Top 10 Reasons Why Warner Brothers Canceled “Coyote vs. Acme”

Wile E. Coyote answering an old-fashioned telephone whose cord is the only thing keeping him tethered to a cliff.

Wile E. Coyote on Friday getting the news from his agent.

All weekend long, rational onlookers with any shred of goodness in their hearts have been outraged at the news that Warner Bros. Pictures pulled the plug on what would’ve been a new Looney Tunes feature, Coyote vs. Acme. After spending five years and $70 million on the project — which combined animation and live-action, and would’ve starred Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner, and John Cena — the company announced in an incoherent statement that they plan to concentrate on making films and this film didn’t qualify as a film. Or something. For want of a credible explanation, we’re 105% certain it’s another soulless tax write-off situation. Several folks involved in the production — including its director Dave Green, the editor, the composer, and the practical effects teams — have been sounding off about their collective heartbreak on social media and sharing tidbits from their work-spaces as evidence of What Might Have Been.

As usual, though, no one thinks of the billionaires. Sure, this act destroys WB’s integrity and signals to any and all actors and filmmakers that they have absolutely no reason to trust them as an employer ever again. Sure, audiences have no guarantee that they won’t give the same destructive treatment to other allegedly upcoming films like Dune: Part Two or the Joker sequel. Sure, this sends a heavy-handed message to James Gunn that they could do to Superman: Legacy what they did to Batgirl if he fails to satisfy their capricious whims. But wait! What if their boneheaded, pocket-lining, dismissive act of anti-art cruelty and complete waste of everyone’s creative efforts were remotely justifiable in any way to us, the non-lobotomized Viewers at Home? And what if they’re just too shy to be honest with us?

From the Home Office in Indianapolis, IN: Top 10 Reasons Why Warner Brothers Canceled “Coyote vs. Acme”:

10. All Looney Tunes IPs were sold off to a private equity firm; corporate pillaging ensued

9. The board thinks they can use AI to redo the entire movie even better for free

8. College-kid focus group thought they saw Speedy Gonzales in a frame

7. Caved in to complaints from Moms for Liberty about “disgusting” unclothed talking animals

6. Wile E’s off-putting 16-minute rant about genocide

5. The Cinema Sins guys nitpicked too many canon contradictions with Looney Tunes: Back in Action

4. Chuck Jones once kicked li’l Davey Zaslav’s dog and now his lifelong 4-dimensional Rube Goldberg-esque revenge plan is complete

3. WB is canceling all their films, getting out of Hollywood and putting their money into Bitcoin

2. Principal Skinner is right and the thousands of people who worked on it and their test audiences, who thought it was awesome, were all wrong

And the number one reason WBD is canceling CvA:

Judge Doom is back from the dead and back on his BS.


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2 responses

  1. Seriously, I have no idea how any movies get made anymore. Between wokeness, PCness or non superheroes, it’s almost impossible to get a movie made. I appreciate the sarcasm that helped nail your point. I speak sarcasm too as it’s a good way to filter out idiots that don’t understand it.

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    • I deliberately encoded this in sarcasm so that WBD execs will be unable to read it, won’t learn a thing, and will keep heaping shame upon themselves. Then we can repeat all this next year the week before Beetlejuice 2 opens and they decide that’s the perfect time to cancel all showings and throw it into the Great Bootleg Pile of History next to Coyote vs. Acme and The Star Wars Holiday Special. Can’t wait to complain again!

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