Every Star Wars fan has their own ideas about what Star Wars: Episode 7 should accomplish. Director J.J. Abrams and screenwriter Michael Arndt should make it all about the Holy Trinity of Luke, Leia, and Han, pretending they’re all still under 35. Or they should make their kids the main characters. Or they should invent all-new, barely related Jedi. Or they should bring back all the dead characters because movie magic. Or it should be a mixture of demographic demands scientifically calculated to please everyone, if everyone loved formulaic sequels. Or it should be a two-hour Jar-Jar roast.
According to my personal artistic vision guaranteed to please only me, mandatory Episode VII story beats would include:
* A cranky, fed-up Han Solo shooting first in every scene, even if he’s the only one with a gun.
* Buddy-cop action-comedy subplot starring Admiral Ackbar and Ice Cream Maker Guy.
* Wing Fighters for every letter of every alphabet. We’ve seen X-Wings, Y-Wings, and B-Wings — I wanna see a Q-Wing Fighter squaring off against an Omega-Wing fighter.
* The ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn explaining where he’s been hiding all these decades.
* Any Star Wars Expanded Universe concepts that my wife wants to see on the big screen, because she’s a much bigger SW fan and deserves to have her way much more than I do, so I suppose I should allow some compromise in my vision here.
* Boba Fett returns, only to be murdered in the first five minutes.
* An army of ten thousand Jawas. And they’re mad.
* Space ninjas, just because they’ve never been done right.
* A sentient Rancor gainfully employed as a bounty hunter.
* A female character besides Leia with more than three lines.
* Tag and Bink, in any capacity, because I have my own EU preferences.
* On that same train of thought: a better screen translation of Quinlan Vos without an ill-fitting surfer-dude accent.
* An adult Jake Lloyd as the ghost of Anakin Skywalker, proudly showing off years of acting lessons he took after The Phantom Menace, working double-overtime on his chops so the fans will forget that dreadful “Are you an angel?” moment that haunted his entire childhood even worse than Jingle All the Way did.
* Stormtroopers who can hit the broad side of a barn.
* Yoda’s long-lost son…revealed as a Sith Lord! Definitely the wrong Muppet to mess with.
* Luke driving a 20-story-tall mech, like a Pacific Rim Jaeger except in a movie many Americans will go see.
* At least one scene without CG. None. Not a pixel, not even so much as a post-production color tweak. Just one.
* Jedi Master R2D2.
* Scene after the end credits: Han and Leia’s Force-sensitive kids receive a visit from Mace Windu’s ghost, who wants to recruit them into a new team he’s assembling.