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Indiana Senate Bill 101.5 to Replace Governor Mike Pence with Grumpy Cat

Grumpy Cat!

If you’ve been following Indiana’s tumult in national headlines, which I covered to a limited extent in last night’s entry and satirized obliquely last week, then you’re aware that the signing of Indiana’s remix of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act has incentivized the American jester majority to demote every resident in the once-kind-of-okay state of Indiana to the status of infamous generalized punchline stereotype for the next six months. So that’s been pretty inhibitive to my mental state, especially when internet quote-unquote “friends” join in the pummeling. Because, y’know, it’s my personal fault that a Congressman became governor by carrying 49% of the vote in an election with something like 52% voter turnout, and I have no idea how many eligible Hoosiers aren’t registered to vote and would drive the per-capita percentage still downward. Doesn’t matter to the world, though: if one-fourth of us make a wish, so wish we all.

(Full disclosure: I’m not 100% sure whether I voted for Pence or his opponent, breezy Democrat John Gregg. Tracking your historical voting record is tough when you vow never, ever to vote straight party ticket. My willful amnesia absolves me of responsibility and makes me kind of irresponsible at the same time. Cool paradigm.)

If Indiana wants nothing like this ever to happen again, and if we want it to never happen again right now, that’s where Senate Bill 101.5 comes into play. Out with Governor Middle-Age Eminem, in with the notorious Tardar Sauce, a.k.a. Grumpy Cat. Consider the advantages she has to offer:

* No interest in creating new laws
* No interest in striking down existing laws
* Loathes every human equally, regardless of demographics
* Unlikely to fumble lines on live national TV
* Has no use for money
* Can’t write new bills
* Can’t scribble all over old bills
* Once appeared in a movie and is therefore a certified Hollywood star
* Hates intolerance
* Hates tolerance
* Hates lobbyists
* Hates lobbies
* Probably hates foyers, too
* Will never inspire the Indianapolis Star staff to unite against her like a journalistic Justice League
* Isn’t from Indiana and is therefore exempt from all the “INDIANA R DUMB HUUUUUUUUR” jokes
* Guaranteed not to appear on any “Worst of 2015” lists in December, keeping in mind her movie was in 2014
* Has no Presidential aspirations
* Has no other aspirations
* Doesn’t like people who hate you
* Doesn’t like you

See? Grumpy Cat is the ideal, nonpartisan, anti-partisan, cute fuzzy placeholder governor we can appoint to the position once We, the People dump this whole “democracy” experiment and do what feels right to the loudest. Or feels better to some younger folks. Or amuses a few of us late at night when we’re tired and punchy. Nothing less than radical, unprecedented, indefensible, long-term regrettable change will do.

Remember that name: Indiana Senate Bill 101.5, a.k.a. the Get Rid of Usurpatory Male Politicans, Yay Cats Amendment Treaty. Share it with all your friends using hashtag #GRUMPYCAT. Be sure to boycott your local congressman into supporting Senate Bill 101.5 today! Even if you’re not registered to vote and/or don’t even live in Indiana! Because why not!

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About Randall A. Golden
Hoosier since birth, geek since age 6, father at 22, Christian at 30; launched Midlife Crisis Crossover at 39. Full-time service rep; part-time internet contributor; former message board admin; inhabits Twitter as @RandallGolden. Views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of any other corporation, being, or party line.

One Response to Indiana Senate Bill 101.5 to Replace Governor Mike Pence with Grumpy Cat

  1. ndnd9 says:

    Hello Midlife Crisis Crossover: If someone aids a bank robber they can be put in jail as an accomplice. The government should not be in the business of trying to force people to aid those they believe are doing something immoral. LGBTs like to compare themselves with black Americans. But there is nothing immoral about skin color. And who should ever care what someone’s skin color is anyway. (Remember God protected Moses’ second wife, an Ethiopian, from his sister Miriam’s criticism by making Miriam a leper when she criticized the woman’s skin color. But God gives laws against homosexuality.) Genome studies have shown that “science is inadequate at determining sexual orientation.” This means that there is no genetic basis for homosexuality. There is a greater incidence of sexual identity confusion in developed countries today because of the practice of some parents reassigning their baby’s sex at birth. Because of the excess hormone estrogen that lodges in a woman’s body when she uses birth control chemicals, she may give birth to a male child with deformed genitalia. Rather than leave him male, the parents may opt for surgery to make him appear female. However, they cannot change the baby’s chromosomes. Gender is determined by chromosomes, and males think and feel differently than females. So, when the child grows up it has gender confusion — thinking and feeling male but being in a female body. In coming years it will be possible for these children to reverse back to their chromosomal gender. Studies have been done and the government knows birth control chemicals cause this effect, but they consider it a form of population control and let it go on without warning women of the side effects. In any event, if men took more responsibility for birth control instead of putting the whole burden on women, it would be easier for couples to avoid this event. From a reincarnation point of view, those being born in this condition at this time may be those who in centuries past had their sons castrated so the sons would be hired by the rich and send money back to their parents. This is the eternal validity of the Golden Rule — as you treat others you WILL BE treated in this life or another. In any event, that does not change the moral issue at stake here. Another reason for people choosing homosexuality is that older siblings (or others) consistently frightened them as infants. Those children grow up not understanding why they are attracted to same gender others, or to no others, because they don’t consciously remember what was done to them when they were infants that caused them to not trust and to fear rather than love. God’s law is clear and firm against homosexuality. Everyone on earth has a cross of some sort to bear. Those who have been pressured into sexual confusion should seek God’s guidance to not succumb, but should work to endure their particular challenge as others work to endure their own unique challenges. No one should scorn the homosexual, but it is appropriate for society by its laws to remind them that their choice is against the will of the Creator of the universe and, by those who respect God’s presence and will, against what society will endorse. More information about this issue is in my e-book (on Kindle) If You Ask Me…. Peace, ND (Nancy Dobson at blog nomagicwandchristianity).

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