The Official MCC “Not About” Page

Randall A. Golden, Midlife Crisis Crosssover

Shirt probably from Kohl’s; shorts probably from Wal-Mart. Wristwatch definitely from Wal-Mart. Most expensive item: ticket to visit Manhattan’s Top of the Rock. (2011 file photo.)

Consider this another hearty greeting to the continuing influx of new subscribers, real or otherwise, to this humble blog of mercurial intent. If you have no idea what we’re doing here on MCC, feel free to check out the official “About” page for a vague explanation festooned with a smattering of concrete details. Would-be MCC historians unaware of this site’s early days can check out the original, full-length version before I was overcome with a rare rewriting impulse and vaporized several hundred words.

For those who find both versions no help whatsoever, the following is a new companion piece to clarify the broad MCC mission statement by confirming some of my areas of weakness, insufficiency, disinterest, and/or mild anitpathy. It’s my hope that outlining the opposite of me should help manage expectations for future passersby who might be tempted to tap the “Follow” button with misguided hopes for the future of our reader/writer relationship.

For those tentative visitors, please be aware Midlife Crisis Crossover is 99.99% guaranteed to be not about:

* Fashion. No one wants wardrobe tips from a guy who flinches at a thirty-dollar price tag on a shirt. Occasionally I’ll feel a twinge of jealousy at those men who have the clothing budget to wear suave, name-brand outfits from classy outfitters whose newest offerings are featured in men’s-magazine pictorials before they reach upscale store racks. Even if I reconfigured my mindset and funneled all my comics/movie funding into a new monthly allowance for fabulous clothing, the best-looking items are never manufactured in my size anyway. The best you could possibly see from me here is a column called “New T-Shirt of the Month”. (For the record: my most recent acquisition was a Hawkguy T-shirt. See what I mean? And it’s even worse if I have to explain a joke.)

* Sports. I’ve mentioned this from time to time. I was raised with negligible male influence and consequently never developed an affinity for watching physical competitions on a regular basis. If I win free tickets to a local event as a door prize or work incentive, sure, I’m game, and I’ll enjoy the outing for as long as it lasts if I’m not attending alone. When it’s over, I disconnect and return to my own hobbies and interests. I understand my lack of this vital gender commonality excludes me from all the best male-bonding experiences. It may also explain why I’ve never been into barhopping or chest-thumping.

* Politics. I’ve dabbled in this arena a few times in past entries. Have fun finding them. Good luck trying to enjoy them. Here I’m crippled by my personal bewilderment with the American political process and the popular notion that binary either/or schisms are a magnificent way to run a country. If only I’d received a proper sports indoctrination, perhaps I would’ve developed more of a craving for simple us-vs.-them paradigms. Alas, never happened.

* Multi-Level Marketing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no. I’ve been ambushed by more than one AmWay presentation in my life. I’d sooner die in self-righteous obscurity and let my scrawls fade away into oblivion first. Relabeling the same concept with a different euphemism makes nary a difference to me. Can’t help you.

* Photography Lessons. Here’s the sum of my knowledge as of this writing:

1. Buy a camera or camera-like device manufactured within the last ten years.
2. Set it to “Auto”.
3. Point camera at subject.
3a. Stop shaking.
3b. Pretend you’re a comic book artist trying to find a non-boring angle before drawing a panel.
4. Click button to take picture and capture subject’s soul (if applicable).
5. Upload photos at home. Bang your forehead on the keyboard each time you find one that’s unusable.
5a. Apply ice pack to fresh head wound.
6. Vow to experiment with camera settings in the future, albeit at your own risk.

Voila! You’re now qualified to become an underpaid Chicago Sun-Times freelance journalist.

* Overseas travel stories. I’ve never been on an airplane for a variety of reasons. Cruises are equally expensive, unless you care for the kind that require passengers to endure a sales pitch delivered with intimidating, diamond-crushing pressure. To you successful bloggers who share exotic location pics on a regular basis, and on your own terms: you win.

* Poetry. I don’t mind reading it in limited doses, but when I’m moved to express a serious emotional response, it flows out as prose rather than free verse. If I’m feeling the need for creativity with line breaks, I’ve been prone in my life to the occasional song parody or haiku. Those don’t count.

In conclusion, by way of example:

Thanks for visiting
Midlife Crisis Crossover
Mileage may vary.


2 responses

    • Hey, if someone wants to send me knives or cleaners for a product review — on the condition that I can be honest if they’re terrible letdowns — then I’m up for that. I refuse to propagate the existence of borscht, but I have a chili recipe that’s too basic to impress any gourmand.

      And my wife and I might not be opposed to air travel someday, if ever they slash prices and let us take ALL our luggage on board instead of sending it separately via rickety biplane driven by kleptomaniacs.


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