It’s not a proper road trip without an impromptu stop at an authentic small-town diner that refuses to serve small portions.

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Every year since 1999 my wife Anne and I have taken a trip to a different part of the United States and visited attractions, wonders, and events we didn’t have back home in Indianapolis. From 1999 to 2003 we did so as best friends; from 2004 to the present, as husband and wife. For 2017 our ultimate destination of choice was the city of Baltimore, Maryland. You might remember it from such TV shows as Homicide: Life on the Street and The Wire, not exactly the most enticing showcases to lure in prospective tourists. Though folks who know me best know I’m one of those guys who won’t shut up about The Wire, a Baltimore walkabout was Anne’s idea. Setting aside my fandom, as a major history buff she was first to remind skeptics who made worried faces at us for this plan that Maryland was one of the original thirteen American colonies and, urban decay notwithstanding, remains packed with notable history and architecture from ye olde Founding Father times. In the course of our research we were surprised to discover Baltimore also has an entire designated tourist-trap section covered with things to do. And if we just so happened to run across former filming locations without getting shot, happy bonus…

After spending a few hours driving and walking around the grounds of Antietam, we were overdue for lunch. First we turned to Google Maps for nearby recommendations, which led to a merry chase up and down the nearby town of Sharpsburg for a barbecue joint that apparently didn’t exist, or perhaps was in someone’s basement, or possibly was floating in the clouds above us. I can’t say I was shocked, as Google Maps has let us down before — multiple times on our 2015 trip to New Orleans, in fact. Eventually we gave up and headed northeast toward Baltimore, hopefully to or near one of its higher-rated suggestions in the next town of Keedysville.

This time the restaurant existed, but showed up several blocks earlier than my phone told us to expect. Thus fate brought us to Bonnie’s at the Red Byrd, exactly the kind of diner you want to find when you’re starving and you’re dozens of miles away from the nearest corporate franchise.

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