Production Design
• The Zone of Interest: 2 – International Feature, Sound
• The Holdovers – Supporting Actress (Da’Vine Joy Randolph)
• Anatomy of a Fall – Original Screenplay
• American Fiction – Adapted Screenplay
• Barbie – Original Song
• Godzilla Minus One – Visual Effects
• The Boy and the Heron – Animated Feature
• 20 Days in Mariupol – Documentary Feature
• The Last Repair Shop – Documentary Short Film
• War Is Over! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko – Animated Short Film
• The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar – Live-Action Short Film

Nominees in the major categories that walked away empty-handed: The Color Purple, Killers of the Flower Moon, Maestro, May December, Nyad, Past Lives, Rustin.

We pause here respectfully to acknowledge the only part my wife Anne ever cares to watch, the annual In Memoriam segment. ABC hates whenever folks embed that annual video, so please enjoy this direct link. This year’s edition began with a gut-punch into a fresh wound — a clip from the opening moments of last year’s Best Documentary Feature winner Navalny, whose eponymous subject knew even then he might not have had long to live. (The solemn quote attributed to Navalny, which most folks over 30 are well aware didn’t originate with him, was a silly Michael-Scott-quoting-Wayne-Gretzky distraction.)

The musical accompaniment was a string quartet and two gentlemen identified in the closed-captioning as “singing in foreign language”. One new enhancement was added for 2024: as the tributes wound to a close, dozens of remaining names were crammed into a split-second shot of an “And the Rest” memorial wall. All those dead studio executives no one’s ever heard of were far more important to cinema history than Burt Young, Ray Stevenson, Treat Williams and Lance Reddick.

UPDATED 3/11/2024, 10:30 p.m.: Per MCC tradition we present Anne’s annual Roll Call of the Snubbed Dead — actors who died within the past twelve months with films on their resumés and weren’t covered in this year’s In Memoriam or last year’s (yes, she went back and double-checked), and didn’t even make the cut for the fleeting memorial wall:

• Robert Blake (In Cold Blood, the Our Gang shorts)
• David Soul (Magnum Force, Johnny Got His Gun, The Hanoi Hilton)
• Arleen Sorkin (Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker; screenwriter, Picture Perfect)
• Richard Moll (House, The Sword and the Sorceror)
• Phyllis Coates (I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, Panther Girl of the Kongo)
• Carlin Glynn (Sixteen Candles, The Trip to Bountiful, Continental Divide)
• Pamela Salem (Never Say Never Again, Gods and Monsters)
• Noreen Nash (Giant, Phantom from Space)
• Anne Whitfield (White Christmas, Cookie’s Fortune)

Enclosed below are highlights from the notes I took along the way, buried here exclusively due to my retirement from live-tweeting. All stamps are Eastern Daylight Time.

7:06: The telecast kicks off late in its new time slot, after a round of extra ads, AMC-style. After a montage of nominees and a short Barbie-insertion gag, Kimmel takes the stage to a “partial standing ovation”. His monologue is hit-or-miss, same as any Oscar host ever. We as a world are unanimously okay with easy potshots taken at Madame Web and wannabe Hallmark Christmas star Katie Britt, but attempted repartee with Robert Downey Jr. bounces limply off his target, who’s dueled tougher opponents. His new annual tradition, whining about extra-long movies, is dumbly anti-film (“I had my mail forwarded to the theater”); more accurate is a nod to the quasi-reunion of Taxi Driver 1976 costars Robert DeNiro and Jodie Foster (“…now she’s twenty years too old to be his girlfriend”). Running down the ten Best Picture nominees, he lumps together the two darkest, Anatomy of a Fall and The Zone of Interest, with a comment that in Germany they’re both considered rom-coms. (Sandra Hüller, star of both, makes a face.)

7:20: Kimmel wraps up his monologue — his only full segment this year, thank the Lord — by soliciting sincere applause for the end of the dual strikes that brought Hollywood’s unions to a halt for months in 2023. (“Not the directors, you guys folded immediately.”)

