I already explained in a previous entry about my predilection for the greatest spectacle in movie awarding. The last four entries were my version of a very special Oscar-themed week (located here, here, here, and here). All that remains before the big ceremony, then, is the burning question: my personal picks for the 85th Academy Awards.

If I were a card-carrying member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the following list would represent my hypothetical ballot selections. These are not my predictions as to who will win, which is a slightly different but even more useless list. To be honest, my Oscar guessing rate is abysmal. Of all the fans worldwide who go to the trouble of watching all Best Picture nominees, I’m the last one you want to ask for hot gambling tips. I’m not plugged in to the Hollywood zeitgeist, the trendiest groupthink sects, or nearly as many movie news sites as I ought to be. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve jinxed a lot of nominees in previous years and owe a round of apologies to numerous filmmakers who lost their races specifically because I picked them. (Sorry about that, The Social Network. My fault.)

On with the pretend ballot:

Best Original Screenplay: Among the three nominees I saw, Zero Dark Thirty stood out as an accomplished streamlining of a decade’s worth of bureaucratic stonewalling and occasional detestable actions into a convicting narrative.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Tony Kushner’s adaptation of a modest portion of an acclaimed Abraham Lincoln biography facilitated Lincoln‘s success as one part lively you-are-there historical recreation to nine parts successful immersion in the speech patterns and social interactions of the Civil War era.

Best Visual Effects: Life of Pi stirred the soul with majestic scenery, chaotic weather, and the carnivorous stylings of one Richard Parker, the ornery tiger with a heart tamed by the seas and eyes as complicated as his sailing partner’s.

Best Sound Editing: Skyfall had copious explosions and gunshots, but it also knew when to simmer down and complement its characters’ interactions in subtle environments — in the delicate moments between old friends outside work, in the initial hero/villain hate-meet in a cavernous lair, or in the forlorn fields of Scotland.

Best Sound Mixing: Exotic surroundings require exotic soundscapes, which Life of Pi provided in ample supply.

Live-Action Short Film: At the risk of appearing Amerocentric, Shawn Christensen’s Curfew was the most effective and affecting to me.

Best Animated Short Film: Disney’s Paperman by a landslide. If I’m not mistaken, a win here would mark the first time since 1969 that Disney won this category without Pixar as its proxy.

Best Production Design: Critical drubbing notwithstanding, Les Miserables looked splendid in all its calculated decrepitude.

Best Original Song: I hate that every Oscar-nominee list references only the songwriters, never the performers. Your actual nominees are:

A. “Before My Time” from the global-warming documentary Chasing Ice, performed by Scarlett Johansson and violinist Joshua Bell.
B. “Everybody Needs a Best Friend” from Seth MacFarlane’s Ted, performed by Norah Jones.
C. “Pi’s Lullaby” from Life of Pi, performed entirely in Tamil by Indian performer Bombay Jayashri.
D. “Skyfall” from Skyfall, performed by Adele, who was born to sing a Bond theme.
E. “Suddenly” from Les Miserables, performed by Academy Award Nominee Hugh Jackman.

Advantage: Adele.

Best Original Score: I’m generally terrible at noticing background music when I’m watching a film the first time, but I distantly recall that Life of Pi sounded the prettiest and least typical to my boorish ears.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: I don’t recall “and Hairstyling” being appended to the category name in previous years. Regardless, Les Miserables wins here because I didn’t see Hitchcock and The Hobbit seemed a mere extension and reuse of the hard work already pioneered on the previous trilogy.

Best Foreign Language Film: Amour by another landslide, though the trailer for Chile’s No looks promising.

Best Film Editing: Argo deftly crafted Iranian revolutionaries, American fugitives, Hollywood shenanigans, and hair-trigger suspense into one satisfying political thriller/Hollywood satire.

Best Documentary Short Subject: It’s my understanding these are also released in a theatrical package, same as the other two shorts categories. It’s never shown here in Indianapolis. This is one of a few categories in which I lamentably vote by subject matter rather than the films themselves, due to inconvenience. (If there’s a subscription list for Academy screeners, that sure would be nifty.) Based on the capsule descriptions, for some reason Mondays at Racine — about a salon that give free makeovers to cancer victims — sounded the most unusual to me.

Best Documentary Feature: The Gatekeepers, which features interviews with every former head of the Israeli secret service, had the most compelling concept and the best trailer.

Best Costume Design: Let’s face it: Les Miserables really, really, really wanted some statuettes to take home. It wagged its tail, made puppy-dog eyes, clung to viewers’ legs, and refused to let go.

Best Cinematography: Even in 2-D, Life of Pi was sumptuous and eye-popping.

Best Animated Feature Film: By a country mile it’s Wreck-It Ralph, the Disney product with a heart of gold.

Best Supporting Actress: Am I allowed to pick anyone besides Miss Hathaway for the one scene from Les Miserables? No? Done here, then.

Best Supporting Actor: After Tommy Lee Jones stole Lincoln and refused to return it to its rightful owners, I’m itching to see an entire trilogy about the life of Thaddeus Stevens. Someone see to it.

Best Actress: Despite my misgivings about Amour in general, Emmanuelle Riva’s slow-motion disintegration frightened me, scarred my psyche for days, and tempted me to join the ranks of those movie villains who dedicate their lives to searching for the Fountain of Youth by any means necessary.

Best Actor: I’d love to see Hugh Jackman win an Oscar someday, but it’ll have to be in one of Daniel Day-Lewis’ skip years. Honest Abe was just that eerie and mesmerizing.

Best Director: Someone else besides Life of Pi needs an award or two. It’s only fair. Since Spielberg already has trophies, I’m leaning more toward David O. Russell for the jittery yet old-fashioned Silver Linings Playbook.

Best Picture: Sooner or later I always acquire the Best Picture winner for my collection. Of this year’s nine nominees, there’re two I wouldn’t mind owning without a fuss: Silver Linings Playbook, a new generation’s answer to When Harry Met Sally…; and Argo, because the completist in me thinks it would go great on the shelf next to my copies of Gone Baby Gone and The Town. One coin flip later, Argo wins.

Remember: the 85th Academy Awards. ABC. Sunday, February 24, 2013. 8:30 p.m. EDT. Synchronize your watches; stock up on your snacks; check your caffeine levels before going into that final hour; and if any of your picks match mine, I’m truly sorry in advance for your loss.