No, this entry isn’t about how Chinese scientists have made their very own versions of DC Comics’ Shaolin Robot. That part’s wild but incidental to the topic at hand.

Previously on Midlife Crisis Crossover: sometimes this site gets hits, which I chart at every year-end as self-reflection on what I’ve done over the previous twelve months — what worked, what didn’t, which entries got looked at most, which times did SEO seemingly help even though I never give it much thought, etc. By and large, as a stats junkie I get what I need from the WordPress dashboard, even though I’m confident the results are typically a more accurate measure of how many search engine crawlers acknowledge MCC’s existence, as opposed to gauging attention from real people. But same as in video games, a score is a score, and I’ll take whatever points I can get.

At least, that was my philosophy until a few days ago. Site traffic has been weirdly, consistently higher than usual ever since our Dragon Con 2025 cosplay galleries, though live human interaction remains as catatonic as ever. But a funny thing’s been happening since November 6th: that already-boosted activity inexplicably quintupled. None of those hits were referred here from social media or another site, either — they just materialized from nowhere and then disappeared into the night, like ghosts shouting “BOO!” just to amuse themselves.

I looked a little harder at the other dashboard sections that I usually take for granted and noticed a new anomaly: over 85% of my everyday traffic is suddenly, inexplicably coming from China.

Much as I’d love to pretend I’ve discovered a new fan base over there — or anywhere, really — again, nary a sign points to this influx as anything of mine having gone viral behind their government firewalls, or MCC appearing on an annual “Chinese Oprah’s Favorite Things” list. The same phenomenon has happened to other WordPress users, who’ve brought it to the attention of The Powers That Be. Nice to know it isn’t just me, though I’m curious whether it’s the same bots spreading faux-love from one blogger to the next or if we’ve each been assigned our own ethereal entourage. (If they’ve shown up because they think I super-love their masters, well, let’s just say they clearly haven’t examined every MCC entry closely.)

I know some desperate social media influencers and shameless wannabes have options for buying themselves a fictional fandom, but that’s never been my thing. I’m not asking for them, paying for them, grateful for them, or aware of a single upside to their infestation. Far as I can tell, the site’s working just fine with no other side effects yet — no performance drag, no overt hacking attempts, no stilted boilerplate AI comments clogging the spam filter. They’re just kinda there — wholly invisible to You, The Viewers at Home, but driving me batty because I prefer to know how MCC is really doing.

I assume this short-term annoyance will pass and hadn’t planned to mention it to anyone, until this silent invasion set a new all-time one-day traffic record, barely edging out the previous record set by The Wild Robot‘s end credits. Today’s stats don’t seem to be slowing down yet, either. MCC has earned its occasional moments of genuine attention from the outside world, but it’s tough to take any pride in telling someone about my very few accomplishments, “So yeah, the busiest day on my blog was that one time I got love-bombed by bots!”

The strangest aspect of all this is they’re largely targeting older entries from the MCC back catalog. In particular, our three articles that WordPress editors once featured on their old “Freshly Pressed” section (the one about Clint Eastwood and the empty chair, our 2012 year-in-review, and the one about drive-ins seeking digital projectors) have reentered my daily Top 10 as if time travelers from a dozen years ago have only just now shown up for them. I do relish the irony of them also feigning interest in the Tron: Ares review, but these oddly specific necro-bumps are gonna play havoc with the final figures for MCC’s eventual 2025 Year-in-Review, which means I’ll have to bring up all this again as a supplementary footnote.

Bot surges might blend in on your larger, professional, moneymaking sites, but here in my virtual hermit cabin, those imaginary flash mobs really stick out. Even a cruddy simulation of adoration threatens to stoke my ego and inflate my sense of self-worth, and THAT CAN’T HAPPEN. I do enjoy this rarely paying quasi-boutique hobby-job of mine, and I do aspire to a certain level of integrity even when no one’s looking.

That said: if these Sino-squatters plan to keep loitering, why not serenade them?

The following song parody began writing itself in my head Saturday and wouldn’t leave me alone, set to the tune of the Ramones’ “Chinese Rock”:

Somebody found me on the ‘Net
Said, “Hey hey, are you all wet?
You wanna feel big, you wanna seem hot
You wanna attract some Chinese bots?”

I’m grooving on Chinese bots
All my visitors don’t say squat
I’m thriving on Chinese bots
Everything old is back on top!

Site traffic’s up across the board
My newest entries are all but ignored
It’s all a sham, I’m not getting paid
But I’m just diggin’ this Chinese fame!

I’m drowning in Chinese bots
All my readers, AI slop
I’m smothered by Chinese bots
Everyone fake happier thoughts!

[keep repeating till 2½ minutes have passed]

(…okay, so maybe inspiring a bit of comedy is one upside to their freaky cyber-beachhead.)