7:21: Returning to a format not used in years, for each of the four acting awards a quintet of past winners presents each of the nominees. Those four segments drag on for several minutes apiece as each respective recipient is showered with effusive, overwritten praise, often by someone with whom they have zilch in common except gender and an acting career. It’s basically The Voice minus chairs. Per annual tradition, the producers make up for those extra minutes by rushing the “lesser” categories. Setting the pace with Best Supporting Actress, 12 Years a Slave‘s Lupita Nyong’o presents the winner — The Holdovers‘ Da’Vine Joy Randolph, who’s a crying mess even before her name is read, which in turn makes some of us viewers a crying mess along with her. (Paul Giamatti also tears up in his nearby seat.) “God is so good,” she begins as she thanks those who “saw” her, including her publicist, which is something she never, ever dreamed of needing. It’s a grounding reminder that not every Oscar winner is a spoiled multimillionaire. Next after the break, Kimmel gently points out to her she didn’t actually name her publicist. She mouths it to the audience camera.

7:35: Furiosa costars Chris Hemsworth and Anya Taylor-Joy hand off Best Animated Short Film to War Is Over! Alongside its directors, producer Sean Ono Lennon (who looks so grown-up now!) ends their stage seconds shouting “HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY!” to Yoko out there.

7:38: In one of the evening’s few surprising upsets, the Spider-Verse sequel loses Best Animated Feature to Hayao Miyazaki’s Final Film No Really This Time He Totally Means It, The Boy and the Heron. Miyazaki is one of two winners tonight who isn’t in the house and didn’t send a proxy acceptor.

7:44: Throughout the show, mini-trailers are shown for each of the Best Picture nominees. After the one for the steampunk-porno Poor Things, Kimmel jokes that its clip had “all the parts we’re allowed to show on live TV.”

7:45: Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer launch into the two screenplay awards with an intentionally painful routine about what an Oscars ceremony would be like in a world without intros scripted by humans. (The alt-timeline isn’t necessarily that different.) Each nominee has tiny excerpts printed onscreen; the one from Maestro misspells “reining”. As Justine Triet and Arthur Harari approach the stage for Anatomy of a Fall, the orchestra cues up that film’s lethal steel-drum earworm and they are the CRUELEST ORCHESTRA EVER AND I HATE THEM AAAAAAUUUGGGH. Meanwhile, Triet remarks of the win, “It will help me through my midlife crisis, I think.”

7:50: American Fiction writer/director Cord Jefferson caps off his speech by revisiting the parting thoughts from his January 2024 Vulture interview with his old The Good Place boss Michael Schur, imploring studios to invest some of their blockbuster mega-millions in young filmmakers like him and fund more, smaller films like his — i.e., Films Like They Used to Make.

8:04: Michael Keaton and Catherine O’Hara are the evening’s second-best co-presenting comedy duo. The trio who accept Best Makeup and Hairstyling for Poor Things nod to Ms. Randolph with a gentle publicist joke.

8:09: In one of the evening’s two biggest guaranteed-viral moments, Kimmel points out it’s the 50th anniversary of that infamous Oscar moment when a streaker ran across the stage behind David Niven. Fast-forward to 2024, and John Cena hesitantly comes out wearing only an oversized Best Costume Design envelope over his crotch.

8:22: Our Best International Feature presenters are Dwayne Johnson and Bullet Train costar Bad Bunny, whose 30th birthday was today. Winning for The Zone of Interest, director Jonathan Glazer gives the only overt political speech about Israel-v-.Gaza, denouncing Hamas’ October 6th attack and the Gaza casualties amassed since then. If you listen closely to your wi-fi router, you can still hear sabers rattling, torches burning, trebuchets whirling, and battle cries resounding throughout all of social media even now. Out in the audience, Ms. Hüller is a crying mess.

8:25: The evening’s first-best co-presenting comedy duo are The Fall Guy stars Emily Blunt and Ryan Gosling, engaged in all-out insult war from their opposing sides in the great Barbenheimer rivalry of 2023. (Blunt: “The way this awards season has turned out, it wasn’t much of a rivalry!” Gosling mocks Oppenheimer‘s suffix status and box office: “You were riding Barbie‘s coattails all summer!” Blunt in turn sneers at his reliance on “painted-on abs”. Anyway, they’re here for a montage salute to Hollywood stunt people, apropos of The Fall Guy, coming soon to theaters. No, stunt people still don’t get an Oscar category like casting directors will next year, but AMPAS is, like, totally thinking of them.

