Longtime MCC readers know sports aren’t really my thing, and Super Bowl XLIX is no exception. My wife and I spent the evening dining out, trying new foods, and wandering a deserted downtown Indianapolis to our heart’s content with virtually no other humans around. And then I came home and waited patiently for the internet to tell me which new movie spots I missed.
Please join me in sampling the following summer action blockbuster EXPLOSIONS-filled mini-teaser trailers that apparently aired during the Big Game. Leaving out Seth MacFarlane’s Ted 2 (bleah) and the one infamous gargantuan big-budget slashfic adaptation (zero intention of watching a single trailer for it, let alone the movie), the internet notified me of six different contenders that may or may not make zillions this year at the box office:
Jurassic World: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Life of Pi‘s Irrfan Khan in a new thrill ride apparently written by Andy Dwyer. (“…and then Bert Macklin, FBI, rides to the rescue on his super awesome motorcycle with his rebel-alliance raptor army!”) More dinosaurs, meaner dinosaurs, new dinosaurs like the old ones except different, dinosaurs dinosaurs dinosaurs Star-Lord dinosaurs. It’s off to an uncomplicated start.
Terminator Genisys: Not much different from the first teaser except one new millisecond of Burning Man and some literal fireworks. Still not excited about what feels to me like a reheated casserole.
Furious 7: I’ve never watched any of them, though I would probably binge-watch the heck out of an edited-version boxed set that deleted all the rap-video dancers. The trailers have been a longtime guilty pleasure because they have the greatest trailer EXPLOSIONS and daredevil stunt spectaculars of them all, even though I’d wager there’s a whole lot of CG going on. I thought the parachuting sportscars in the first trailer were wild enough, but I’m pretty sure they’ve now rebooted the Transporter 2 building-to-building car jump to the point of crash-porn apotheosis.
Minions: I thought Despicable Me was just-okay and I never got around to Despicable Me 2, so this doesn’t mean much to me. But hey, exclusive new animation specifically for Super Bowl fans. Well played.
Seventh Son: The long-delayed Jeff Bridges vehicle that looks like Game of the Rings shows off more of its fantasy creatures, some weapons and armor, and Djimon Hounsou in yet another evil-warrior role. On title alone I thought this looked like a ridiculously unfaithful adaptation of the Orson Scott Card novel of the same name, but apparently it’s a totally different thing, which may or may not be for the best. At least with Card’s name you might’ve had a few extra people hate-watching it, but who knows how it’ll do now. It opened overseas two weeks ago, but I’ve yet to see an influx of Chinese viewers gushing about it on Twitter. Yet.
Tomorrowland: Thirty seconds of George Clooney, a future city, a jetpack, and a spaceflight launch looks shiny and vague on the surface, but it’s the new film from Brad Bird, the director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Ratatouille, and my all-time favorite Simpsons episode, “Krusty Gets Busted”. Anything he directs, I’m there. To me this is THE major movie event of 2015. I mean, yeah, I guess Avengers: Age of Ultron may also be okay, I guess, for something that’s not directed by Brad Bird.
The Sixth Sense 2: Because I Died: Not actually a movie. The new commercial from Nationwide Life Insurance drew more incredulity and fits of spontaneous game-day depression in the people I follow online than any other ad that aired tonight. I won’t spoil the ending for you if you haven’t seen it yet, but when you’re surrounded by fifteen or twenty of your closest buddies and everyone’s loaded with sugar and beer and meats, and everyone’s been high-fiving or cheering or chest-thumping or whatever else it is you socially acceptable citizens do at your Super Bowl parties in-between plays, I imagine this Debbie Downer production is not the kind of million-dollar commercial that jibes well with the festive mood. Maybe their ad agency’s working theory was that the sudden flow of heartbroken tears would make the meats taste better.