If I Were in Charge of “Star Wars: Episode 7″…

Star Wars villains

In my version, only one of these characters survives the first five minutes. Possibly the bearded guy in the white hat. He’s already guaranteed his own action figure. (Photo from our personal Star Wars Celebration III archives, April 2005.)

Every Star Wars fan has their own ideas about what Star Wars: Episode 7 should accomplish. Director J.J. Abrams and screenwriter Michael Arndt should make it all about the Holy Trinity of Luke, Leia, and Han, pretending they’re all still under 35. Or they should make their kids the main characters. Or they should invent all-new, barely related Jedi. Or they should bring back all the dead characters because movie magic. Or it should be a mixture of demographic demands scientifically calculated to please everyone, if everyone loved formulaic sequels. Or it should be a two-hour Jar-Jar roast.

According to my personal artistic vision guaranteed to please only me, mandatory Episode VII story beats would include:

* A cranky, fed-up Han Solo shooting first in every scene, even if he’s the only one with a gun.

* Buddy-cop action-comedy subplot starring Admiral Ackbar and Ice Cream Maker Guy.

* Wing Fighters for every letter of every alphabet. We’ve seen X-Wings, Y-Wings, and B-Wings — I wanna see a Q-Wing Fighter squaring off against an Omega-Wing fighter.

* The ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn explaining where he’s been hiding all these decades.

* Any Star Wars Expanded Universe concepts that my wife wants to see on the big screen, because she’s a much bigger SW fan and deserves to have her way much more than I do, so I suppose I should allow some compromise in my vision here.

* Boba Fett returns, only to be murdered in the first five minutes.

* An army of ten thousand Jawas. And they’re mad.

* Space ninjas, just because they’ve never been done right.

* A sentient Rancor gainfully employed as a bounty hunter.

* A female character besides Leia with more than three lines.

* Tag and Bink, in any capacity, because I have my own EU preferences.

* On that same train of thought: a better screen translation of Quinlan Vos without an ill-fitting surfer-dude accent.

* An adult Jake Lloyd as the ghost of Anakin Skywalker, proudly showing off years of acting lessons he took after The Phantom Menace, working double-overtime on his chops so the fans will forget that dreadful “Are you an angel?” moment that haunted his entire childhood even worse than Jingle All the Way did.

* Stormtroopers who can hit the broad side of a barn.

* Yoda’s long-lost son…revealed as a Sith Lord! Definitely the wrong Muppet to mess with.

* Luke driving a 20-story-tall mech, like a Pacific Rim Jaeger except in a movie many Americans will go see.

* At least one scene without CG. None. Not a pixel, not even so much as a post-production color tweak. Just one.

* Jedi Master R2D2.

* Scene after the end credits: Han and Leia’s Force-sensitive kids receive a visit from Mace Windu’s ghost, who wants to recruit them into a new team he’s assembling.

4 responses

    • Thanks! My thinking is, if the new Star Wars films continue the trend of the prequels and keep heaping CG on top of CG, then there’s no point in making them live-action in the first place. Kind of a waste of all those talented actors, really, if all their long hours of work on set will just have computer art covering it all up.

      Like

  1. “Buddy-cop action-comedy subplot starring Admiral Ackbar and Ice Cream Maker Guy” — This. So much this. Now nothing less will satisfy me. 🙂

    I heart Boba, so I don’t know about killing him off so soon. Ooh, and what if the mother of Yoda’s long-lost son is the queen of the ninjas– that would solve the female problem that Star Wars has always had. (In that, all the female roles stink.)

    Of course, she’d be a female muppet… probably, maybe… so that might only half count…

    Like

    • A half-ninja half-Yoda would be the super-awesomest Star Wars character EVER. And we could make her backup ninja squad all-female, and give at least four of them interesting personalities. That might be tough to negotiate, but it’s totally on the table.

      As for Fett, I suppose I should acknowledge his considerable fan base, who can rest assured that whoever takes charge of Episode 8 would probably just bring him back to life and make him the main character anyway. 😀

      Like

What do you, The Viewers at Home, think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: