Usually I skip past any news article whose title contains the words “to Pose Nude”, “Flashes Nipple”, “Sex Scandal”, or “Brokeback Pose”. I get testy whenever the media tries using sex or nudity to compete with my wife for my attention. Anyone signing up for that competition is gonna lose.

It’s downright aggravating when the incidents flock together, regardless of whether or not it’s the kind of nekkidness-based stunt that would actually do anything for me if I were single and in need of sinful stimulation. Oddly, this week’s early contestants are nowhere near the under-30 demographic that readers and viewers usually prefer in their eye candy. To wit:

* Madonna, age 53: Entertainment Weekly cheerfully posted footage of an apparent reprise of her “Justify My Love” post-glory days. I have no plans to watch or post the video (I feel conflicted enough merely linking to the article linking to the clip), but I’m prepared to take a tremendous leap of grossly unfounded assumption and just induce/deduce/whicheverduce that the clip features Madonna singing some old song no one wants to sing along to, rolling her eyes as the audience’s attention wanes, doffing the right article of clothing, yelling “Artistic relevance!”, and then tearing a photo of Janet Jackson in half, all while the audience brandish their earbuds and Google “lady gaga videos” on their smartphones.

* Catwoman, age 72: DC Comics announced their September 2012 initiative of revisiting their 1994 zero-issue stunt with their entire 52-series lineup (plus a few special guests). Standing out among the sample covers is Catwoman #0, striking one of the most improbable poses of her decades-long career, displaying a kind of extreme yoga that would have snapped all of Julie Newmar’s ligaments and rent several muscle groups asunder even in her prime. DC loves its male-majority audience, presumably doesn’t care if women read Catwoman or not, and will no doubt argue that her impression of Stretch Armstrong is somehow empowering. The fact that her face is in the picture at all is, I’m guessing, a concession to appease the licensed-merchandise division that has action figures to sell based on her entire body, not just the artist’s favorite parts.

* Roger Sterling, age 49. Last Sunday’s Mad Men season finale had its share of memorable moments. For me, the most indelible was the haunting tongue-lashing of Megan’s mom, intended to crush her daughter’s enviable ambition. For too many others, it was the sight of Roger Sterling dropping a second hit of LSD while gazing at his window reflection in his birthday suit. I don’t think this actually garnered any mainstream headlines; I’m just using this space to plead for some magical way to unsee this. I suppose I should be grateful that Sterling’s gold was mercifully facing away from the camera. One could debate it’s a telling sign of Roger’s deteriorating emotional state, but having him inexplicably don Howdy Doody boxers or maybe a Bo Peep costume in his stupor could’ve also accomplished that, albeit with a differently scarring effect.