If this giraffe were real, these plants could kiss their leaves goodbye.

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover:

Twice per year my wife and I escort her grandmother to one of two special events at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. Each November we visit the Indiana Christmas Gift and Hobby Show. Each March the highlight of her month is the Indiana Flower & Patio Show, which features numerous displays of colorful flora, booths where gardeners and homeowners can peruse and pick out their new seeds, plants, implements, and accoutrements for tending and cultivating their yards in the forthcoming spring and summer.

This weekend was that time again! After our previous jaunts in 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016, once more we walked the springtime labyrinth at the Indiana State Fairgrounds with the intrepid Mamaw, showing her the sights and navigating the nature-loving crowds.

…and every year we come home with at least two entries’ worth of photos — one starring the flowers and one featuring the other outdoor decorations and often irrelevant vendors whose wares are off-topic but allowed in the doors anyway. Sometimes we don’t mind so much, especially if their product is food.

Fried bacon-flavored cheese may work better in an electric skillet than on your propane grill, but just wait till the technology advances and someday we’re treated to hamburger-sized cheese-fryin; portions.

If you prefer cold side dishes rather than hot, every State Fair event has at least two fancy dip peddlers on the premises.

One popular outdoor entertainment choice among the upper class: controlled fires! Sure, you could settle for staring at the grill itself, installing a basic fire pit, or picking up a metal trash-burning barrel from the nearest construction site. Or you could add touches of elegance and refinement to your open displays of pretty, hypnotic, socially impressive cremation.

A concrete bench with a flambé centerpiece is quite the conversation starter.

You could install a five-star dinner table out back and add some tricky mood lighting as a flourish.

You could install an outdoor fireplace with a waterfall in front of it instead of a screen and a flue.

Or you could stick with a simple arrangement but make cool fire shapes in your charcoal, like this Phoenix-esque salute to Marvel’s Logan, now in theaters.

I guess you can throw a big ugly head in the middle of the lawn and call it Easter Island chic. My suggestion: paint this red, set a bonfire on top, add a pair of furious eyebrows, and tell your guests it’s Anger from Inside Out.

The best accompaniments to your backyard dreams are, of course, companion animals, real or otherwise.

We once knew a family that kept a fish pond outside. That’s one of our numerous anemic anecdotes from the category “Brushes with High Society”.

Meet Smokey the Bear’s party-hearty twin brother, Grilly the Grizzly! Remember, kids, only you can prevent forest hunger.

Among the real heroes on the show floor:: greyhound adoption charities. Good people, very good dogs. 12/10 would pet every doggo at their booths.

…and that’s the 2017 that was. As I said last time:

Mamaw expressed some concern about how many more times we’ll get to share this outing. She’s 91 years old, isn’t beautifying the plots outside her house as much as she used to, and is finding the sensory overload more exhausting than ever. As long as she’s still interested in attending her annual Super Bowl, we’re happy to keep seeing her there.

And Lord willing, we’ll be back again next year, and not just to stare at all the flames.

Mamaw, age 91, our own Guest of Honor year-in year-out.