I’d rather not spend my evening typing a thousand words that no one will read because they’re drunk, hung over, or avoiding the internet’s two-pronged takeover by Super Bowl XLVIII and #EsuranceSave30. (If you don’t know what that is, you probably don’t want to know. You have to be a greedy resident of the continental U.S., a registered Twitter user, and not opposed to irritating the heck out of all your followers for the chance to win bucks. I’d rather not perpetuate that, beyond what damage I’ve already done there for purely comedic purposes.)
To that end, please enjoy the following summer action blockbuster EXPLOSIONS-filled trailers that either aired during the Big Game, or had tiny teasers aired for them during the Big Game that directed fans to jump online for the full-length extravaganza. (Compatibility warning: if these aren’t cleared for viewing outside the U.S. or on smartphones, my sincerest apologies. Hopefully a quick search would turn them up at other locations.)
Leaving out Seth MacFarlane’s A Million Ways to Die in the West, the internet notified me of four viable specimens that may or may not make zillions this year at the box office. Enjoy!
1. 30-second teaser for Transformers: Age of Extinction, in which Mark Wahlberg has replaced Shia LeBeouf as the guy who runs away from killer robots. But the image of Autobots riding Dinobots will rule the hearts and minds of fans for the next two days.
2. A nearly four-minute look at Amazing Spider-Man 2, which seems to suffer the common super-hero movie problem of trying to overstuff itself with all the characters. It reminds me of me when I used to weigh over 300 pounds and spent every buffet trip fitting in everything I could grab until I nearly exploded, because I wanted my money’s worth even if it wasn’t good for me. Hey, Hollywood: remember Batman & Robin? Dark Knight Rises? X-Men 3? Spider-Man 3? I hope someday to see self-restraint become the wave of your future.
3. Need for Speed, based on the bestselling video game, starring the younger guy from Breaking Bad as a Fast and Furious driving rebel who’s probably a loose cannon who breaks all the rules and lives life in the fast lane and plans to Live Fast Die Young and whatnot. I include this only because (a) three trailers seemed too few, and (b) EXPLOSIONS.
4. Best in Show: Captain America: the Winter Soldier. Again I see the potential for ruination through overcrowding, but this one’s being helmed by a pair of brothers who directed several episodes of Community‘s first three seasons. They’ve therefore earned a pass from me for now. Also, I like the use of the Moon soundtrack for the first music segment.
* * * * *
And to answer your other potentially burning questions:
1. I don’t care about any other TV commercials that premiered during the Super Bowl. At all. They’re out there for those who wish to look. When I watch TV and my show goes to commercial, I pick up a book or phone-skim the internet for a few minutes till the non-movie ads go away.
2. Seahawks over Broncos, 1,498 to 2. Or something like that. It’s my understanding that the clouds got in Peyton Manning’s eyes, or everyone really missed Tim Tebow, or Denver’s marijuana legalization finally caught up with them, or maybe that episode of The Simpsons where Hank Scorpio gave the Broncos’ ownership to Homer finally became a reality. No idea what happened there.
3. Seriously, don’t ask about the #EsuranceSave30 thing. It ends in 36 hours, so with any luck Twitter should become usable again by Tuesday night. Until then, pretend it’s down for maintenance because of evil corporate hackers, which amounts to the same thing if you think about it.