Sooner or later, every old intellectual property must be revitalized for a new generation that has no interest in it. Revivals are perpetually on the way in every medium –as of this minute, your slate of candidates includes Archie, Logan’s Run, and even gum-wrapper superstar Bazooka Joe. Why waste your time and imagination inventing new characters when you can just stamp your preferences onto someone else’s venerated labor of love?
Also on the way: the return of the Teletubbies! England’s other, other, other Fab Four were psychedelic freeform heroes to a generation of toddlers born at a weird time. Now that formerly captive audience will have the opportunity to recapture their childhood, reunite with their old mentors, and complain about all those years of characterization, continuity, and PBS crossovers that are being tossed out the window and now the seasons they’ve collected on VHS are null and void. Welcome to 21st-century entertainment, youngsters.
From the Home Office in Indianapolis, Indiana: Top 10 Surprises in the Upcoming “Teletubbies” Reboot:
10. Noo-noo the vacuum dies in the pilot
9. The show is recorded in front of a live, totally wasted studio audience
8. Laa-Laa obviously being groomed to star in first spinoff “Dread the Teletubbies”
7. The new Sun Baby is a giant lens flare with the face of Dame Judi Dench
6. Fans encouraged to live-tweet their favorite lines over and over and over and over again
5. So. Many. CAR CRASHES.
4. Last ten minutes of every episode is just them watching OK Go videos on each other’s chest TVs
3. TV-MA rating to appease old, grown-up fans; kids have to settle for watching new “Teletubby Babies” shorts
2. Tinky Winky sells purse, buys a fedora
And the number one Surprise in the Upcoming “Teletubbies” Reboot:
1. New showrunner David Lynch enjoys the biggest budget of his entire career