(I just realized whoever’s the current AMPAS president waived their annual right to give a short, unmemorable on-air speech. Thanks for sparing us, whoever!)

8:32: In the interminable Best Supporting Actor sketch, Mystic River‘s Tim Robbins slips and nearly refers to Robert DeNiro’s role in Killers of the Flower Moon as “Oscar-winning” instead of “Oscar-worthy”. It’s a good thing he caught himself so he could make way for Three Billboards‘ Sam Rockwell to present to the actual winner, Oppenheimer‘s ex-superhero Downey. He thanks his wife Susan, his stylist, his publicist (running-gag hat-trick!), “my terrible childhood”, and his entertainment lawyer who spent immeasurable hours getting him “insured and out of the hoosegow.” After he’s done, audience reactions include Messi, the awesome dog from Anatomy of a Fall, sitting obediently in a seat while a pair of fake doggie paws applaud.

8:46: In a very special Twins reunion, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito bond over their shared history as former Batman villains, then issue threats from the pulpit to Michael Keaton out in the audience. Keaton glowers in character and makes “BRING IT” hand-motions. Mr. Freeze and the Penguin then award Best Visual Effects to the amazing colossal Godzilla Minus One. Director/VFX supervisor Takashi Yamazaki reads a list of special thanks from a rather large unfolded paper, haltingly the best he can, but the same orchestra that played that torturous Anatomy of a Fall earworm likewise shows him no mercy.

8:51: Arnold and Danny continue with Best Film Editing. Oppenheimer‘s Jennifer Lame, also a big Twins fan, is immensely grateful to producer Emma Thomas. Then she adds to Thomas’ husband, the film’s director, “Chris, you’re okay too!”

8:57: In-audience comedy-bit cameo by Guillermo Rodriguez, Kimmel’s sidekick from his ABC talk show. I missed out on a few yuks involving a giant bottle of tequila while hastily Googling him.

9:02: Barbie costars America Ferrara and Kate McKinnon prepare to introduce the two documentary awards. They each list examples in the genre; McKinnon’s includes the Jurassic Park series. When Ferrara attempts a correction, McKinnon looks toward Steven Spielberg in the audience and asks, “Dr. Spielberg, is this true?” A game Spielberg solemnly nods. Eventually Best Documentary Short goes to The Last Repair Shop, whose crowd include co-director/composer Kris Bowers (whose thanked entities include “the heroes in our schools” and his biggest influence, John Williams) and li’l Porche Brinker (Class of 2030), the first student we see speaking to the camera in the film.

9:06: In the evening’s first Ukraine tribute, Best Documentary Feature goes to 20 Days in Mariupol. Director/narrator Mstyslav Chernov theorizes he may be the first Oscar winner to say on stage, “I wish I never made this film.” We get what he means. He concludes in honor of his preyed-upon homeland, “We can make sure that the history record is set straight and that the truth will prevail…Cinema forms memories, and memories form history.”

9:14: Dune: Part Two MVP Zendaya gives Best Cinematography to Oppenheimer‘s Hoyte van Hoytema, who chides his competition they should check into that “incredible hip new thing called ‘celluloid’.” He ends with a cryptic thank-you to an acquaintance “for the candy apples.”

9:16: To the relief of all the Film Twitterati at large, Wes Anderson is at long last anointed Academy Award Winner Wes Anderson for the Best Live-Action Short Film, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar. Following Miyazaki’s lead, Anderson is Sir Not Appearing in This Telecast, nor do any of his 76 repertory actors accept on his behalf. Kimmel later jokes Anderson is at home working on “a diorama made of corduroy.”

9:25: Recovering addict John Mulaney delivers the evening’s second zinger at Madame Web‘s sorry expense, then hyperverbally riffs at length on Field of Dreams in such a dense and hilarious manner as if he were successfully auditioning to host next year’s Oscars and perhaps hasn’t quit all his addictions.

