IT’S BUC-EE! IT’S BUC-EE! I KNOW HIM!

When I was a kid, gas fill-ups were just another ordinary errand, like buying groceries or refilling your parents’ prescription or suffering at the dentist: they had to be done, but nobody ever giggled with anticipation or clapped their hands at the sight of those establishments. Sure, groceries got less tedious after WWII when the FDA legalized flavor, but nobody rational ever thought gas stations were fun…least of all during the 1970s energy crisis, when America’s last hundred gallons had to be split 100 million ways. Getting gas was expensive and dispiriting and, worst of all, it was really boring.

Here in the 21st century, everything must be fun now. Any human activity or business that doesn’t entertain us is ignored or shamed, which might explain why so many people in our neighborhood don’t mow their lawns anymore. Gas stations aren’t exempt: we can’t just pull up, pump, pay, and proceed. We’d fall asleep with the nozzle in our hand and spray gas everywhere. We need at least one (1) thrilling moment while we’re there. At some chains, the pumps have little screens showing ads, or music piping through speakers, or apps encouraging customers to come inside for all the snacks and bargains. Years ago, somewhere in Texas, a brilliant entrepreneur figured out a new angle: what if you crossed a gas station with a Walmart and a Disney World gift shop? Because everything’s better with cartoon animals!

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