In our previous installment, you saw signs of the forthcoming spring as heralded through the exhibits at the 2014 Indiana Flower and Patio Show. While flowers were the star attraction, they weren’t the only uncommon objects on site. The two buildings that contained this year’s show were filled with various examples of gardens, patios, spas, tools, local repairmen, self-employed salespeople, As Seen on TV hucksters, chocolate stands, and concrete constructions we’ll never be able to afford.

Also, someone turned a piano into a fountain. See, music lovers, this is what happens when you walk away from your talent and abandon your instrument: someone jams a hose in it and turns it into their patio centerpiece.

Is a piano too small for your decorating needs? Can you measure your backyard in square miles rather than quarter-acres? Is your motto “Go Big AND Go Home”? Here’s a thought: boxcars. Crane a few of these onto your property, stack them like Legos, sweep out the hobo dust, splash some paint here and there, treat the insides like a series of sun rooms, set up a velvet rope, and wait for your friends and neighbors to line up and wait their turn to party inside. Trust us: someday, boxcar chic is gonna be huge.

Alternatively, you can make the most of your current leisure-vehicle collection and better accessorize to suit your personality. Granted, Hanna-Barbera seems like an outdated choice for a trailer sticker. Is the use of Rosie intentionally ironic, perhaps? Your guests will small-talk each other for hours trying to answer that riddle.

Speaking of optional vehicles: I’m a major fan of food trucks, but my wife and I don’t drink alcohol. I felt obligated to note its existence here for the record even though their products weren’t for us and driving-for-drinking sends a kind of weird mixed signal.

Ready for another round of wonders? Not sure which way to turn? If the line of visitors flowing from one building to the other isn’t guidance enough, bonus clues are provided.

GATOR! Just the thing to bring your dull pool party to life. Swimming laps is okay, water volleyball is better, and wandering around the poolside without even touching the water is an insult to the host. But if you can convince one partygoer there’s a predator on the premises, all signs of boredom will fly away. By the time the crowd notices it’s only three feet long and not moving, they’ll be too giddy from the adrenalin jump-start to punch you in the shoulder for your cheesy prank. Money well spent.

Y’know what else a crowd loves? Live music. Sure, you could spend ten bucks to hire a bar band, or you could ask your nephew show off his piano lessons. OH, WAIT. Your piano is already in the middle of the lawn with Niagara Falls gushing through its innards. Silly, forgetful you! Might we instead suggest setting up permanent, natural instruments out back? Let your younger relatives hone their musical chops on this tree-trunk drum kit. Assuming they remember to bring their own drumsticks, they’ll be too excited and amateurish to complain about how every piece sounds exactly the same when hit. With the right connections they might quickly be asked to sign a major-label record deal anyway.

“But Mr. Golden,” you interrupt because you’ve forgotten your place here, “No one pays attention to live musicians at a garden party, do they? Can’t I have something standing by that’s like a musician but won’t stuff fistfuls of our hors d’oeuvre into its pockets? Also, can it resemble an adorable six-foot teddy bear for reasons I’m not willing to discuss in public?” You’ll be happy to know America’s premier topiary scientists are way ahead of you. Topiary Chuck Beary here is sculpted and ready to stand on your deck, blend into the background, and pretend to strum along to whatever hoary melodies emerge from your karaoke machine. You’ll note this model was so convincing, visitors were tossing loose change into its open guitar case as if it really were a needy street performer.

If your guests are too highfalutin’ to be impressed by these delightful artifacts and threaten to bail out early on your fiesta, maintain your composure and dignity as you bid them farewell. For good measure, though, plant one of these signs near the exit so you can point them toward it and express your fond wish that they’d get off your property immediately and move as far away from you as possible.

See you next year!