9:30: Guaranteed-viral moment #2 is Ryan Gosling’s performance of Barbie‘s Best Original Song entrant “I’m Just Ken”, a gargantuan pink-and-black Busby Berkeley extravaganza with a population and budget larger than the other four Original Song performances combined. All the dancers are wearing black cowboy hats, the audience is singing along to the parts they know, and his backing band includes extra-special guests Slash and Wolfie Van Halen. It’s a show-stopper for the ages. Next after the break, Kimmel brings Gosling’s pink pants onstage and begins soliciting bids, including an alleged $10,000 offer from Bradley Cooper’s mom.

9:38: Wicked: Part One costars Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande present Best Original Score to Oppenheimer‘s Ludwig Göransson, who previously won for Black Panther. He thanks Christopher Nolan for allowing his violinist wife to play a major part in the results, and thanks his parents for buying him “guitars and drum machines instead of video games!”

9:42: Erivo and Grande stick around while Best Original Song goes not to beloved fan-favorite Ken, but to Billie Eilish and her brother Finneas O’Connell for the other song from Barbie, whose name I can’t recall because all her songs are slow and therefore sound alike to me, including her previous Oscar-winning tune from No Time to Die, which I think was called “The Bond That Couldn’t Slow Down”. A stunned Eilish begins her speech, “I had a nightmare about this last night,” before awkwardly pausing and then even more awkwardly doubling over with laughter. She manages a shout-out to all her old dance and choir teachers, including one she suspects might be unimpressed: “You didn’t like me, but you were good at your job!”

9:44: Remember when I mentioned this year’s winners of Honorary Oscars and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award? As the show goes to commercial, we see their photos hanging on a wall angled partly away from us. Their names aren’t even all mentioned. That’s it, that’s their entire on-air tribute.

9:49: Remember when I mentioned the In Memoriam segment? That happened here. The final pictured actor in what Anne calls “the honor position” is Tina Turner, costar of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and Tommy, and who was the mayor in The Last Action Hero.

9:54: The five Best Actor winners (Kimmel calls them “all five members of ‘N Sync”) come out to present the Best Actor nominees. Ben “Gandhi” Kingsley presents to Cillian “Oppenheimer” Murphy, whose thank-you list ends with “the peacemakers everywhere.”

10:03: After playing straight-man for so many comic gags, Spielberg comes onstage to pass the Best Director baton to Nolan. In the audience, Martin Scorsese nods sagely, for he had surely prophesied as much. Nolan hugs Spielberg really tightly.

10:10: The five Best Actress winners include Sally Field, two-time winner for Norma Rae and Places in the Heart, who crowns Oscar’s latest two-time Best Actress winner Emma Stone, whose statuette for La-La Land now has a shelf partner. She and millions of others are shocked that she won over Lily Gladstone, but she soldiers on with a broken dress and a voice gone hoarse from singing along too loudly to “I’m Just Ken”. She announces her li’l daughter’s birthday is coming up just three days after Bad Bunny’s.

10:17: Kimmel makes time for a quick installment of his show’s renowned “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” feature, this time starring himself and an actual, live post from a certain former TV star, steak salesman and President. Assuming said viewer hasn’t already gone to bed, Kimmel responds to him from the stage, “I’m surprised you’re still up. Isn’t it past your jail time?” This is his best joke of the night.

10:19: On the occasion of the 50th anniversary of Best Picture winner The Godfather Part II, Academy Award Winner Al Pacino offers to recite some Shakespeare before demurring, slowly tearing open the envelope with a somewhat arthritic grace, and mumbling the card’s contents that complete Oppenheimer‘s pretty decent run. A couple dozen participants take the stage led by Emma Thomas, whose freshly Academy Award-winning husband cedes the mic to her and to producer Charles Roven, who thanks studio execs and his family in that order. In the back of the crowd, Downey is fist-pumping.

10:25: Kimmel bids us all farewell. Confetti flies. Giamatti does a jig as the audience filters out. In a prerecorded bit, good dog Messi is outdoors on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, lifting a leg over Matt Damon’s star.

10:30: No, there’s no scene after the 96th Oscars end credits, just ads for corporate-partnered products from ABC, ESPN, National Geographic, and so on.

…

…and now, back to watching junk that’s bad for us all. Let’s get back out there and enjoy the magic of movies and whatnot!