Last year on this site I wrote at length about my frustration with the ongoing dilution of my personal Black Friday tradition. What was once a fun, singular day of people-watching and movie-hoarding has lost its charm for me as retail stores continue to reopen earlier and earlier that weekend to accommodate America’s lust to begin Christmas shopping as soon as possible, even if their Thanksgiving turkey dinner is still digesting and most of their relatives remain unvisited.

Last year’s new fad was for stores to reopen at midnight Friday instead of waiting until Friday’s been up and running for a few hours first. This year, many stores think midnight is too long to wait for shoppers to come fork over all the monies, and are reopening Thanksgiving evening, around the same time that some families are accustomed to holding their Thanksgiving. On the bolder end of the spectrum, Old Navy plans to open on Thanksgiving at 9 a.m. I’m sure they’re not alone in rejecting the holiday’s existence altogether.

Clearly if one wants to win at two-day Black Friday, the old single-day Black Friday playbook needs to be shredded and competitive shoppers need to rethink their strategies. Because, like Black Friday, this new tradition of Black Thursday isn’t just about Christmas survival. It’s about Christmas victory.

So how can YOU, the Viewers at Home, beat the competition and guarantee your unqualified Black Thursday shopping success? Here’s a few helpful hints for saying goodbye to the calendar deadweight that is Thanksgiving and positioning yourself as the Emperor or Empress of Christmas shopping:

* Quit hot turkey cold-turkey. First and foremost for the dedicated self-worshipper, Thanksgiving has always been a time for free meals. You visited someone else’s house, you ate what they provided, and sometimes you even scored a few days’ worth of leftovers if you asked politely or surreptitiously stuffed your handbag and pockets. That meal is now a Black Thursday obstacle that you’ll need to let go. I’m sure it’ll hurt to walk away from the grocery savings, but sometimes important things require sacrifice. If it’s more about the turkey than the money, remember you unrepentant turkey addicts can buy your own sliced turkey at the grocery any day of the year. Turkeys aren’t a seasonal lifeform like pumpkins or Stove Top stuffing. When Black Weekend is over, turkey will still be out there waiting for you.

* Relatives are a liability. I suppose you could invent excuses to skip the Thanksgiving get-together, but that would imply shame on your part. If you’re choosing shopping over loved ones, the best policy is to be honest about it. Abrasive, even, if they try to dissuade you from your mission. Remind them that you spend plenty of time together all year long, so what’s it matter if you opt out of one lousy day with them? As for the relatives you rarely see…well, that’s why Facebook was invented.

A word of caution, if you’re considering inviting them to come shopping with you: please realize this would mean more competition against you for those sacred deals. If their shopping list looks like yours, you may have to betray them. Also, as in Dungeons & Dragons, your party can only travel as quickly as its slowest member. If there’s the slightest chance their plodding and meandering will drag you down and cost you an acquisition at a crucial moment when speed is paramount, would you hesitate to abandon them to the wolves? If you have to think about your response, you lose.

* Give up thankfulness. It’s safe to assume that everyone around you naturally knows that you’re grateful for every good and blessed aspect of your life. Are audio-visual demonstrations of your feelings really necessary? Shouldn’t they just get that you’re basically implying as much, 24/7? A moment taken to say “thank you” to ten or twenty people and concepts that can’t even hear you is a moment that could’ve been better spent checking your credit card balances and comparing their APRs.

* Pilgrims, shmilgrims. The best way to dismantle a long-standing institution is to destroy its foundation. A quick search of random conspiracy-theory sites should turn up some juicy, unsubstantiated gossip about the Pilgrims’ real motives, tales of the Indian burial ground trampled beneath Plymouth Rock, and alarming tidbits about Squanto’s dark side. Write to your local Congressman and ask if he can have all of that fictional hogwash legally inserted into your state’s school textbooks. He who controls textbooks controls reality, and playing the Black Thursday “long game” in this fashion should take just a few years before Thanksgiving is discontinued and possibly outlawed.

* Know your stores. You’ve already begun your research, right? So you already know which several dozen stores will be open at what times, right? Every rookie should already know this, except your timetable needs to be pushed forward an extra day. Be sure to note which businesses care so much about family and/or tradition that they’re not opening till Black Friday. I’d recommend paying a brief visit to those places dead last on your Black Friday itinerary — by which point you’ll have been awake and out of the house for a solid 36 hours or so — because such kindness and mercy on their part will likely drive them out of business within the next twelve months. The least you can do is express your condolences in advance.

* Arrive early and bring your camping gear. Long lines before the stores open are to be expected. If there isn’t a line when you arrive on Wednesday night, start one. Claim your turf and don’t let go. Bathroom breaks and surprise hurricanes are unacceptable excuses for surrender. When the local newshounds stop by to take photos and stare incredulously — and trust me, they will — it’s probably legal to punch them in some states, but you’ll win more hearts to the Black Thursday cause if you answer their questions politely and tell them why they’re wrong to treat you like a weirdo. I call this “shopsplaining”.

* Online shopping is for the weak. If you’re not leaving the house on Thursday or Friday at all, you’re doing it wrong. You can’t win a battle without jumping into the fray, and there’s zero honor or bragging rights to be had from limiting yourself to the confines of safety and convenience. It’s worse than finishing in last place, and you won’t even earn a measly “Participant” ribbon that way. Perhaps Christmas is not the holiday for you. Have you considered making Flag Day your thing instead?

* Quit your retail job. You can’t shop and work at the same time. Duh. Think about what’s important here.

* Have fun! This item is for extra credit only. Competitors are ineligible if all other primary goals are not attained first.