“Sleepy Hollow” 2/16/2015: Crane Vs. Crane

Ichabod Crane!

Blatant foreshadowing for a potential season-3 episode involving tiny killer gnomes that worked for Oliver Cromwell.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Our Heroes thought it a brilliant sacrifice to destroy an eighteenth-century holodeck containing the thoughts and memories of Thomas Jefferson held and animated inside a sentient hologram and an extensive Rupert Giles hero library just so a bunch of mad, starving Morlocks who hadn’t eaten in 250 years could get killed in a single explosion instead of having to put forth a little effort to slay them one at a time. Meanwhile, Henry Parrish tempted his mom Katrina with Dark Willow magic. At the same time, the resurrected Frank Irving took a break from Henry’s secret domination over him to go steal the Hellfire Club’s accounting records so that he could embezzle some getaway money for his family.

In tonight’s new episode, “Awakening”: Henry reveals his new plan, which has nothing to do with apocalypses or Witnesses or demons or Horsemen! Jenny Mills has a gunfight! Frank Irving goes a little mad! Katrina’s magic works! And it works a lot for a change!

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 12/1/2014 (spoilers): The Savage Sword of Irving

Frank Irving, Man of Action!

“By the power of Methuselah, I HAVE THE POWER!”

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Abbie and Crane find the legendary Sword of Methuselah, which can slay any being around, including Big Bads; an escaped Captain Irving goes into hiding; Henry Parish (f/k/a Jeremy Crane) sounds the first of three horn-blows that signal the Endtimes opening ceremonies; his demon boss Moloch blossoms into his final form; the Headless Horseman and the still-unnamed Blazing Sword Armor Golem both stand by, ready for evil action; and Katrina Crane, Undercover Spy Witch, turns out once again to be a useless liability.

In tonight’s fall finale, “The Akeda”: the promo promised “SOMEONE MUST FALL”, and sure enough, Our Heroes come face to face with the Big Bad himself, and not everyone makes it out alive. And nearly everyone’s here: Crane! Abbie! Katrina! Jenny! Irving! Hawley! Moloch! Henry! Bram! The War armor! Alas, Captain Reyes is nowhere in sight, because only those who believe in magic are allowed inside this climactic, tragic episode.

For those who missed out, my attempt to hash out the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 9/29/2014 (spoilers): Poor Richard’s Avenger

Ichabod Crane!

Sleepy Hollow DVD set: $50. Ichabod Crane T-shirt: $25. Watching Crane tear new holes in the credit card industry on network TV: priceless.

Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Crane and Abbie escaped from Purgatory with assistance from her sister Jenny, stymied Jeremy/Henry’s plans to aid Moloch in leading a zombie invasion into our dimension, and taught us all how Benjamin Franklin could be an annoying old perv.

This week’s new episode, “The Kindred”, sees an old friend returning, a new monster birthing, a new supporting character ruining things, and our man Crane denouncing not one but two modern industries for their dehumanizing practices. If you think your grandparents complain too much about things these days, just imagine how cranky they’d be after a two-century nap.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers…

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“Sleepy Hollow” 1/20/2014 (spoilers): All Roads Lead to War

Jenny Mills, Lyndie Greenwood, Sleepy Hollow

As soon as the finale was over, rest assured Jenny Mills was on the internet within minutes, registering her incredulity throughout the world.

Tonight’s season finale of Sleepy Hollow — a mind-bending double-feature of episodes called “The Indispensable Man” and “Bad Blood” — meticulously scrutinized the previous eleven episodes, pulled out all the proper nouns, and then decided to see how many of them it could throw into a blender and pulp together before time ran out.

You want surprises? Man, did we get surprises…

“Sleepy Hollow” 1/13/2014 (spoilers): the Power of Salt and Vintage Ghost Traps

Demon Jenny Mills, Lyndie Greenwood, Sleepy Hollow, Fox

You think your sister has issues…

Tonight’s new Sleepy Hollow episode, “Vessel”: a French demon revealed, a new tape from the Sheriff Corbin archives, modern exorcism tropes, dry cleaning, the word “boondoggle”, and the one moment that Ichabod Crane ‘shippers never thought they’d live to see.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers.

This way for spinning heads and flying little girls…

“Sleepy Hollow” 12/9/2013 (spoilers): What Ever Happened to Baby Crane?

Henry Parrish, John Noble, Sleepy Hollow

Henry Parrish looks at Rupert Giles and laughs, “Now THIS is a reference book!”

Tonight’s new episode of Sleepy Hollow, “The Golem”, spoils a little of its own mystery in the title alone. Regardless, you’ll never see a few twists ahead in an overstuffed episode that covers the secret origin of Baby Boy Crane, an interview with Katrina’s jailers, the return of John Noble as the sin-eater, and your vocabulary words for the week, “gumplefik” and “gongoozler”.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers.

This way for the tale of one bad baby…

“Sleepy Hollow” 11/25/2013 (spoilers): the Stalker Made of Stalks

Tom Mison, Sleepy Hollow

Only one network show is daring enough to bring you a haunted-house episode for Thanksgiving. (No, not Hawaii Five-0.)

On tonight’s new Sleepy Hollow episode, “Sanctuary”, the Horseman had the evening off, but that doesn’t mean Thanksgiving is a federal holiday for all evil. Moloch’s handprints are all over this sordid tale of a haunted house, a fictional founding father, a family secret, the Pilgrims’ available culinary options, and the impersonal touch of the McDonald’s drive-thru.

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers.

Click here for another terrifying tale of Tarrytown!

“Sleepy Hollow” 11/18/2013 (spoilers): the Secret Origin of Death

Death, Horseman, Sleepy Hollow, Fox

So you’ve caught Death. Now what do you do?

On tonight’s new Sleepy Hollow episode, “Necromancer”: he’s more than a Horseman, yet subservient to the demon Moloch. You’d think him eternal, and yet he bears quasi-mortal form. It’s the story we’ve been waiting for: who is Death and why is he doing these terrible things?

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers.

For any parent whose child has ever asked, “Where does Death come from?”…

“Sleepy Hollow” 11/11/2013 (spoilers): To Catch a Death

Death, Horseman, Sleepy Hollow, Fox

Death doesn’t need eyes to aim!

On tonight’s new episode of Sleepy Hollow, “The Midnight Ride”, all your favorite elements return: the Horseman! John Cho! Action scenes! Shotguns! Crane bemoaning the state of American history classes! Protests over the concept of paying for bottled water! Arguments about that unseemly Sally Hemings story!

For those who missed out, my attempt to streamline the basic events follows after this courtesy spoiler alert for the sake of time-shifted viewers.

Click here for helpful tips on beating Death!