John Boyega. Daisy Ridley. STAR WARS. Canon. Cope.

In the past 24 hours eight hundred million other internet users have posted their thoughts on the all-new Official Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer that premiered Monday night during ESPN’s Monday Night Football and was released online seconds later for those of us who don’t do sports. Hardcore fans have devoted every hour since then freezing every frame, enhancing every pixel, scrutinizing every living being or moving object, collating the data, and sharing results in hopes of extrapolating the plots of the next six Star Wars films, or at least guessing which toys they’ll buy next.

Now…it’s my turn.

If you haven’t seen it because you thought everyone was kidding about there being a new trailer, here’s the new trailer, which I proudly shared with friends within five minutes of its posting via the official Star Wars YouTube account:

And here’s what I saw, recorded by approximate time code:

0:09 — Dengar’s daughter attacked by dust mites
0:14 — That cavern where snakes frightened Indiana Jones
0:15 — After Earth’s oceans have all evaporated, the Titanic is much more accessible
0:21 — Wilson of Arabia and his samurai partner
0:24 — Audio from Daisy Ridley’s too-modest audition
0:31 — Walking in the background, I think that’s the Witch-King
0:34 — Lucasfilm still gets top billing over Bad Robot for now
0:37 — PanEm pep rally
0:39 — Moses from Attack the Block is gonna stay starstruck like that for the full two-hour running time, but I liked Attack the Block and I wouldn’t blame him one bit
0:40 — Blowing up miniature ship models like the good ol’ days
0:41 — In the new continuity, Stormtroopers can personalize their TIE Fighters with red highlights, bawdy nicknames, and flame decals
0:44 — Boyega waits patiently for his driver to come bring him to the set
0:50 — Krypton’s constantly exploding red sun is now a failing tourist attraction
0:52 — A proud Franz Liebkind gazes upon the horizon
0:53 — Darth Q*Bert
0:59 — Why geeks never carve pumpkins: because jocks always wanna smash ’em up
1:02 — Mark Hamill in disguise?
1:03 — The Winter Soldier’s brainwashing in progress
1:04 — California wildfire news clip
1:05 — THE TOYS ARE COMING! THE TOYS ARE COMING!
1:08 — AND THE VIDEO GAMES!
1:13 — The faces Ridley and Boyega make every time they read internet comments
1:16 — Academy Award Nominee Harrison Ford assures scared fans that everything will be okay and Star Wars will always make room for white guys
1:18 — In order to keep up with changing times, hyperspace now looks more like the wormholes from all the other space movies
1:22 — Christmas release instead of May is still REALLY WEIRD
1:24 — Xzibit heard Kylo Ren liked lightsabers so much, he put two tiny lightsabers in Ren’s saber so he can duel while he duels
1:25 — Wraith Squadron escapes from the Expanded Universe novels and refuses to fade away quietly
1:27 — Time-traveling Stormtroopers converge on Normandy, break history
1:28 — GO TOYS GO! VROOOM! RAAAAAR! WHOOOOSH!
1:30 — “You miss indie films?” “Nope, I’m good. You?” “For this kind of money? HA.”
1:34 — Let’s spend six hours debating why they chose these colors for spaceships! Or not!
1:37 — Homage to the desert battle from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
1:38 — Ridley and Boyega watching their Twitter follower count skyrocketing by the minute
1:39 — A half-finished Autobot storms off the set in Brazil
1:40 — R2D2 is such a big star that he has an assistant on set just to give him head massages
1:41 — Return to Mustafar
1:43 — Captain Phasma and her men march while singing the Mickey Mouse Club theme
1:44 — A LIGHTSABER HITTING SOMETHING BLURRY! WATCHING THREE HOURS OF FOOTBALL TO GET TO THIS WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!
1:45 — How badly you’re gonna cry when your favorite character gets killed off
1:46 — Chewbacca reminding you his crappy death in the EU is no longer canon
1:48 — BB-8, the Elmo of a new generation
1:49 — The same Oscar Isaac shot from all the other trailers, which will also turn up in the next fifteen years’ worth of Academy Awards “yay movies” montages
1:50 — Someone’s been building irrigation ditches on Hoth, which will totally pay off for local farmers when the climate change kicks in
1:52 — Stormtroopers march off to die, still with the same lousy aim as their forefathers
1:53 — RIDLEY HAS HAD ALL SHE CAN STANDS OF TROLLS, AND SHE CAN’T STANDS NO MORE
1:54 — Our Heroes approve of the new reality series Man vs. X-Wing
1:55 — THE POWER OF REN COMPELS YOU
1:56 — LAST CHANCE FOR EXPLOSIONS
1:57 — Carrie Fisher naps against crew members between takes
1:58 — Moses versus the One Guy from Girls: the Final Battle!
2:02 — “Just let it in!” says the Disney marketing department to your household
2:05 — The orchestra knows you’re hysterically giddy by this point and tries to calm you down so you can function normally in society again
2:13 — “December 18”. Once again: REALLY WEIRD
2:17 — “TICKETS NOW AVAILABLE” in case you live in a tiny town with only one movie screen and actually have to make reservations for every single film that comes along, even Paul Blart sequels.